By Esther Mann

Dear Esther,

About six years ago, a young family moved in next door. The mother is significantly younger than I am, so I had no intentions of being anything but neighborly towards her; I didn’t see the possibility of a friendship ensuing. They have a number of children and one of them is a girl. I’ll call her Sara. When they moved in, Sara was two years old and just about the cutest thing I have ever seen! As the mother of two sons, I was really taken with her. Anyway, I immediately fell in love with Sara, and I think the feeling was mutual.

At the beginning, if we happened to be outside at the same time, I would take some time to play with Sara and engage her. Eventually, I’d always make sure to have a treat with me or some little thing to give to her. It was all very wonderful. As she got a little older, I would ask her mother if she wanted to send her over to my house to hang out with me occasionally. My children were long out of the house, and especially on long Shabbos afternoons, it worked for all of us. Sara’s parents got a break and I got to spend some enjoyable time with Sara.

Our relationship continued to develop, and Sara and I would often have long talks, even though she was still pretty young. But she loved to talk and I loved to listen. I really looked forward to spending time with her. I felt so connected to her.

About a year ago, something happened. I don’t know what exactly, but it seemed Sara was suddenly not Sara anymore. This lively, bubbly, energetic, engaging little girl suddenly became withdrawn and distant from me. Whenever I would bump into her, I could barely get her to smile. She wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. If I asked her a question, I would get a one-syllable answer at best. She looked as though she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

I kept reviewing whether there was anything I might have said or done to upset her or maybe even her parents. But as much as I racked my brain to figure something out, I couldn’t come up with anything.

It was like someone had suddenly flicked a switch in Sara’s brain and she was gone! Whenever I called her mother to invite Sara over, I would hear her ask Sara if she wanted to visit with me, and, inevitably, her mother would come back to the phone, apologize, and say that Sara said “no.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation and started worrying that maybe something terrible has been going on with Sara. Maybe there is some kind of abuse at home and she’s showing the signs of it. We read newspapers articles about crazy situations going on behind closed doors and children being terribly abused, while no one has a clue that it’s going on.

I find myself thinking a great deal about this situation and wondering whether I should call Child Protective Services to go in and check things out, or maybe there is some other way I can make sure that Sara isn’t being mistreated or in danger.

If something bad happened to Sara, G-d forbid, I would never be able to forgive myself, and I don’t want to be one of those people who never reported their fears and just stood around, allowing bad things to happen.

How do you think I should approach this?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

My initial instinct is that you are developing a conspiracy theory, and you’re allowing this storyline of Sara being abused at home to grow and take on a life of its own.

Most likely, Sara has changed. She is going through a difficult stage or, at worst, a personality change that is difficult to watch. This is not unheard of. Sometimes, children who start off as a bundle of happiness and fun simply change. And often it’s for no obvious or remarkable reason. Unknown to anyone, including the individual suffering, it could be due to the wiring of their brains changing, how they are maturing and perceiving the world around them, or sometimes due to the beginnings of chronic anxiety or depression. (Yes, children can suffer from anxiety and depression.) Sometimes it boils down to typical issues with one or more family members, issues at school, poor self-esteem … the list is endless.

Conversely, we see children who start out painfully shy and withdrawn suddenly emerge like a butterfly from a cocoon, radiant and full of color and life. The mind is a mysterious thing and we can’t always predict or understand what goes on.

To quell your fears about possible abuse, perhaps you can drop in unannounced one Shabbos, explaining that you haven’t seen them around much and just want to say hi and see how everyone’s doing. See what your gut tells you. What can you take in about the way Sara’s mother interacts with her children? Does anything seem amiss to you? How do the other children appear? If Sara is hiding out in her room, which isn’t unusual for withdrawn children, casually ask how Sara is doing, how she likes school, etc. Perhaps her mother will even share with you that Sara has been “difficult” to communicate with lately. See where a casual visit takes you.

Regarding putting in a call to CPS (Child Protective Services), that’s a pretty extreme move which should include specific concerns, such as hearing lots of screaming coming from their house, seeing Sara leaving the house looking neglected in some way, or noticing concrete evidence of abuse. As of now, it seems you have no specific evidence of anything being amiss or suspicious aside from Sara’s change in personality. Without taking it too far, continue to stay present and alert, but don’t go overboard with obsessing over your theory.

Now I must ask: is there enough going on in your life right now? Clearly, you miss having Sara in your life and that has created a void, which is understandable. It sounds as though the two of you shared something very special and fulfilling. For the time being, Sara is no longer present for you. Rather than get overly invested in your worries, find ways to live a full, interesting life.

Go through a brief personal checklist regarding the nature of your life. How’s it going? You mentioned that your children are long out of the house. Do you work or volunteer? Do you have friends, hobbies, and passions to keep you busy and content? If the answer is yes, than I’m barking up the wrong tree. But I suspect that you may have too much time on your hands and would benefit from finding some meaningful ways to spend your time.

Clearly, Sara is going through a rough patch. She seems to be struggling, and that is painful to observe. You could even ask her mother if she feels there is anything you can do to engage Sara. But there is no telling if or when Sara will once again be that bubbly child you fell in love with.

And so it goes. In the interim, there’s nothing wrong with staying alert, but don’t obsess. Live your life, don’t get carried away with your worries, and when Sara is ready to emerge from her cocoon, I’m sure you’ll be there to embrace her.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

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