By Baila Sebrow

Question

I am a 33-year old Sephardic girl. My family has earned great respect in my community. There is no reason why someone like me should still be single. But in my tradition we get married as young as 16 years of age, and when a girl turns 21 and is still not married, she is like garbage to everyone. That is what happened to me.

The reason I did not get married at a young age is because I wanted to marry an Ashkenazi man. Even though my lineage is Sephardic, I don’t like those kind of men. My parents sent me to a school where most of my friends are Ashkenazic, and that is the type of people I like and get along with best. When I was young, there were boys who liked me, but their parents always stopped us from going out or continuing to go out. It was mean of them.

This has been going on for a long time and everything always ended for the same reason. Ashkenazi parents hate Sephardi girls. Then G-d helped me, I think, or maybe He is testing me. For a long time I gave up, but I recently met a nice guy. This time his parents like me very much. But my parents don’t like him, because he was divorced a few times. And they say that people are talking bad about him, even his rabbi. People deserve a second chance, don’t they? I think that I could change him, if there really is something bad about him, because I only see the good in him. To me, he acts like the perfect man.

Response

The answer to your question of whether someone deserves a second chance is yes, of course, everyone deserves a second chance. But from what I gather, in this case, you are really asking if someone deserves a few chances. Even from the little you are disclosing, it sounds like you are actually telling me a lot about this guy. He was married a few times, you say. What does “a few” mean to you? What exactly happened to cause those marriages to fall apart? Is he telling you that he just had bad luck? Or does he claim that there was something wrong with each of his wives, and he was an innocent victim who fell in each time? Does he take any responsibility for what happened? What are people saying about him? Moreover, why does his rabbi agree that he is bad news? I am asking you all these questions because those are the answers you need and deserve to know.

You have had many difficult and challenging dating experiences in what seems to be a long time. The biggest problem you were originally dealing with is your dislike of the men from your own culture and upbringing. Although such things do happen from time to time, there is always a legitimate reason for it. Even though you are not sharing the motive, I sense there is a painful or unpleasant explanation as to why you have been feeling the way you do. One of the facts of life is that people typically gravitate towards the familiar. What one is accustomed to is what generally feels most comfortable. When someone veers sharply away from that direction, they do so because that is what they need to do. And I think that is an area of your life that needs to be addressed in order for you to find fulfillment. Please do that first before you get on with one of the most important steps in life—marriage.

For your consideration, I will focus a bit on inter-culture relationships as it relates to shidduchim. Most shadchanim have had requests from Sephardic guys and girls to be introduced to those who are of Ashkenazic descent. While I alluded to a serious reason behind it, there are times when it is merely curiosity about how the other side lives, and the viewpoint that the grass is greener on the other side.

However, those who seek happiness outside their own culture find that in most cases, feelings are not reciprocated. Meaning, just because you are Sephardi and you seek an Ashkenazi guy, that does not mean that he will be on board with it. Worse still, if you manage to enter into a relationship with someone of a different culture who does like you, having his parents deliberately mess things up is a common practice. Does that make such people mean? Perhaps it may appear that way. But their justification is generally that they feel the need to protect their child. The unfamiliar is scary and when a son or daughter marries outside their comfort zone it can feel intimidating. I will say this, though—there are many successful marriages that may have started off with parental objection because each spouse came from a different culture and yet there is a happy ending to it all.

In the early portion of my response I listed a few questions that you should ask. If you do end up feeling satisfied with the answers you get as opposed to what your parents heard, then I can encourage you to proceed with the relationship. After everything you went through, you finally met someone with whom you feel compatible, but this time the issue is not the Ashkenazi parents but rather your own family who is vehemently refusing to accept this guy.

Here is my concern. You take into consideration that there may be something bad about him, and, if so, you feel you can change him. Do you really believe that? Can a woman change a man for the better or to suit her ways? Should she? For starters, no one should ever consider marrying a person she feels she cannot live with as he currently presents. What you see is what you should expect to get. Here and there, everyone needs to make some adjustments to accommodate one another, but those should only be of minor matters.

You are not the first woman to believe that she can change a man. The old saying that “love conquers all” is really just a saying in most cases. Sure, initially, one who seeks to ingratiate himself to his partner will promise to change all that bothers her, and then some. But it depends on what the changes are. Some changes are impossible. That is something you are going to have to accept and be willing to live with. In addition, and no disrespect to this man, how seriously does he take marriage, and especially divorce? Would he jump ship if things did not work out? I am not accusing him that he would, but this is something you will need to find out. And as uncomfortable as it may be, you will have to ask him that question.

I understand that you believe you may never meet anyone like him again, and you might be correct. After all, he is perfect, as you say. And so, here again I will caution you. There is no such thing as perfection in a human being. Everyone has a flaw or two. It is part of being human. When people present as perfect, they are oftentimes just doing the bidding of the person they want to win over. And I think you might know what I am talking about. Does he always agree with everything you say? Does he seem to want everything you want? Does he ever contradict you in any way? Think about the good relationships you have had with your friends. I will agree that in matters of shidduch relationships, there is some variation. But you should take a lesson from the positive relationships you have had in your life and study them in comparison to the relationship you have with him.

After all your investigations and soul-searching is done, if he does not already know, you need to let him in on all that is going on regarding your parents’ opposition. Please do not allow him to merely brush that off or disparage your parents, and urge you to go ahead with the relationship regardless. If anything, he should demonstrate compassion and be grateful that you are giving him the opportunity to date you regardless of all that is transpiring.

At the end of the day, if you still feel strongly about this relationship and your compatibility with him, I advise you not to break it off just yet. But it behooves me to say that you need an objective party to intervene. This needs to be someone who has no vested interest in whether this relationship leads to marriage or ends. I would hope that after everything he has been though with his prior marriages that he is, or has been, in consultation with a therapist. Whether or not that is the case, you must make an appointment with a licensed professional you both agree on to help you gain more clarity.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

 

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