Halachic Musings

By Rabbi Yair Hoffman

Recently, a young lady in high school posed the following question: My mother doesn’t want me to crack my knuckles. I certainly won’t do it in front of her, but I am somewhat addicted to it. Is it
a violation of Kibbud Av va’Eim to crack them when she isn’t around?

Recently, a young man in high school posed the following question: My parents don’t want me to smoke. I certainly won’t do it in front of them, but I am addicted to it somewhat. Is it a violation of Kibbud Av va’Eim to smoke when they are not around?

The Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 240:25) cites a fascinating ruling of the Maharik (Shoresh 166). The question the Maharik deals with concerns shidduchim. What happens when a young man wishes to marry a young lady of whom his father disapproves? Must the son listen to his father by virtue of the concept of Kibbud Av va’Eim, honoring one’s parents?


The Maharik

The Maharik gives a threefold response. Firstly, he states that regarding the mitzvah of Kibbud Av, the obligation lies only with the father’s monetary funds, not with his own funds. Certainly, in this case, where there is great personal pain if the son would have to marry someone whom he does not desire to marry as much as the first, there would be no obligation.

Secondly, the Maharik points out that there is a prohibition in the Talmud (Kiddushin 41a) of becoming engaged to a woman one has not actually seen yet. The reason is that the sages ordained that a person only marry someone he desires and who finds grace in his eyes. Through listening to his father in this case, he may be in violation of this halachah.

Finally, the Maharik explains that the parameters of kavod and moreh apply to matters that pertain directly to the father or mother. Thus, in regard to his father’s sustenance and personal needs, kavod does apply. In regard to his personal honor, moreh, the issue of not sitting in his father’s seat does apply.


The Percentages

It would seem, at first glance, from this Maharik that both high-schoolers’ questions are answered. Neither would be forced to abide by their parents’ views when doing the “forbidden” act not in their presence. But there may be a separate prohibition in regard to the smoking issue, as can be seen from the Talmudic passages that forbid engaging in dangerous activities (see Shabbos 129b).

For those who think that there is an exemption for smoking, the responsum of Rav Chaim Ozer Grodzinsky (Achiezer Vol. I #23) discusses the concept of “Shomer pesa’im Hashem—Hashem watches over fools.” He writes that this concept only permits dangerous things when the danger is not uncommon. Since over half a million people die in this country every year from smoking and its related illnesses, that means there is roughly a 1 in 600 chance of dying each year from smoking. Over a 30-year period, the mathematical formula is 1-(599/600)*30th power. This means that there is a five-percent chance of smoking actually killing a person. The halachic position of the Achiezer would certainly apply. The Tzitz Eliezer Vol. 15 #39 also forbids smoking, as does Rav Moshe Shternbuch in Teshuvos V’Hanhagos Vol. III #354. This column, however, deals with the aspects of Kibbud Av va’Eim, not other prohibitions.

For many years, it was rumored that cracking knuckles causes arthritis. Thus far, however, there is no evidence that cracking knuckles causes any damage to the knuckle-cracker even over a protracted period of time. A study published in 2011 compared the hands of some 215 people between the ages of 50 to 90 and there was no indication whatsoever of any damage (Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine 24 (2): 169–174).


The Sefer HaMikneh

Rav Pinchas HaLevi Horowitz, author of the Sefer HaMikneh, states (Kiddushin 31b) that even in matters that do not apply to the father directly, there is still a concept of moreh—that one is not permitted to contradict his father. The Sefer HaMikneh understands the Maharik as only applying when it is such a serious issue like marriage, but regarding other matters, it would be prohibited. He cites further proof to this idea from the fact that the Maharik gave three separate arguments to make his point.

According to the Sefer HaMikneh, it would be forbidden for both the smoker and the knuckle-cracker to proceed, even if their parents are unaware of it.


Rav Elyashiv’s View

The view of Rav Elyashiv, zt’l, on the matter was that if it bothered the father, then the son was not permitted to smoke in front of him or in front of someone who might inform the father. In other words, if the father would find out about it, it would be forbidden. This opinion is cited in the sefer Hiddur Panim by Rav Refoel Dinner (page 104) in the section of Kitzur Hilchos Kibbud Aviv v’Imo. Even then, Rav Elyashiv only permits it for the son if it will cause him great stress if he were to cease smoking. Rav Elyashiv further qualified that by saying that if the father has some further reason why he does not want his son smoking it is still forbidden. In other words, if the father’s reasoning is that the son has an additional risk factor, then the son may not smoke even when not in front of him.

Taking this view back to the knuckle-cracker, it would seem that Rav Elyashiv would hold that, ideally, she should not crack her knuckles even when not in front of her mother. However, if this would cause her difficulty, then she may.

As an interesting aside, many poskim have specifically said that one should not tell his son not to smoke because often these young men have no willpower and it is placing an additional stumbling block upon them of violating Kibbud Av va’Eim. Just as the Talmud forbids punishing an older child physically lest he hit his father back, it is likewise forbidden to cause the son to violate Kibbud Av va’Eim by stating directly that he is violating his parents’ will by smoking.

May Hashem enable all children to make correct decisions.

The author can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com.

 

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