By Mordechai Schmutter

Are you bad at buying Chanukah gifts?

Well, do we have some ideas for you! They’re bad ideas, of course, but that’s what makes them perfect for you.

Note that all of these are real products that people are paying real money for, so you’re far from being alone out there.

For example, you can buy someone a Comfycup ($17). This is a cup holder that attaches to the pole on the subway, in case you’re interested in leaving your cup on the train. It can also be used at the playground!

This product is a no-brainer, because your minivan has at least 16 cup holders, and you don’t need any on the subway? How does that make sense? In a car, you don’t have to hold anything. On the train, you have to hold all your stuff and your kid and the pole, and still have one hand free to keep your kid from licking the pole.

According to the promotional material for this item, “You don’t have to keep juggling your drink, trying not to spill it on your clothes, electronics, or other people.” Besides, you know, all the other people who are holding this pole. I’m also pretty sure it’s assuming that you’re not going to pick up the cup every time you take a sip. Are you just leaning into the pole and sipping from the top?

The material also points out how some people spend three hours a day commuting, and this way you can get other stuff done! Though I don’t know that you’re spending the entire three hours nursing that one cup of coffee. Both ways. Does it hold three hours’ worth of coffee? Is it big enough for an urn? Why don’t you have a lid? None of this is clear.

This item is good for the person on your list who takes three hours to drink a cup of coffee.

Another great gift for busy people is the Baby Mop ($13). This is a onesie outfit that you put on your baby, and it has a kind of shag carpeting attached to the front so the baby can sweep as he crawls, using the principles of k’bol’o kach polto. Basically, it’s a loophole that allows for child labor. Maybe this baby should do something to pull his weight after you carry him around all day, the little freeloader.

The static-charge buildup will be ridiculous.

(“Nobody pick up the baby!”)

But other than that, it’s very smart, because you can put this on your baby and send him into corners of the house you don’t normally let him go. (“Hey, want to play in the attic?”) And the good news is that he can get into vents, under furniture … Just spray the floor and let that baby go. Spilled your coffee? Let the baby play in it! You can also dip him in a bucket of water and have him mop! Either way, this is an especially great gift for the person on your list who runs a daycare.

You can also consider buying some microfiber cleaning slippers ($13). These are slippers with mops on the bottom, and are a good way to tell your loved one, “Hey, you’re lazy, you drag your feet when you walk, and your house is gross!”

It’s also great to wear while you’re actually mopping, so you stop making footprints.

This is a great gift for the person on your list with humongous feet.

Another gift that is good for basically anyone is the Vector cup holder ($50). This is a cup holder that clips onto the side of a table. That way, let’s say you’re sitting at a table, and you’re like, “Where am I going to put my cup?” You can put it in this cup holder! For $50!

Basically, it’s like those things that clip your baby to the table. Because where else are you gonna put your baby?

OK, so maybe there’s too much stuff on the table, and you don’t want to knock over your cup. But I say you’re more likely to knock it over when it’s hanging off the edge of the table like that. Next to your baby.

Or maybe it’s a fleishigs/milchigs thing, for that person on your list who just has to sit there and have his coffee while everyone else is eating fleishigs.

Another gift for the person who is constantly working but doesn’t have stuff all over his desk is the Inflatable Pillow Tie ($20). This is an actual tie that you can wear, and the front part has a little mouthpiece so that you can manually blow it up and take naps while you’re at work. No one in the office will know that you’re secretly sleeping at your desk. You’re just the guy with an ugly plastic tie and weird face lines. And only that front part inflates, so you don’t even need to take it off and then figure out how to remake it in a hurry when someone comes in. When someone comes in, you can jerk your head up and pretend you were working, and your tie will just look like it’s having an allergic reaction to something. So yes, you might have to deflate it in a hurry. Possibly using a stapler.

“I was just … um … working.”

“OK. Why is your tie stapled to your desk?”

This tie is also great for yeshiva bachurim. (“Hey, so I notice that all my students have suddenly started wearing ties to English!”)

NOTE: According to the promotional materials, this tie is not meant to be used as a lifesaving device. In case you wear it in the pool.

If you want to lie back, you can just wear your tie backwards! It can also be used to cushion your head against the train window.

Don’t wear it to your job interview.

This item is great for the chashuve person on your list who learns well into the night.

Another item that’s great for people who learn well into the night is the sleeping bag with legs and a hood ($50). Note that I did not mention it having arms. It’s basically a huge pair of pants with a hood. This way, if you wear it on a camping trip, let’s say, you can run away from bears! If you’re in a sukkah and it starts raining, you can get up and run straight into the house. Literally, because who’s opening the door?

There is a version of this that does have arms, but that’s not the one you should buy. If there are arms and legs, how is that different than just lying on the ground in a coat?

This item is great for the person on your list who thinks he can defeat a bear in kickboxing, as well as someone who wants to wake his kids up for yeshiva but not get out of bed. It’s definitely better for the office than just an inflatable tie. I would recommend wearing it with the inflatable tie, so you can look professional.

If the person on your list is really into technology, you can get them a Dronebrella ($275). This is an umbrella that is attached to a drone that you operate by remote control to fly over your head. It’s hands-free! You know, besides the two hands you need to operate the remote so it doesn’t crash or get stuck in the telephone wires.

OK, so it actually is hands-free. It supposedly has a technology that follows your head, at least if you have your phone on you. So it’s great if you need your hands to, say, have a long phone conversation. Well, except for the noise. It sounds like you’re being followed by a beehive. It’s also great if let’s say your hands are trapped inside a sleeping bag. But it will keep you dry in the rain, at least until there’s a strong enough gust of wind to blow it away. It’s basically a drone with a parachute on it.

This umbrella is still technically in the developmental stages, but it’s coming along nicely. The current prototype flies for five minutes before running out of batteries and dropping on your head. Unrelated, it weighs 11 pounds. Also, last I heard, they were still trying to make it waterproof. For now, they recommend it for use in the sun, which is definitely worth $275. And it’s hands-free! You know, like a hat.

This item is great for the person who won’t forget that it’s following him and accidentally get into a car. Can it follow your car at 60 mph? What happens at a low bridge?

Our final gift, for someone who is always in a rush, is Ironius: The Coffee Mug Iron. This is a coffee mug that has a large, flat bottom so you can use the heat of your coffee to iron your shirts. Mornings are always rushed, but this way, you can get two things done at once, while also probably spilling coffee on your clothes! Because the mug does not have a lid. You get to pick: Do I want creases or stains?

I imagine you probably get dressed before you have your coffee. But you can still take off your shirt and iron it wherever you do have your coffee, such as on the train! And the hotter your coffee, the longer it irons! Three hours? Why not?

This gift is great for the person on your list whose Gemara pages are curling up at the corners.

It’s also perfect for deflating a pillow tie. 

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of seven books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com

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