“i tried looking into her, but i dunno anybody that knows her or what she looks like . . . i’ll leave her name in the pile and may pursue it later if i find more info. thanks, Ploni.”
What you have just read is a genuine e‑mail received by a shadchan after forwarding a resumé to a young man. The e‑mail reflects what is wrong with some of the underlying attitudes that are prevalent in our community—at least among our young men. This e‑mail, of course, is not atypical or unique. It reveals an outlook, a mindset that is rampant in a world that has lost perspective and direction.
The resumé described a brilliant girl imbued with genuine chesed—a girl that the shadchan knew well. No matter. The young man will leave her name in the pile, which he may or may not pursue in the future. Why? Because in his cursory and superficial investigation, he couldn’t find anyone who knew her or what she looks like.
The young man’s thought process? We can only extrapolate. “Sorry. Gave her a chance. Let’s move on. Plenty of fish in the sea for me.”
Jewish chivalry, it seems, is not just dead, it is dead, buried, and so completely obliterated that we shall be lucky if it ever rises again.
What happened? Where has our decency gone? A recent biography of one of Klal Yisrael’s gedolim revealed that he refused to divorce his first wife even though the family misrepresented her age by some 20 years, in order to preserve the kavod of a bas Yisrael.
What ever happened to the Talmudic ideal of “one must honor her more than one’s own self”?
It would seem that there are two culprits here. The first is the demographic disparity between eligible guys and girls. That same statistical reality affords guys five to ten dates per month, yet affords our young women perhaps one date per month, if they are lucky.
But there is another culprit here, and that is ourselves—our homes, our educational system, and our shuls. We do not educate our young men as to the value of a bas Yisrael anymore. Our girls are taught the value of a ben Torah, but somehow the flip-side lesson has been neglected.
These young women daven so very beautifully. Their davening is an inspiration to see. They work long, hard hours in school with the goal of supporting a Torah scholar. They attend shiurim; they learn and read Rav Pincus, Rav Dessler, Nesivos Shalom; they are fluent in halachah. They ask halachic questions whenever they need clarity.
It is time that our bachurim learn to appreciate what a bas Yisrael is, her lofty and precious value and significance. The descriptions of the woman of valor by Shlomo HaMelech should give these young men pause. Indeed, even according to the Vilna Gaon, who writes that the “Woman of Valor” ode is, in actuality, describing the Torah itself, we should reflect upon the notion that of all the things in the world to which the Torah can be compared, the one that Shlomo HaMelech saw fit to compare Torah to is a woman of valor.
Also, why do we not encourage our young men, in the event that things do not work out, to perhaps suggest another young man for whom the suggested young lady might be fitting? Doing this might very well be a fulfillment of the Torah mitzvah of v’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha.
But getting back to the author of the above e‑mail.
My dear young man, a bas Yisrael’s resumé should not be relegated to “a pile.” A bas Yisrael should not be subjected to cursory research and then, as if submitted to an HR department employee with a thousand resumés, no longer considered. Recall please that these young ladies are the descendants of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, and their behavior and deportment do, indeed, reflect that. Recall, please, that we should not be so crass as to double-and triple-check how a descendant of our forefathers looks.
Also, did you really try looking into her? Did you call her references on the resumé? Did you ask anyone from her school or where she davens?
These words will perhaps fall upon deaf ears. But if it can change the perspective of just one young man, if it can correct the behavior of just one person, then it will have been worth it.

Rabbi Hoffman may be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com. (Note: Rabbi Hoffman’s daughters are not yet dating.)