Dear Esther,
I have four daughters whose ages range from 4 to 11. They are all different from one another in lots of ways. One in particular, “Chanie,” really stands out. She’s nine years old and I would say that she has always been my most challenging daughter. From a very early age, when she was colicky and miserable all the time, she just always seemed to be unhappy and extremely sensitive in every way. Even at a very young age, she couldn’t stand wearing certain articles of clothing that felt uncomfortable on her. She was always finicky about the foods she would and wouldn’t put in her mouth. Everything was a big deal for her.
Emotionally as well. If my husband or I raised our voices even a little at her, she would get hysterical. Even a “look” could send her into a tizzy. Over the years, we have learned to treat her with kid gloves. With our other daughters, we never felt we had to be so careful about every syllable we uttered, and could just be normal parents who sometimes raised their voices or gave punishments. However, with Chanie we learned early on that it just wasn’t worth going there with her. It was always easier to just give her more leeway than the others. On a positive note, I will say she taught us a great deal of patience.
The problem we are now having is that our 7- and 11-year-olds are starting to figure things out and believe that there is a real injustice going on in our household. They’ve started complaining constantly that we treat Chanie differently than the rest of them. That we let Chanie get away with murder. That we love Chanie more than we love the other three. That Chanie is our favorite.
Of course we tell them all the time that we love all of our children the same amount and that we do not have favorites, but the fact of the matter is that we do treat Chanie differently. And I guess it’s obvious. When the complaints started, my first reaction was to tell them that it’s not true, that we treat all of our children the same. But hearing myself say those words made it very clear to me that anyone could plainly see that I was lying. So I just ignore those complaints.
The drama is escalating. The children are becoming angrier about the discrepancies that exist between how we treat them and Chanie. I don’t know how to deal with this. What do I tell the three girls? That something is wrong with Chanie and she can’t be treated normally? Because frankly, that is how my husband and I feel—that she can’t really even handle being treated like a regular child, because she isn’t regular.
We don’t want to label Chanie and encourage her siblings to see her as “sick” in some way. And yet we feel that maybe they need to have greater sensitivity to her needs and be mature enough to understand what is happening and the dilemma we find ourselves in.
How do my husband and I explain to our three “easy” children why our behavior toward Chanie is different from how we behave towards them, in a way that will create sympathy rather than anger?
Torn
Dear Torn,
Though the question you are asking me is quite straightforward in nature, there are actually a number of different components to your situation that deserve to be addressed.
Firstly, everyone—and that includes you, your husband, and your children—need to understand that no one treats any two people exactly alike. Think about your two closest friends, whom you probably love and respect equally. Can you honestly say that you are the exact same person with each of them? Perhaps one brings out the sarcasm in you. You can kid around more freely with her and say things that you would never dream of saying to the other friend. Or maybe one is more private and you wouldn’t dare go down a certain line of questioning with her, even though with your other friend you might feel comfortable pursuing such topics.
We all inadvertently teach one another how we need to be treated, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. As a result, various people bring out different parts of our essence within that particular relationship. But the concept of being sensitive toward one another’s feelings and needs is a universal idea that is worth explaining to your children, in helping them to become more empathetic and also more insightful.
Chanie has taught you and your husband very well. From an early age she has terrorized you with her severe reactions toward all sorts of things and left you feeling powerless and unable to stand up to her. It seems it was very hard for you two to tolerate Chanie’s discomfort, for I do believe that her reactions were coming from a very real place of pain. She sounds like she’s always been a hypersensitive child, perhaps with serious sensory issues. From the get-go, she let that be known to all.
So in addition to reassuring your daughters, as you’ve done, that you have no favorites and that you love each of them equally, it would be helpful to explain to your other girls that every child is unique and every child requires, to some degree, personalized parenting. I think we can all agree that what works for one child does not necessarily work for another. It’s not a matter of love—it’s a matter of giving each child what she truly needs in order to flourish.
Getting back to Chanie, I suspect that you and your husband could benefit from some parenting coaching. Though I understand your fear of upsetting her, I don’t think you are doing her a service by pandering to her reactions. There has got to be a better way to react to her tantrums—for her sake, for your sake, and for the sake of your other children.
Chanie has to learn that she cannot go through life lashing out with intimidation tactics in response to her irritability. She would benefit greatly from learning new tools for soothing herself. She also needs to learn how to implement acceptable skills in order to get her needs met in a non-threatening fashion.
So it seems that you, your husband, and Chanie can use the help of professionals in order to create a healthier atmosphere in your home, implement a greater sense of harmony between Chanie and her sisters, give you back a sense of control and a roadmap for proper parenting, and finally enable Chanie to be the best she can be.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. She can be reached
at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295