Heartbroken

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Written by Esther Mann, LCSSW

Thursday, 23 June 2011 10:48

Dear Esther, my sister Rachel and I have always been very close. We are 14 months apart and were more than sisters; we were best friends. We shared a room, we shared clothing, and we even shared friends. We always got along so well and used to fantasize about some day getting married and buying homes next door to one another.

I got married to Jay about a year and a half ago. I must say he is a very fine man. Very honest and decent. Polite, straight, and a â€œwhat you see is what you getâ€ kind of guy. He and Rachel seemed to get along very well, and all was good.

About six months ago, Rachel married Mark. From the moment I met him I didnâ€™t like him. Neither did Jay. There just seemed to be something kind of sleazy about him. But Rachel seemed so happy with him, and I didnâ€™t want to rock the boat, so I didnâ€™t say anything to her about my feelings. They seemed to be in love.

Since the time of their marriage, weâ€™ve had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Rachel and Mark. Now itâ€™s no longer just a feeling. I really canâ€™t stand Mark. And even worse, Jay literally hates him. Last week we were at a family barbecue, and Mark and Jay got at it so badly, that I think if my brother hadnâ€™t been there to break things up, it could have easily escalated into physical blows.

When we got home, Jay read me the Riot Act. He says he never wants to be in the same room (or backyard) with Mark again. He never wants to see his face or hear his voice ever again. Heâ€™s finished with him. But not only that, Jay is also saying negative things about Rachel for bringing Mark into the family, and so heâ€™s not so thrilled with her as well. Though Jay is usually a very reasonable man, whom I can talk to about almost anything, when Iâ€™ve tried to bring up this situation, he gets angry and tells me to not even think about going there.

Iâ€™m absolutely heartbroken. All of Rachelâ€™s and my dreams of living next door to each other and raising our children together have been shattered. I havenâ€™t even spoken to Rachel since the barbecue. Iâ€™m sure sheâ€™s feeling as distressed as I am over the whole thing. Of course I believe my husband Jay was wronged. My guess is that Rachel probably feels her husband was wronged.

Meanwhile, is there any way of resolving this horrendous situation? Any way to get Jay and Mark to at least just get along? When I think that my sister who is also my best friend will no longer be a major part of my life, I feel sick over it. Thereâ€™s got to be some solution to this situation. I just donâ€™t know what it is. Any suggestions?

-Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken, what a sad mess you and Rachel are in. So much collateral damage because two grown men donâ€™t seem to be able to get along. It is heartbreaking.

When siblings marry individuals who blend into the family structure and fit together like pieces of a puzzle, it is truly a blessing. Sometimes, these new additions actually make the family unit feel stronger, more cohesive, and even more fun. When that happens, itâ€™s like winning the lottery. Everyone comes out a winner.

Sometimes the result of layering a family with new additionsâ€”even people who come from distinctly different backgrounds, diverse ways of doing things, and colorful customsâ€”can be a bit challenging, but still manageable.

Of course, the worst scenario is what youâ€™ve just described. Spouses who not only have nothing in common, but are diametrically opposed to one another in ways that create a volatile situation. Itâ€™s intriguing to ponder how two sisters who have so much in common can be drawn to men who are so totally different. But thatâ€™s for another column. For now, you are stuck with an egregious situation.

I wish I could tell you that I have the perfect solution to your problemâ€”the ideal way of getting Mark and Jay to make peace, embrace one another, and become best friends forever. But I canâ€™t. Because you canâ€™t and neither can Rachel.

Clearly there is something about their two personalities that is like oil and water. Unfortunately, that happens sometimes between people. Itâ€™s awful, but there are those occasions when individualsâ€™ egos cannot seem to tolerate one anotherâ€™s. Itâ€™s usually about feeling threatened in some real or imagined way. And when it gets to the level of tempers flaring, and provocative behavior that comes close to physical blows, itâ€™s time to call a time out. For now, donâ€™t even think about getting Jay and Mark together.

However, that doesnâ€™t mean that you and Rachel canâ€™t mend your own relationship. Obviously, there has to be an understanding regarding what it needs to look like. First and foremost, it has to be understood that neither of you will discuss your husbands. No defending them, explaining why they are the victim, no finger pointing at the otherâ€™s husband, etc. You get the idea. Because trying to prove that your husband is really the â€œgood one,â€ will only escalate and lead to hurtful words being said that can never be taken back. So â€œhusband talkâ€ is off limits for now.

I have to believe there is so much more to your relationship and that you can get past this issue. Not easy and not simple, but it should be doable, if you both work very hard at keeping it safe. You two had so much in common and so much to talk about way before either of you even had husbands. Focus on everything and anything, except . . .

And donâ€™t despair or give up hope that things canâ€™t turn around some day. Mark and Jay are both young and maybe a little self righteous. People grow, mature, settle down, and often soften with time. There is good reason to believe that the day may come when they are able to initially tolerate being together and even, if you guys get lucky, enjoy one anotherâ€™s company. It happens.

-Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.