Shidduch And Divorce Issues

Dear Editor,

Kudos to Mr. Gordon of the Five Towns Jewish Times for addressing dating, marriage, and divorce in your weekly column (“Love, Marriage, and Divorce,” January 12) as well as your radio show.

As you noted in your column, the topic of rising divorce rates is a related topic to issues in the singles scene. I would suggest that they are extremely related.

If you don’t get set up often and have few opportunities to meet new people, when you do meet someone, there is going to be more hope that this one will work so that you don’t have to go back out there and start again at square one. Consequently, important issues of compatibility may be underestimated or not explored adequately, leading people to get married with an unhappy surprise party waiting for them.

Thank you for your willingness to open up conversation around these difficult and painful topics. Creating awareness and challenging the status quo isn’t easy, but it’s how change happens.

Sincerely,

Rachel Hercman, LCSW

Manhattan


A Shadchan Speaks From The Heart

Dear Editor,

I read your editorial “Love, Marriage, and Divorce” in the January 12 issue of your wonderful paper with interest.

While I agreed with much of it, I wanted to mention that, in my opinion, the suggestion of loosening social restrictions in dating and encouraging singles to mingle more would not greatly increase the number of older singles finding their mates. I’ve gotten feedback over the years, and often singles going to singles functions only leave frustrated because many of the singles say it’s the same singles going again and again, and the same singles never ever going because they don’t want to look “desperate.” I don’t think that will change.

I have been a matchmaker on SawYouAtSinai where I have set up many dates and made many shidduchim, b’H. I’m on the site on and off–more on than off–throughout the day, from early in the morning until 1 a.m., reading profiles, making matches, and communicating with singles. Matchmakers work long hours and accomplish much, with minimal financial reward. I believe that many matchmakers would invest even more time and effort if they would be rewarded financially for their attempts, instead of only being rewarded if they make a shidduch.

Many matchmakers go a year of working on matches, involving hundreds of hours of work a year, arranging many dates, but without making even one shidduch. That is frustrating and often makes them give up and leave, after they’ve formed relationships with singles. This is in addition to the experience of many shadchanim, where, even after making a shidduch, sadly, some able singles and parents avoid paying shadchanus.

So how do we encourage people to do matchmaking? We seek out:

Those who don’t have to work because they’re already wealthy, and encourage them to work at shidduchim. Perhaps it will mean a little less shopping, decorating, and vacation/cruise preparation, but once they taste success, they’ll be hooked. It’s exactly those people, who are social and well-connected in the community, to whom singles are likely to give serious consideration to their shidduch ideas. When E.F. Hutton talks, everyone listens.

Those who have proven to be successful at shidduchim, but are not wealthy enough to invest hundreds of hours yearly on shidduchim with no compensation, and we arrange with askanim to fairly compensate them.

If people of means would donate to a cause where matchmakers would be rewarded based on the number of dates made, or some similar criteria, it would only help increase the numbers of singles married, and help build more Jewish homes.

As things are now, with what matchmakers earn, most matchmakers are working strictly l’shem Shamayim, but not many can afford that.

Also, I wonder why more singles yearning to get married don’t join the site SawYouAtSinai as hishtadlus in finding their mates. SawYouAtSinai is known for some sensitive, caring, and warm matchmakers.

If we don’t seek out more matchmakers, and fairly compensate those who are successful, the statistics of older singles will only increase–and they’re already woefully high.

Such compensation will serve to encourage hardworking matchmakers to serve the Jewish public outside of their circle of relatives, friends, and acquaintances, and may be the simplest and most effective way to help ease the shidduch crisis.

With much thought,

Sylvia Fuchs Handler


An Open Letter To The 5T Schools

Dear Editor,

It is around this time of year when meetings take place to decide when camp should begin and end as well as when the following school year should start. Subsequently the entire school calendar is devised. I am writing to you today with a request. I am asking if you could give some thought to deviating from the standard, old school calendar and adapt a calendar that is more in tune with the needs of your parent body in the year 2018.

Please realize that the school calendar does not only affect your school alone; it affects just about every family in the community that has school-age children. The babysitters, playgroups, and nurseries in our community all follow the school calendar. For example, they give off on a Tuesday in November for “in-service day” even though their staff is not attending workshops to become better educators.

In an average year, there are 10 days off between school and camp in June and then another 10—14 days off between camp and school in August and September. Preschools and local playgroups tend not to start until after Labor Day. The girls’ schools have Chanukah vacation from Friday to Tuesday and then midwinter vacation less than a month later from Friday to Wednesday. Just these days alone add up to more than 20 regular weekdays when a parent must take off from work. Besides all these “regular” weekdays when the children are off, there are also yomim tovim that parents must take off.

When creating the school calendar, please keep in mind that today, more than ever, families have two working parents. When children have off from school on a regular weekday, one of these parents has to take off from work. It would be nice if both parents could take off and spend quality time with their children or go on a small trip. However, when there are so many days that the children have off, it is impossible to ever have both working parents off on the same day. The average job does not give that much vacation time. Consequently only one parent takes off at a time and the family never gets a chance to spend much-needed quality time together. I heard from a friend of mine that on Tuesday of Chanukah when the girls had vacation and the boys had school, there were more than 60 girls roaming the offices and hallways of Yeshiva Darchei Torah. Is this why we give Chanukah vacation–so that parents should take their children to work with them?

I would like to suggest having one less day of Chanukah vacation and two fewer days of midwinter vacation. In addition, there should be no more than one week off between camp and school and again between school and camp. I know that it takes time to clean and prepare the buildings for the upcoming school year, but a full week is enough time. I also understand that teachers and principals dedicate their lives to educating our children and have to work in the summer to supplement the below-average income they receive from our schools. They therefore deserve vacation time. However, a week off in June and a week off in August, along with all the yomim tovim, Chanukah, and midwinter vacation is at least equivalent to the amount of vacation an average person receives. In addition, it would make more sense for a teacher to take a few days off throughout the year and have a substitute replace them than to give the entire school off so that the teachers could have vacation time.

I would appreciate if you can give serious thought to my request and I look forward to hearing from you.

To support this cause, visit Change.org and search for “Fix the Yeshiva/Bais Yaakov Calendar.”

Moshe Horowitz

 

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