Misunderstood

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Written by Esther Mann, LCSW

Thursday, 16 June 2011 11:02

Dear Esther, a couple of weeks ago (MindBiz, June 3), there was a letter written to Jennifer Mann that I thought could have been written by my mother, though I know it wasnâ€™t. It was about a woman who had strong feelings for her ex-son-in-law, whom her daughter had divorced. She was concerned about whom her daughter would ultimately marry, didnâ€™t understand why her daughter got divorced in the first place, and was worried that she wouldnâ€™t be able to make the next marriage last either.

When I married my now ex-husband six years ago, I and everyone else fell madly in love with him. Besides being very good-looking, he was (and is) extremely charming, fun, funny, kind, and warm. I am the oldest of three sisters, so when my ex (letâ€™s call him Mark) came along, my parents felt as though theyâ€™d finally gotten the son they always wanted. And he was like the perfect sonâ€”probably even more attentive to my parents than I or my sisters. He would often invite them along with us to dinner or stop by their home on his own initiative, and he was thoughtful in most ways. He really did seem too good to be true.

Without going into details, soon after we married, certain behavior of Markâ€™s started seeming kind of weird or â€œoffâ€ to me. It was hard to put my finger on what exactly it was, but I had an unsettling feeling that something was definitely wrong with Mark. A couple of years ago, I was finally able to put the pieces together and figure out the mystery. Iâ€™ve never spoken to my parents or anyone else about his terrible flaw. But let me just say that it is very, very awful and something no normal woman would accept in a husband.

I made a decision early on to protect my children and keep the secret of his problem under wraps. After all, he still is the father of our two children, and a very good father at that. I never want our children to hear people saying terrible things about their father, though they may be true. I want whatâ€™s best for my children and I donâ€™t want them to live with the shame that exposure would bring into their lives.

I will stick with my decision of not exposing Mark, even though I know that as a result people have probably pointed fingers at me for being responsible for the divorce. Itâ€™s really unfortunate, and it feels unfair. But I will live with it. And I also know that even though my parents love me, they canâ€™t understand why I divorced their amazing son-in-law, and sometimes I wonder if they have even forgiven me for doing so.

My question is, how do I deal with the sense of pain and betrayal I feel when I learn that my parents had Mark and our children over for a Sunday brunch when he was with the children? I even cringe when it comes up that they spoke to Mark on the phone. Itâ€™s such an awful feeling. I find myself getting really angry at my parents, even though I understand that Mark had and still has a really good relationship with my parents and that my parents arenâ€™t aware of his demons, because of a choice I made.

I also have to figure out how to feel secure about myself when my parents make subtle insinuations that Iâ€™ll never be happy with anyone, if I couldnâ€™t make it work with Mark. I of course know why our marriage didnâ€™t work. But during my darkest hours, I sometimes find myself wondering if they are actually correct in doubting me.

So itâ€™s a mess, and I wonder if you have any suggestions for me.

Thanks,
-Misunderstood

Dear Misunderstood, Youâ€™re simply an amazing woman. In a sense, youâ€™ve martyred yourself in order to protect your children. I know I donâ€™t have to tell you how special that is and how special you are. You could easily have cleared your name and reputation in one fell swoop by letting the truth be known regarding Mark. If you had done that, people would have viewed you as the victim who deserves compassion, and Mark as the culprit. Instead, you did what you knew in your heart was the right thing for your children, despite the consequences.

But there is a downside to being a martyr. The concept of â€œfairâ€ no longer seems relevant. As a result of taking the high road, you have certainly compromised peopleâ€™s perception of who you areâ€”or at least those people who choose to judge you and your situation.

An important lesson for everyone reading this column is that we never really know the whole story behind anyoneâ€™s closed doors, and it is presumptuous and even silly for us to think we can really know whatâ€™s going on. For that reason alone, itâ€™s important that we always remain neutral in opinion and compassionate toward others, no matter how obvious a matter may appear.

But getting back to your dilemma, the first question that requires answering is whether there is some way of enabling your parents to know that the details of your divorce were not so simple, without sabotaging Markâ€™s reputation.

The second question you face is whether it is possible for you to not experience such a sense of betrayal every time you learn that Mark and your parents are connecting in some way, which seems to be a common occurrence.

And finally, how do you stay true to yourself, acknowledging that anyone could have fallen in with the likes of a person like Mark and that it is understandable why you were swept away with your feelings toward him, as everyone else was. In fact, you were not asleep at the wheel but rather sucked in by his charisma. Therefore, there is no reason why you should believe it will happen to you again.

First things first. If you can step outside yourself for a moment, hopefully you can see why your parents, without having been told any details, are confused over your divorce, disappointed that it happened, and wondering why any woman in her right mind would leave such a fantastic husband. Is it possible for you to step into their shoes and feel their sadness and sense of loss over the dissolution of your marriage? That might help you with your anger towards them. They too are mourning what was taken away from them and are trying to hang on to something that was very special to them for a number of years.

To help all of you move forward, I think you need to have a more honest conversation with your parents. You donâ€™t have to go into specifics about the nature of Markâ€™s problem, but you do have to make it clear to them that his issue is so extreme that if they knew what it was, they would be the first to tell you to leave. Your parents need to understand that. Hopefully they can put their own needs aside long enough to really â€œget it.â€

Subsequently, the nature of your relationship with your parents will shift in the right direction. Hopefully, they will understand you more fully and realize that you had no choice in the matter of leaving Mark. Feelings of being judged should lift. At that point, itâ€™s up to you to decide whether or not you feel itâ€™s in the best interests of your children for your parents to remain connected to Mark.

Some families are able to manage such a dynamic. But it shouldnâ€™t be painful for you; it shouldnâ€™t be at your expense. If your parents still want to keep an open-door policy with Mark, there is nothing wrong with your asking them to do what they need to, but saying that you donâ€™t want to hear about it, if that will make it easier for you.

Finally, regarding your own feelings of doubt toward yourself, and your capacity for choosing a proper spouse the next time around, there are several ways to look at how you came to be where you are today. From a spiritual perspective, you may want to believe that it was just meant to be. Or, you may want to accept the fact that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have been your best friend, your neighbor, or any other terrific woman taken in by Mark just as easily and too blindsided by all of his wonderful qualities to ever suspect that he had a dark side. Situations like yours say very little about you and everything about Mark.

As you continue to be such a wonderful mother by putting your childrenâ€™s needs first, try to blend that with huge doses of compassion toward your parents and yourself. You all deserve a big hug, free of any sort of recrimination.

-Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.