Home Economics

I grew up in a home that was typical of that day and age. My father worked and took care of the family financially. I don’t think my mother knew much about finances. My father took care of all of that, and my mother worried about taking care of the home–the children, the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. I don’t recall there ever being a problem with this arrangement, and everyone seemed happy.

I’ve been married now for 26 years. I’ve basically followed my parents’ lead. My husband worked and paid the bills, and I did everything else, more or less. I had faith in him that he would keep us safe financially. I never thought for a minute that I would ever have anything to worry about.

Recently, something absolutely devastating occurred, and I am feeling so betrayed, angry, and confused that I don’t know what to do with myself or how to deal with my husband. For now, I can’t even look at him!

To make a very long story short, it turns out that he hasn’t been paying our mortgage for a number of years and our home is now in foreclosure. All those years that he was ignoring these payments–thereby also not paying our taxes (something I’ve just come to learn)–he was putting our family in a terrible position and risking everything. Somehow, he was able to go about his business, act as though everything was normal, never discuss any of this with me, and just keep going deeper and deeper into the hole.

I know he has a lot to figure out right now. How does a family recover from such a situation? I’m not writing to you to ask you that question because I know that’s not your area of expertise. I am writing to you to figure out how I can move forward emotionally with this man. I have lost all faith in him. I don’t trust him, I feel he hurt me and the family very deeply, and I wonder how I can love such a man ever again! Can a couple move on from such devastation?

He claims that he was trying to protect me by not telling me, hoping that his business would turn around so that he would eventually get back on track. Frankly, I’m not interested in his excuses. I find myself looking at him very differently, with a lack of respect. Can I ever regain this respect? How do couples recover?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

Learning that your home is in foreclosure is certainly alarming news. A home is so much more than just a roof over our heads and walls surrounding us. It represents our safe space, the keeper of so many memories, the community in which it exists, and so much more. So, of course, you’re feeling angry, betrayed, and very scared, worrying what your future will look like.

I’d like to answer your general question first and then reflect somewhat on your situation. Put simply, couples can recover from just about anything. I’m not referring to the financial aspect; I’m talking about the love, respect, and friendship that the two of you shared for so many years that now seem obliterated. I am constantly amazed at what people can learn to accept and adapt to. It is one of our greatest blessings–our ability to move on or at least to be able to live within painful situations and keep our focus on what is working in our lives.

But it doesn’t just happen on its own. Time generally softens most blows. But the desire to heal must be alive and well, plus the ability to go deep while trying to understand the full story and all the elements that went into an individual making poor choices is also necessary. You have to want to move on. You have to want to forgive and let go of the anger. You don’t have to forget, but it would be in your best interest to find the compassion within yourself to accept the bad behavior, as well as a desire to take out of the experience life lessons that will help you grow.

Though it might sound like I’m suggesting that you give your husband a free pass, what I am suggesting is that you try to begin the dialogue that will help you hear what he must have been going through and hopefully understand why he felt so compelled to protect you from the truth. Though it was entirely wrong, was it coming from a mean-spirited place, a frightened place, or maybe a place of wanting to shield you? Let me be clear: none of these “places” excuses what he did. But by gaining more understanding and compassion toward what he must have been going through, you would be taking your first step toward recovery–which I suspect is something you ultimately want.

Now let’s take a peek at what might be your responsibility in all of this. We are not living during your parents’ time. Generally speaking, it takes two salaries to keep a family afloat these days, and often two salaries don’t even quite cut it. The scenario you describe reminds me of the sitcoms from back in the 1960s and ’70s wherein the wife is usually portrayed wearing an apron, preparing dinner for the family while waiting for her tired husband to come home from a hard day at work. Yes, husbands are still coming home tired from a hard day at work, but, usually, so are the wives! It’s a different world today. And without trying to insult you, I believe it is incumbent upon women today to be sophisticated regarding finances. (And by the way, a man should also know how to scramble an egg, to say the least.)

Imagine how helpful it would have been had you been curious regarding your finances and asked (or insisted) to be included in the details of your family’s lifestyle and budgeting. Did you have any idea how much your husband earned? Are you aware of the cost of yeshiva, camp, and basic expenses? Have you ever taken the time to do the math in order to determine whether you needed to be out there, bringing in some income as well? Yes, your husband should have shared all of this information with you voluntarily. But if he didn’t, it would have been wonderful if you had asked. If I sound as though I’m coming down too strong on you, I apologize, but I feel passionately that women today cannot live in the dark anymore. Maybe your husband is one of those guys who believe it’s kinder to not burden you with any scary financial talk and to not ask you to pitch in. If so, it likely came from a thoughtful place. But, clearly, as you are learning the hard way, it’s naïve and dangerous–both on his part and on yours.

Within your question, you wrote, “I know he has a lot to figure out.” Well, actually, though he got you into this mess, this is as good a time as any for you to become a team and figure out how to dig your way out of this mess together. Yes, he got you here, but I believe turning this situation around should include both of you. When women start understanding finances, it is empowering, liberating, and a smart way to live.

You certainly have your work cut out for you. Both in terms of finding forgiveness within yourself toward your husband, and also as it relates to becoming a savvy partner in your family’s finances. If you’re up for the challenge, you’ll get through this and find yourself wiser and stronger at the end of the day.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

 

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