By Baila Sebrow

 

Question

I’m dating this really frum gal. When we first started dating, I learned that she likes to have wine with dinner, and sometimes we would also video chat while each of us had a glass of wine. Then I started to notice that she keeps drinking, and she goes all wacko and wild when she drinks. It’s embarrassing.

I really like her, so I asked her if she has a drinking problem. She said no and got mad at me and then refused to talk to me until I apologized. I did apologize, but I’m still worried that she can’t hold her alcohol.

Maybe I was naïve, but I always thought that men are the only ones who would have a drinking problem. Also, I thought that people who have a drinking problem can’t hold down a job. She has a great job and keeps getting promoted.

I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t live like this. As it is, we have problems because her children (she is divorced) hate me. Is there a way to get around this? I’m so worried.

Response

It sounds like your relationship has two major issues: (1) the challenges that oftentimes occur when blending families; (2) your lady friend’s drinking problem. Both matters are very serious, and each has the potential to destroy the strongest of relationships.

You don’t indicate her children’s ages, so I will discuss both types of circumstances regarding how younger and older children have the ability to affect the shalom bayis of a blended family to the extent that it could, G-d forbid, lead to divorce.

When children are young, irrespective of whether the biological parent they are not living with has a relationship with them, they commonly view the stepparent as an intruder in their territory. If you were to place yourself in their position you would understand. In most cases, regardless of how volatile the marriage between their mother and father may have been, they frequently harbor secret hopes that the parents will reconcile one day. Children oftentimes do whatever they can to reunite their estranged parents, specifically when the significant other is a man in their mother’s life. Additionally, her children had her all to themselves when their family became fractured. Their mother was their only source of emotional safety, security, and attention, even if they have a good relationship with their father. Your presence further disrupts whatever shred of security they were feeling. For young children that is a lot to deal with.

Contrary to the popular belief that it is easier to date somebody whose children are older, the opposite is usually true when there is strife. While not easy, it is possible to win the acceptance of younger stepchildren, more so than with older ones.

If this woman’s children hate you, they will continually interfere in your relationship. As with younger children, adult children also feel that attention is being shifted. Adult children believe that they have been emotionally abandoned. With older children, there can also be resentment about money that they feel is rightfully theirs. The knowledge that money is now being shared with the new boyfriend/husband can feel unbearable, even if the mother’s finances are severely limited. That only stands to increase feelings of hatred towards the new man in their mother’s life.

You have to understand that whatever the ages of the children may be, and whether they are physically dependent on their mother or able to live on their own, the family has a history of internal troubled relationships long before you entered the scene. It’s just that since you are presently in their face, so to speak, they now feel the liberty to transfer all feelings of resentment towards you, as though you were the one to break up the family in the first place. There are times when, even if the parents have been divorced for a long time, as soon as someone else enters the life of the parent, the children tell themselves that if not for this new person, their parents would have possibly gotten back together.

Even if they managed to gain some footing, children learn to become defensive, and rightfully so. No matter how drastic a situation may be, people do whatever is necessary to protect themselves from further pain. Unless they received intensive therapy, while they were struggling to emotionally survive, they did not have the chance to grow from the experience. As a result, adult children may behave no differently than young children in a similar situation. Getting along with an emotionally immature adult stepchild takes tremendous mental energy while trying to sustain a romantic and marital relationship with his or her parent.

In entering such a relationship, you must make it clear to the children that you are not taking the other parent’s place (whom they might be privately protecting) and that you are not doing anything to betray that parent. You will need to come up with ways to encourage them and give honor to the biological parents, and you will also have to find ways of setting that example.

There are many successful blended families. What you may not realize is that they put in extra hard work to make it a livable situation. That does not mean that there aren’t problems that may not be visible to the public. This can work out if you are amenable to overlooking snide remarks or can ignore troublemaking tactics. Most importantly, never place the mother in the position of having to choose between you or her kids, because you will most likely end up losing. If it is possible to accomplish, family therapy would do everyone involved a great favor.

However, the woman you are dating is dealing with a much more serious matter. Although you don’t say it in those words, from the way you are describing her behavior, it points to the direction of her being an alcoholic. It sounds like you have not had much to do with people who suffer with alcoholism and addiction, and so the subtle signs early in a relationship are easy to miss if the person appears to be functioning well, as you indicated. The fact that she holds down a great job and keeps getting promoted is common. As with other addictions, those who are savvy can hide it very well to avoid being exposed.

Yes, women can have a problem with alcohol, too. Alcoholism is a disease, and women, just like men, can be afflicted, unfortunately. Since you did not know her from an earlier period, before this started, you have no indication if her appearance has started to change. But one thing you can see clearly is her mood, lack of control about how much alcohol she consumes, and behavior when she drinks. I sense that what throws you off is your bafflement that she can maintain an ordinary life except when she drinks.

The good news is that you are on speaking terms with her again, so you should gently express your concern about her drinking. Urge her to seek help and tell her that you will be there to help her get through it. The bad news is that in most cases, she will not only decline your offer of assistance, but will deny that she has a problem, and just as she done before, she may refuse to talk to you. Common sense should tell you to stay away and not get further involved with a person who is an alcoholic, as that will most probably lead to further grief. You already have the other issues to face in this relationship, and this will only negatively impact matters. But it is clear from the way you are writing that you want to do whatever you can to make it work.

Dating and marrying an alcoholic can be a lonely and painful relationship. Even when she’s there, she will be emotionally absent. You also have to expect that in due time you might even become codependent on her. That will lead to problems of your own. You might lose whatever self-esteem you have, and you may develop anxieties about leaving her alone for fear that she may get hurt. At times, you could end up rescuing her from medical emergencies and even criminal crisis situations. Do not delude yourself into believing that this will get better with time. Marriage does not cure any substance abuse. I don’t mean to scare you, but in entering such a relationship, you can anticipate developing your own set of mental issues just watching her destroy herself. Please try and get her some help, but, most of all, you need to take care of yourself!

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

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