 
Wind Knocked Out Of Me
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By Esther Mann, LMSW
Published on Thursday, November 06, 2008 -
COMMENTS (0)
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Dear Esther, I’ve been reading your column for some time now and find it very interesting and insightful. There were some interpersonal general family issues that I wanted to write and ask you about, but then this new situation came up this week. Unfortunately, it made all of my other problems seem minuscule in comparison.
As most of us know, raising a family in New York doesn’t come free. Money is an important issue in our family, since we live month to month. Thank G-d we have a home, and it has come in handy in the past when I needed a bridge loan or some other lump sum of money to get through whatever life sends our way. But this is the kicker! I called my faithful mortgage guy last week to see about using some of the equity in our house for a loan, and he told me that my credit score had dropped 60 points and that my options were now limited.
Totally shocked, I asked the obvious question: What happened to my credit? He pointed out to me that four credit lines were opened last year in my name and that they were maxed out and one was delinquent. My initial reaction was to call the FBI and every other law-enforcement entity, in order to clear my stolen identity and name, when it suddenly dawned on me that the culprit may be not some stranger, but a family member.
Amazing as this may sound, lo and behold I discovered that it was my mother who was responsible for this dire situation. It’s hard to express the avalanche of feelings that hit me, including a feeling of total shock. But this is the reality of what happened, and now I’m completely devastated on so many levels (and, understandably, so is my wife).
I’m at a complete loss of direction as to what to do in this matter. I did confront my mother about this (understanding that she is a widow and didn’t have the easiest life raising us). Her answer was that she needed the money and planned to pay it back eventually. Though I feel sorry for her in some ways, I still feel completely betrayed. How could she do this to me? How could a mother do this to her very own son? I always believed that parents are supposed to be there for their children and protect them, as opposed to the very opposite—using and hurting them.
I really don’t know where to begin now to rectify this situation. My wife wants nothing to do with my mother ever again, and I have to admit that at the moment I feel the same way. Please help.
Sincerely,
-Wind Knocked Out Of Me
Dear Knocked Out, betrayal is a devastating thing, no matter where it comes from. However, as you point out, betrayal from one’s very own mother—one’s flesh and blood, the single individual in one’s life who is supposed to protect us always, beyond all others—takes on an even greater sense of deception and personal pain. So I certainly can understand how plundered you must be feeling right now.
Your question generates many more questions from me than answers. My first thought is to wonder about your mother’s mental health. Is she totally stable? Totally aware of the consequences of her behavior? Able to reflect upon the nature of the act she committed and the aftermath that you and your family would have to deal with? If the answer to these questions is no, then the path for you to follow would be quite different. However, if your mother is quite stable, quite aware of the nature of her behavior, I have to believe that there must be culpability on her part.
What makes this situation so tricky is that there is the issue of kibud av v’eim. If this were some other individual, you probably would consider taking him or her to a beis din to right the wrong. Since this is not an area I feel comfortable commenting on, I think perhaps your first step should be talking to your rabbi to find out what actions you can take that would be considered acceptable.
Putting that aside for a moment, let’s talk about the practical issues that arise. How did it happen that your mother had enough access to your personal information that she was able to pull off such a terrible stunt? Has she been sneaking around your personal papers, or have you been very free and open about such intimate information, such as your social security number, etc.? I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson the hard way about how important it is for one to be quite vigilant about protecting one’s personal data.
Again, not my area of expertise, but I think you need to sit down with some sort of financial person, together with your mother, and work out a plan for how and when she will pay back all the money she has helped herself to. Assuming she is capable, this must be done in a timely fashion. You also need to find out what you can do to improve your credit score. I’m sure there are individuals who work with people who have been duped, such as yourself. There must be avenues to pursue that can help you out.
Next, let’s look a little more closely at your mother’s life. What is happening here that she felt compelled to steal (borrow?) from her son? Is she destitute? Did she need money for basic things such as food and shelter? Or was this money used for perks, such as extra clothes and a good time? If in fact she is feeling destitute, that would be an area to explore. Why has it come to that? Who else is involved in her life that can come together with you to make sure that you mother is in a safe and sound financial situation? Again, more questions than answers, and without me knowing all the details, it’s hard to give a complete answer. But when someone does something so immoral and even irrational, it’s important to understand what led up to such an act. Was it an act of desperation, or one of greed?
Finally, there is the issue of trust and—more importantly and basic—the issue of even having a relationship with your mother again. I think you need to sit down with her and get to the bottom of what her thoughts were during this exploit, find the answers you need, and work from there. It will no doubt take time for you to trust her again. She will have to earn that privilege back. But you are her son, her flesh and blood, and hopefully you will eventually rebuild this shattered relationship. For your wife, it will take much, much longer. And your mother will have to work extremely hard to regain your wife’s confidence in her. Right now it’s broken and needs a great deal of work and attention to fix it.
These are hard times for so many of us. You certainly didn’t need this extra complication thrown into your lap. I hope that you are able to work through this difficulty both in a concrete way to get your money back and your credit score improved, and also to succeed in working through this breach of trust with your mother in a way that heals all of you and prevents anything like this from ever happening again. Good luck!
-Esther
Esther Mann, LMSW, has a private practice in Lawrence. Esther is a psychotherapist and life coach and can be reached at 516-314-2295 or mindbiz44@aol.com. She works with individuals, couples, premarital couples, and families. ♦
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