By Esther Mann

Dear Esther,

A number of weeks ago, my husband, Hesh, went to dinner with a group of friends he’s known since childhood. They get together about once a month and have a wonderful time. I’ve always been supportive of these get-togethers, as Hesh is a hard worker and I like that he gets to have a little fun.

My mother is in her early sixties. She lives alone and is therefore extremely careful regarding COVID, saying, “Who’s going to take care of me if I get sick?” So she goes out early in the day to do her shopping but otherwise stays home. The one, probably-not-so-wise, exception, is that she allows Hesh and I to visit her briefly every Sunday. We leave our children home with a sitter and try to be careful while we’re there. I guess everyone picks and chooses in what areas they will be a little less strict.

My mother recently tested positive for the virus, and we were all shocked and upset. I called my friend Suri and told her about my mother testing positive. Suri then said to me: “Isn’t it crazy how Moishe (one of the guys in Hesh’s group) called everyone the day after they met for dinner to tell them that he tested positive, and how quickly it seemed to spread to two others? Thank G-d they all got themselves tested and quarantined after hearing about Moishe being sick.”

It took me a few minutes to process what Suri just told me. This was the first I was hearing about it! Hesh never mentioned to me that his friend tested positive right after going out to dinner with the group. Hesh never told me that he and our entire family had to quarantine, and he never got himself tested. Unbelievable! Though I can never prove it, I feel in my heart that Hesh must have been positive himself but asymptomatic when we went to visit my mother, and he must have given it to her.

By the time Hesh got home from work, I was shaking. How could he do something like this that I consider criminal? I figured I wasn’t going to play games; I told him flat out what Suri told me, and asked him how he could do such a thing. He thought for a few minutes and finally responded: “I’m a healthy guy and felt there was no way I was going to catch the virus. And let’s face it — I can’t afford to miss work. I’ve got to go in. I can’t afford to take the time to quarantine.” And he said this in a way that made it seem like he thought his answer made any sense at all.

I am furious. I would have been furious even if my mother hadn’t quite possibly caught the virus from him. The fact that he could lie to me by omitting such important information is boggling my mind. It makes we wonder what other things he lied to me about over the years and whether I could ever trust him again. Oh, and since then, we’ve all gotten tested. Hesh and one of our children have antibodies. So obviously they had the virus and were asymptomatic.

I can’t get past my anger at him. Hesh thinks I’m going overboard. He’s apologized, but big deal! I look at him and wonder, “Who is this man?” This is such a serious matter and I can’t believe he hasn’t been taking it seriously at all. I’m starting to remember other times in our marriage when I felt he skirted around the truth or didn’t bother telling me something that he thought would upset me.

I’m starting to question our entire marriage and wonder whether Hesh is a man I can trust and lean on going forward. I’m confused. Sometimes I question myself and wonder whether I’m just COVID-wary and overreacting. I see that many of us are getting irritable and maybe we can’t trust our own feelings during this crazy time. In the meantime, I find myself pulling away from Hesh.

What is your reaction?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Let’s call a spade a spade. What Hesh did was wrong in every way. COVID is not something any of us can afford to play around with, and exposing you and your family — and, even more crucial, your mother — to this potentially deadly virus can be viewed as criminal. How there are still some adults who think it’s all a joke or something that couldn’t possibly touch their world is difficult to understand. But there will always be those people who live in la-la land and choose to bury their heads in the sand.

First and foremost, I hope your mother has a refuah sheleimah and that your family stays safe. Next in line is figuring out what to do with your feelings toward Hesh and how to process what he did. Why are his values so skewed that he believes missing work is more dangerous than getting and spreading COVID? His thinking in these areas is definitely messed up.

Has he chosen in the past and will he choose in the future the path of least resistance, as he avoids sharing with you pertinent information that could be of upmost importance? Though I’m sure you know many parts of Hesh, clearly there are pieces of him that he’s managed to hide from you during your marriage. Though you may have suspected in the past that certain pieces of the puzzle weren’t fitting together properly, since most of us generally have a gut reaction to deceit or cover-ups — we sense something is just off — the instances probably weren’t of such magnitude that they prevented you from moving on.

Right now there is no moving on. Your marriage has hit that moment of critical mass when it’s time for major unpacking with a critical eye: exploration, conversation, sharing, and doing the hard work of getting to know one another on a much deeper level. What makes Hesh tick? Why is his relationship with work so intense that he fears missing a few days? Why is he in denial about the dangers of COVID? Why does he think no one is worse for the wear if he withholds critical facts, life-altering information? Why does he think you can’t handle the truth from him, on this matter and in regard to other matters as well? It would also be interesting to discover where he learned such behavior and if he understands that it’s no longer acceptable.

This is not the time for pulling away. On the contrary, this is a time for getting closer emotionally with curiosity and honesty. Obviously, Hesh owes you and your mother a sincere apology and then some. But beyond that, the two of you have your work cut out for you. You probably could use a couple’s therapist to help guide you two through these important conversations, the sooner the better. For your sake, so that you can move on, and for Hesh’s sake, so that he learns the value of total transparency within a marriage and how vital it is in order to enjoy a healthy, happy marriage for many years to come.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther is presently offering phone, Zoom, and FaceTime sessions. She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

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