By Baila Sebrow

Question

I am in my early thirties and I have three young kids. I’m writing to you as an unfortunate member of a forgotten and discarded class of people: men going through divorce. For some reason, our community has never established effective support systems for us, and, to the contrary, has mostly vilified us. The reason, I believe, is that a narrative persists that when there is a divorce it’s because the man was abusive, toxic, or some other hip buzzword.

I have never seen an article in a mainstream publication featuring a single father dealing with an abusive ex-wife, though I have seen the reverse plenty. A recent online campaign just this past month by an organization that helps single mothers is an example of this phenomenon. It included a video in which the child’s voiceover sadly explains that “Tatty doesn’t live here anymore,” while the father in the video fades to dust while lighting the menorah with his children, and the mother is represented as a victim of divorce and in need of community assistance.

Before I myself was in this sad parashah, I had no idea the level of ruin that divorced fathers go through: losing their home, forced to pay most of their salary to the ex-wife as child support and alimony, as well as the sheer emotional devastation of being so restricted in the amount of time they can see their own children (if at all). Every case is different, of course, but chances are that every reader knows at least one good father whose wife used the court to torment him.

Those who haven’t been exposed to the divorce court system—like me before my own divorce—assume that the courts are effective, fair, and accessible. Nothing could be further from the truth. These halls are corrupt, ineffective, and outrageously unaffordable. The judges and lawyers have no accountability and basically openly collude to do whatever they can to drag out cases and maximize profits. State courts are funded through “child support” payments and other financial transactions related to divorce, and all parties (the couple, the lawyers, the judges, and the system) are incentivized perversely to fight endlessly. Nobody cares about the kids. In New York, the court designates the higher-earning spouse, usually the hardworking husband, as the “monied” spouse, and then orders him to pay not only “child support,” alimony, and the household expenses, but even the wife’s overpriced attorney.

In court, any married person can file for divorce at any time for no particular reason, and many spouses—more than 85% of the time it’s the wife—use this to ensure they’ll extract as much as possible from the other spouse and the marital estate. (By the way, spouses also often use the divorce system to forcibly move the family from one locale to another.) It doesn’t matter if you are an amazing husband, fulfilling all your duties and being a great father. If your wife wants something different in her life, she can file, and you are forced to support her based on the income you were making when she filed.

My soon-to-be-ex filed for divorce while I was the breadwinner but going through a difficult time personally. I was an amazing husband—not perfect, not without flaws, not without immaturities, but earnestly hardworking, caring, and loving. I always supported my soon-to-be-ex-wife (STBX) in her interests and her work. I never controlled her, never put her down (with minor unhealthy exceptions during arguments), and never restricted her in any way. I actively helped her earn her degree and grow her career, and I encouraged her to pursue self-care (i.e. taking Zumba classes, girls’ night out, etc.). We lived near her parents and ate Shabbos meals with them almost every week. I traveled with her to any family simcha she wanted to attend, even when it was difficult or impractical. None of this ultimately mattered to her, because it was never enough for her and because she always felt she “deserved” more.

Once my STBX’s best friend got divorced, the attacks on me intensified. Over the pandemic, I had a lot of disagreements with her parents about how to handle the situation. In any argument, my STBX took her parents’ side. Her mother started belittling me with comparisons to her other sons-in-law and neighbors who were seemingly more financially well-off. My mother-in-law would spend significant time every day in our apartment. There was no privacy. Eventually, when things reached a low, my STBX consulted a new rabbi who advised her to divorce me, despite having never met me in his life. She followed his advice and proceeded to make false claims of abuse, list irrelevant personal gossip about my family and me, claim exorbitant amounts in unjustified support, and even filed a motion to have me imprisoned after I couldn’t afford to pay her lawyer fees (a hearing is pending).

My story is far from unique. I know dozens of men going through variations of this, and there are probably hundreds out there (my situation is actually one of the less horrible ones).

Yet there is so little community awareness of what is going on. Instead, we put an emphasis on “get refusal” that is out of proportion with the realities of the problem. Yes, there are men who maliciously withhold a get, but this scenario is actually extremely rare (not to mention outnumbered by women refusing to accept the get). There are not even two cases of halachic agunot per year in North America. People are led to believe that there are thousands of agunahs and new ones being created every day, when in reality, nowadays, it’s probably more likely that the husband is the one being abused.

My children are suffering immensely for no reason. They miss their father terribly and cry every time one of our short court-ordered “visits” comes to an end. They are the true victims in this ordeal and there is nobody who cares about them as they go through this except for me and my immediate family. Not a single rabbi thinks this is worth their time (I have no money to offer, as I am bankrupt), and the children’s attorney has met with them for just two hours in the entire year that this divorce has been in court. When I think of my STBX’s behavior in using the children as hostages and weapons, the only words I can think of are “cruel” and “evil.”

