Time To Daven

By Rabbi Yitzie Ross

Q: My children (boys and girls from ages 3 to 13) have no desire to daven, and it really bugs me. I always daven well, and make sure not to talk or disturb others during davening. My wife does not daven, since she is involved with the kids. What can I do to make my children daven without forcing them?

Yehoshua D.

Woodmere

A: This is an excellent question; you made great points, including that you daven well (which is so important for your kids to see), and that you don’t want to force your children (which rarely works). There are many ingredients to achieving good davening, and we’ll try to analyze which ones generate more success with children.

I’ve always believed that the best time to start teaching children about the importance of davening is when they’re toddlers. Making a berachah and bentching are great ways to inculcate within them the importance of thanking and communicating with Hashem. It’s not just making the berachos; it’s your attitude. As the Gemara in Berachos says, we don’t want it to be a burden. Therefore, instead of saying, “We need to bentch now” or “Did you bentch yet?” you could say, “Let’s bentch to thank Hashem.”

It’s important to keep in mind that even as children mature, it’s better not to ask them whether they have bentched. They might view this as a challenge or test. Instead, try handing them a bentcher and saying, “Here’s a bentcher.”

The next component of teaching davening is the mother’s influence. It’s so interesting how non-Jews think that Yiddishkeit is male-centric. It’s the exact opposite. A Jewish mother is not just a mother; she’s also a role model and a morah. The love she displays as she does mitzvos is ingrained within her children forever. The way she davens and communicates with Hashem will become the foundation of their davening as they grow older.

Although I’m sure that every mother wishes she had the time to daven, we all know that free time is hard to come by for any mother, and a Jewish mother has a lot more on her plate (pun intended). However, she can still instill within her children the importance of davening. It’s an attitude. Sitting down with the kids to say “Modeh Ani,” making sure they all washed negel vasser, and even saying berachos together with them are all so important.

Additionally, when a mother says berachos, she can say them out loud and teach her young children to say Amen. One mother told me that during Birkos HaShachar, she verbalizes what she’s about to thank Hashem for in English, and then makes the berachah. For example, “Now I’m going to thank Hashem for giving me eyes that are able to see” for “Pokeach Ivrim.” This helps the children internalize that davening is not simply saying words. Rather, it’s about truly talking to and thanking Hashem, recognizing that everything is a gift.

Another huge ingredient is the yeshiva. It’s the job of the yeshiva to show your children how amazing it is to have a connection to Hashem. They should motivate your kids to daven better at home, in shul, and obviously in yeshiva. They shouldn’t be making it a battle either; rather, they should make the kids excited about davening. On the parashah sheets that are sent home, it should ask the parents to notate how many times the child davened and/or went to shul.

The next factor is the father. Does he come to shul on time? Let’s look at it this way. If there were a huge football game going on between the Jets and the Giants, would you turn on the TV a few minutes late? Of course not! There’s the pre-game, the pre-pregame, and the interviews. L’havdil, when you come to shul, your kids are analyzing you. Do you come a few minutes early and take the davening seriously? Or, c’v, do you show up late and catch up with friends before opening a Siddur?

All of these components (the mother, father, yeshiva, and environment) must be consistent in order to successfully and positively influence our children. It goes without saying that regardless of our efforts, the most important ingredient is our davening for siyatta d’Shmaya in raising our children. We need to daven that our children appreciate the importance and value of tefillah.

Enjoy the tips below, and, as always, use your judgment.

  1. Not every child davens. It’s OK. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong as a parent. Keep doing the right things, and iy’H they’ll daven eventually.
  2. Don’t force your child to daven. This never works. It’s similar to telling your child, “Go apologize.” It’s not sincere, and they’ll resent the davening.
  3. Using the occasional reward to motivate young children can be helpful and exciting. Try telling your young children on a Shabbos morning, “Is your davening going to be a one-, two-, or three-jelly-bean davening?” At the end of their davening, let them decide how nicely they davened and pick the number of jelly beans they think they have earned.
  4. If you ask your kids to daven at home, don’t assign specific tefillos. Rather, base it on time. “Take 15 minutes to daven what you know, like a ben Torah.”
  5. Explain to your children that davening is an important and private meeting between them and Hashem. They can daven and say to Hashem whatever they feel they need to.
  6. It’s important to express to our children that communicating with Hashem is not limited to davening. There are so many ways to impart this message. Saying, “Thank You, Hashem, for this amazing parking spot” or expressing to your children, “Thank You, Hashem, for helping me today with . . .” are merely two ways to accomplish this.
  7. Don’t compare your children to each other. Some will daven better than others. It’s not a competition–Hashem listens to each one of them.
  8. It’s always a good idea to buy your children a personalized Siddur that’s age-appropriate. It gives the davening a chashivus.
  9. If your children are davening at home, don’t let them daven in their PJs. Being dressed appropriately is usually a prerequisite to davening properly.
  10. When inviting a friend for Shabbos, make sure that he’s a good role model. You don’t want your son to learn bad davening habits.
  11. Similarly, when letting your child go away for Shabbos, make sure that the home he’s going to takes davening seriously.

Have a great Shabbos, and daven well!

Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly e‑mails and read the comments, you can visit  www.yidparenting.com.

 

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