We live in exciting times. I recently read an article about a company in England that, in an effort to show people how to live green, created a prototype car that runs on coffee. They figured that if people can run on coffee, why not cars?
Okay, so there are still some bugs to work out. For example, in order to drive one mile, the car needs to burn an equivalent of 56 cups of espresso. And because the tank can only be so big, you would have to stop every 30 miles to refuel. Thankfully, there are coffee shops on every street corner.
“I’d like to buy 840 cups of coffee, and hurry! I’m late for work!â€
On top of that, you also have to stop every 60 miles to change the coffee filters. But on the other hand, the car smells great.
Maybe that’s not such a good thing, though, because you’d have to keep a constant eye on it, or people would keep siphoning coffee out of the tank while you’re at work. And come to think of it, at four bucks a cup, you may as well ride a bike. On 56 cups of coffee, you can go pretty much anywhere on a bike. You can cross oceans.
Thankfully, there is some other car technology that is actually closer to being ready. A company in Germany is currently developing a car that a driver can steer with his eyes. This frees up his hands to do whatever it is he needs to do while driving, such as play with the radio. Okay, so he can’t do that, because he still needs his eyes to drive. But he can definitely do things he doesn’t need his eyes for, such as scratch his feet. He can attack his feet with both hands, so long as he keeps his eyes on the road.
Anyway, they plan on putting this car into production as soon as they have all the kinks worked out. I wouldn’t worry. What’s the worst that can happen?
Okay, so you’ll have to stop rubbernecking at accidents. You also can no longer discipline your kids in the back seat, like you were able to back when cars were steered with your hands. And if you’re driving on mountain roads, you don’t want to look at the view.
Q: What if the driver dozes off? Or what if he blinks?
A: Actually, the car automatically stops when you close your eyes. So, for example, if you come to a red light, you have to close your eyes to stop the car, and then try to guess when the light has turned green again, based on the honking.
Q: But what if one of the passengers looks at the windshield? And what if everyone in the car is looking in a different direction?
A: They’ve fixed that problem too. In order to steer the car, the driver has to wear a modified bicycle helmet, so the car knows whose eyes to follow. So if you get this particular car, you’ll be sure to look really cool, driving around and scratching your feet with a bike helmet on.
“What’s with the bike helmet?â€
“It helps me steer the car with my eyes!â€
“Sure.â€
They’re also solving a lot of the problems by creating a second mode, where you can set the car to do all the driving on its own. The car will sense obstacles and speed limit signs, and you’ll be free to stare adoringly at your phone until you come to the intersection, when the car will stop and wait for you to space in and look in a particular direction.
But isn’t that just typical, though? Society has a problem of people driving and texting at the same time, so instead of creating some kind of, I don’t know, hands-free texting device where you just talk into the phone and the phone types up what you say and sends it to the other person’s phone, which then reads the message out loud to the person, they went and made a hands-free car! Those silly Germans. What will they think of next?
Now before I get a bunch of stern letters sticking up for the poor German scientists, I want to point out that I am not actually hurting anyone. In fact, a lot of the questions we’re asking are actually helping them improve their technology, so that one day, before we know it, cars will be able to drive entirely by themselves, and we’ll be able to go places without even being in the car. And in fact, humor columnists throughout the ages have always made harmless jokes about technology. Let’s go back in time and take a look:
Five Towns Jewish Times, June 1959: Don’t Take the Belt! A Humor Column by Morris Kenneth Schmutter
So I hear that Volvo just patented something called a “seatbelt.†Apparently, it keeps your pants up, but only if you’re sitting in a car.
No, I’m just kidding. It’s supposed to keep you in your seat while you’re driving. Because otherwise you’ll just wander away, apparently. Maybe we should start putting them on the seats in my classroom so my students will stop getting up.
Seriously, what is this obsession with safety nowadays? When I was growing up, we just roamed around in the back seat, and when my father wanted us to be quiet, he would hit the brakes, and we would all slam into the back of his chair. We had no seatbelts, and we all turned out just fine, except that I no longer finish all of my
Five Towns Jewish Times, June 1911: This is Not a Crank, A Columne of Humour by Myron Hyman Schmutter
So Ford just came out with a car that doesn’t have a crank on the front. No crank? How are we supposed to wind it up in the morning? With a key? Not only that, but they say that this new car is supposed to go faster than a horse. They’re even throwing around words like “horsepower,†like they’re taking actual horses and putting them under the hood. I looked under the hood, and I had no idea what I was looking at, but I definitely didn’t see any horses.
Apparently, the car can do all this because it runs on gasoline. Gasoline! Why don’t we just run our cars on dynamite, while we’re at it? We’ll just attach a few sticks to the back of the car, and hope we don’t have to make any sudden turns!
Also, when are they going to invent brakes?
Five Towns Jewish Times, June 1886: Where Does One Stick the Carrots? A Comedy (in that all are still alive at the end:) by Melvin Clarence Schmutter
So I hear from the newsie on the corner that they’re inventing a new kind of cart. I get all my news from the newsie—but not by purchasing a paper, mind you. I’ve discovered that if I stick around long enough, he eventually screams out the entire contents of the paper, including Ziggy. (That Ziggy is a delight! And what a marvelous head of hair he has!)
Anyway, it seems that the Germans are coming out with something called a “horseless carriage,†or “car†for short.
Q: Horseless? So it’s not going to move?
A: Apparently, it will move by itself. At least downhill.
But my question is this: Does it have to be horseless? My horses have become part of the family; I don’t want to lay them off. Perhaps they can sit in the cab with me.
Q: What if the car breaks down? Do we take it to the side of the road and shoot it? Also, how is one supposed to make it go faster? There’s nothing to whip!
A: Perhaps you’re supposed to whip the car in front of you. Personally, though, I’ve never whipped my horse to make it go faster. I just give it coffee.
Q: Those crazy Germans. What will they think of next? So if the horse isn’t the one pulling the cart, who’s going to wear the blinders?
Five Towns Jewish Times, June 2011.
Wait. I just had an idea.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and has written two books, both published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.
Add comment
This Week's Issue
Map of Eruv
Reach thousands of readers.
Advertise Weekly in The 5 Towns Jewish Times. Find out how our sales team can help you reach your advertising goals.
Call: (516) 569-0502
Login
Website Counter
Today
14129
Yesterday
31941
We have: 63 guests, 1 members, 141 bots online Today: May 16, 2012
5TJT RSS Feed