Advice From YidParenting

By Rabbi Yitzie Ross

Q: Using your understanding of both chinuch and technology, what do you think is the best way to monitor our 13-year-old daughter, who is using Instagram and Facebook? She gets annoyed when we check up on her and ask to see her account, yet we think as parents we need to stay on top of this. What are your thoughts?

Eli K.

Brooklyn

A:There are many questions that parents must consider regarding children’s use of social media.

Issue number one is when to allow your children access to social media–including the main four: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. If all of their friends are on social media, it’s no longer a luxury for them to participate, but rather a necessity.

If you’re too uncomfortable with that, your child might be in the wrong school. There are many schools that have strict rules regarding what their students can and cannot do in their spare time. If the school allows social media, you should ensure they educate the children, as a group, about the potential dangers that lurk there.

Even if your child is allowed access to social media, it must be monitored to some degree. Children should only be allowed to access their accounts from one device, and only at certain times. Additionally, it might be a good idea to allow your child only one account. He can pick from Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, or any other. Each one has its pros and cons. The problem you’ll find, however, is that a lot of them connect to one another.

Nevertheless, you should not give them access to more than one “app” at a time. It becomes much more difficult for you to monitor, and even more difficult for your children to handle.

The second issue is that of trust. Is it wrong to constantly check up on your children? Should we, as parents, be more trusting? I’m sure all of you would agree that trust is earned. Initially, you need to constantly check up on them and make sure that they are being smart and safe online. You must be sure that they understand the dangers of social media and the threats it poses.

It is imperative that you spend time with your children discussing various scenarios that they may encounter on social media. If your children don’t know someone, they should not allow them access to view their profile. It doesn’t matter if this person is friends with their friends–that’s how predators gain access! You need to explain to your children that you are excited to trust them. However, just like when a child learns to drive, a supervising adult must be in the car, so too, when they start using social media, they require some monitoring.

They must keep their accounts private, which blocks their information from being disseminated throughout the Internet and blocks people from viewing their profile. They also need to know how to take a screenshot of something that they feel is threatening, inappropriate, or abusive. Your goal is also for your children to trust you and to be comfortable sharing their concerns and questionable scenarios they might encounter. You’re there to help them if they need it, not babysit them.

Going back to the driving analogy, it’s not only your child’s actions you’re afraid of, it’s the other guy’s. You can explain to your children that you trust them; you just don’t necessarily trust the other people out there. As they prove that they are mature enough to handle all the issues that arise, you can increase your level of trust.

The last, and most debated, issue is that of privacy. Do your children have a right to privacy? I’m sure there are many children’s advocates that will proclaim that every child has the right to complete privacy. Obviously they’ve never raised a child. I don’t think that any child living in your house deserves complete privacy until they have matured. That could be when they’re 14 or when they’re 17–it depends on the child.

Here are the main questions that I am asked regarding social media:

(1) Do we have the right to know our children’s passwords?

(2) Is it wrong to install software that monitors our children’s usage, including screenshots?

(3) If we install monitoring software, do we need to tell them about it?

(4) If my child shows me inappropriate comments from a different child in the neighborhood, am I obligated to tell the parents?

Many of these answers are based on trust. If you trust your children, they probably earned the right to more privacy. However, there are many diverse ways to approach this, as each situation is different. (To be continued.)

Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly e‑mails and read the comments, you can visit www.yidparenting.com.

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