Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton

By Larry Gordon

Donald Trump loves Illinois. He loves New York. He loves the many states around the country that handed him resounding and significant victories in his drive to attain the nomination to be the Republican Party
candidate for president of the United States.

More than anything else, however, in the spirit of Purim, we recently learned that he loves, loves, loves Turkey. He loves, loves Turkey almost as much as he loves to win, win, win. His most favorite Turkey, we understand, is the type served with cranberry sauce, sweet potato, and all the fixings.

Trump has been criticized for, more than anything, lacking a foreign policy or any understanding of the nuances of international relations. Recently, his spokesperson indicated to the Purim Press Service that this was an exaggerated critique and one without merit.

To illustrate the depth of the candidate’s international experiences, we were told that Mr. Trump has a special affinity for Chile and Greece. He prefers chili that is extra spicy, and he craves foods fried in grease. This might be a policy tinged, or at least singed, with a bit of misunderstanding, but that is the political game as it exists today.

His European experiences to date include a special taste for Belgian waffles. Belgium, Mr. Trump might have said at one point, is the seat of the powerful and influential European Union, but more than anything else, he is wild about their waffles.

And then there is the matter of his early endorsement by former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Allegedly it was reported that his thoughts turned to seeking Governor Palin’s endorsement of his candidacy one night in a New York restaurant where he was enjoying a generous portion of baked Alaska.

Out on the West Coast, Governor Jerry Brown was never considering endorsing Mr. Trump, despite The Donald’s predisposition to the California roll when it comes to sushi. There is no way to bridge the political and philosophical gap between these two, regardless of the type of sushi involved.

As far as international relations, when asked who he depends on for advice and direction in this arena, Trump divulged that he mostly speaks to himself about these matters. His allegiances were actually revealed recently by one of his chefs at Mar-a-Lago, when the food preparer talked with the Purim Press about the Trump family favorites as being chicken Kiev, French toast, Swedish meatballs, and Yorkshire pudding, amongst others.

Aha–so that’s why Trump has spoken so favorably and even strongly about his future ability to get along with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. It’s their common ground in the kitchen.

As for Trump’s favorite American cities: Well, he might have said they include Sardine, Illinois; Hamburg, New York; Orange, New Jersey; and Mayo, Florida. The Donald may not be as big a culinary connoisseur as his recent sidekick, Chris Christie, but both look like they are well versed in the concept of chowing down.

As for how Donald plans on handling Hillary if it does come down to that, he refused to be specific, but he did indicate that once he sets his sights on her, well, her goose is cooked.

Speaking Of Hillary

Still, despite the best efforts of The Donald and the Republican Party, Hillary Clinton might become the next president. And everything else aside, isn’t it high time that the great U.S. shattered its own glass ceiling and elected a woman as president?

But in these contemporary, modern times, this, too, poses a whole new set of possible dilemmas. We believe that after all this time, it is important for a woman to lead this country. The issue that we have failed to consider is what if Hillary does not remain a woman for the full four years of her first term in office? After all, who would have ever thought that Olympic champion Bruce Jenner would have done what he did? It just looks like anything is possible.

If we are going to get Hillary, then that’s who we should have for the full four years or, who knows, maybe eight years. The wild thing here is that even if Hillary were to switch genders, she would not have to necessarily change her name, unlike Mr. or Ms. Jenner. You see, Hillary is not just a woman’s name–it’s a male name too. One name expert said recently that “Hillary is a unisex name, it’s for boys and girls. It’s more commonly used for girls in many places, but there are lots of guys named Hillary too. It’s used extensively as a man’s name in Ireland and England.”

The expert points out that there are other names that seem to be interchangeable, like Ashley or Dylan, but not Mordechai or Esther. In Jewish life, there are women and men named Simcha, both often referred to as Simi–but we digress from Hillary.

In New York, despite all the problems facing the city, Mayor Bill de Blasio had time to declare that in schools he feels that students should be allowed to use lavatories of the particular gender they identify with regardless of their biological composition. It’s a crazy situation symptomatic of an upside-down, reversal-of-roles world.

Hopefully we can draw the line at the president of the United States and not have to concern ourselves with our commander-in-chief’s gender. Let’s not even discuss Donald becoming Donatella. That would be way too much, even on Purim.


If this year’s election can be encapsulated with the focus on one issue, it would be the selection of a justice to fill the current vacancy on the Supreme Court, as well as the opportunity to fill vacant seats going forward over the next few years.

While there are numerous decisions faced by the justices every year, the one most defining matter is that of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, the right of the citizenry to legally own and maintain their weapons that can protect them and their families.

But face it, in parts of the Five Towns, Brooklyn, and areas of New Jersey, the protection of Second Amendment rights generally means something completely different. For many of the women, especially, it is the freedom, ability, and prerogative to wear short sleeves, particularly during the warm spring and hot summer months. And while this may be an issue in some communities, a lot of people in our readership area feel strongly about the “right to bare arms.”

OK, so you might argue that this is a colossal constitutional misunderstanding. But, hey, it’s right there in the Constitution of the United States and subject to regional and even tribal interpretation based on the understandings of those whom these fundamental rights impact most.

The Constitution applies to all Americans and was conceived to protect us all. If we are not big-gun-type people–that is, if shooting practice is just not our communal thing–then are you attempting to insist that there is an amendment of the Constitution that has no relevance to us?

A lot of people beg to differ. Just take a walk down any of these communities’ main streets on a busy shopping day. It is about people demonstrating their protected fundamental rights. You can argue and debate all you may like about short sleeves, but a right to bare arms is just that; don’t confuse us with the facts.

Insufficient Fun

It is as startling as it is controversial. That is the rabbinic flexibility of late when it comes to the matter of annulling marriages retroactively, for whatever reason. The move–which is rare–has been shrouded in mystery and ambiguity. In other words: How do you end a marriage or create a rabbinical decree that says that although a couple has been married for years, said marriage never really existed according to Jewish law?

Now a mechanism has been set in place that allows, along with the cancellation of a marriage, the cancellation and reversal of any checks written to vendors associated with the marriage event in question.

The complicated attachment of a financial aspect to the retroactive nullification of a marriage means that there will be consequences associated with the transaction that have an impact on more than just the individuals or the family involved in the marriage.

Instead, the rabbinical initiative of nullifying a marriage will have broad applications to others. In other words, the marriage may be ended, but the checks are going to be bouncing all over the place like beach balls. That means money paid to the hall, the caterer, the florist, and the orchestra is going to be returned and marked “Insufficient Funds.”

Now if ending a marriage retroactively and throwing a family into potential disarray is not serious enough, what are we going to do about the caterer not being paid?

And one more thing–have an enjoyable chag. Happy Purim to all.

Comments for Larry Gordon are welcome at editor@5tjt.com.


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