My question to you is how we can make changes in our community so that the behaviors I describe are no longer tolerated. How do we raise awareness so that rabbis are held to account for marriages they break up or fail to make even the most basic efforts to save? We do a disservice by framing this as a “men vs. women” issue. If you’re a woman and you have sons, do you want this to be the system your son marries into? Do you want to potentially lose all access to your grandchildren? Nobody wants to go first and jump in on this issue because we are so conditioned to believe men are the bad ones in a divorce, and that advocating for a man is akin to advocating for the dreaded “get refuser.” What should men in this situation do, and who from the community institutions should we hold responsible for making changes?

Response

My heart goes out to you, and I cried as I read your letter. Your anguish comes through clearly in your eloquent personal account. You are assuming that you need to convince others about corruption, but I assure you that too many stories of corruption and fraud are made known to me. My head is not in the sand, and I am not afraid to be a whistleblower of injustice. I am sure there are those who might be wondering why I am publishing your letter in the Dating Forum, since it does not appear to be a shidduch or relationship question. Yet, in essence it is, because one of my mantras is that when people consider a potential shidduch, they must do their due diligence in researching suggested prospects about their history, as it repeats itself. Therefore, I applaud you for bringing your unfortunate matzav to the attention of this column.

I concur that there is little support for men who are the aggrieved party in a divorce and abusive situation, and that needs to change. No human being should ever be abused by anyone. Your agonizing circumstances are not unique, as you mentioned; however, that cannot be utilized as evidence that the agunah situation is not as bad as it seems or to discount the extent of it. As the saying goes, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” No man, woman, or child should ever be mistreated—not by the legal system, rabbanim, or any lay person.

You are correct that in many cases there is a persistent narrative that a divorce happens as a result of abuse or other toxicity perpetrated by the man in the relationship. Educated people, though, know that there are cases where it is the wife who abused her husband throughout the marriage. Moreover, there are situations where the wife initiates divorce not because the husband was abusive, but because she was convinced that she could find or deserves someone much better. I am personally acquainted with cases where women admit that they left their husband not because he mistreated her or did not provide for her.

Are there vicious people who malevolently use the judicial system to cruelly hurt and torment another to kasher themselves for their own misdeeds? One thousand percent, yes! The sad fact is that it is the one with the most accessibility to financial resources who has the upper hand to inflict the most pain. And yes, it happens that cases are deliberately dragged out, especially when one or both parties have money to fund the attorney. Not only that, but there is little accountability for unfair judgements. Who are the korbanos of a failed divorce court case? The children, Hashem yishmor. Whether it is a divorce case or other legal matter, we live in a litigious society where anyone can file a case in court for any reason; divorce court is no different.

What can we do as a society? Who should we hold responsible for making changes? It begins with holding rabbanim accountable for making shalom between a husband and wife. The exception is where there is abuse; no person should ever be forced or encouraged to remain in a marriage where he or she is being harmed. I have even written about this in a recent article. It is particularly disturbing to read that the rav your wife consulted advised her to divorce you without having met you. This is not something one would expect of a rav. You need to reach out to a different rav and take him to task for that advice. Your wife and in-laws may have depicted a very poor portrait of you as a husband, and that is why the rav might have immediately suggested divorce. Regardless, this must be addressed. You have the right to know why you were never offered to have your voice heard about your side of the story. That is unethical and unfair.

From your letter it sounds like things have gone way too far to make peace between you and your wife. It my understanding that since it is not an option anymore, the solution you seek is awareness and perhaps assistance for where you are holding at this point. Awareness begins with the refusal to remain silent. Victims of any injustice need to speak out. Just as a person instinctively screams “ouch” for a physical injury, so should it be done for emotional injury. Tell your story, and never stop telling it.

You are going through so much right now, and it seems like you don’t have enough support. I understand that you are financially strapped, but support does not need to involve money. Form a group with other men in similar predicaments. But I caution you to dig into their story for accuracy to make sure that you are not giving a forum to people who are using your organized team to “kasher” themselves. (That is advice for any group that is formed.) You want to give legitimacy to your cause. Invite rabbanim to offer chizuk and therapists willing to give a bit of their time pro-bono.

Regarding the legal system, there are attorneys who have also endured their own travesty of justice, and they could perhaps assist you and others. Utilize the power of social media to gain exposure and you will find doors opening for you. I will conclude by making it clear that my response in no way is meant to justify men who are get refusers or women who refuse to accept a get. No one has the right to bring false charges against anyone. I will repeat myself again that that no human being has the right to escape retribution for hurting an innocent person, regardless of gender. When people of authority are brought into a case, it behooves them to assess the situation from every possible angle in order to be fair to all parties concerned. B’ezras Hashem, justice will prevail.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.

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