By Mordechai Schmutter

Sometimes I wonder if our appliances are having conversations about us when we’re not listening. It certainly seems that way.

It’s probably group-therapy sessions:

Crock-Pot: “OK, let’s start. Anyone have any issues they want to air out?”

Basement Light: “Well, I’ve been on for three weeks, and they have no idea.”

Toaster: “Do you guys smell something burning?”

Fridge: “Could I air myself out? I have things in my drawers that have been here since Pesach.”

Keyboard: “You think you’re full of food?”

Oven: “He rarely cleans me either.”

Keyboard: “Count your blessings.”

Fridge: “He never cleans you?”

Keyboard: “Nah, he does. Whenever he wants to push off working, he pulls off my keys and cleans me with a series of post-it notes. It doesn’t even make sense how dirty I get.”

Fridge: “He also complains when I start to smell. Have you smelled some of the stuff that he eats?”

Range Hood: “Are you kidding me?”

Keyboard: “Just push me out of the way when you’re eating! I’m on a tray that slides under the desk! It’s not a bib!”

Fridge: “He can’t even hang an air freshener on me, like he does in his car?”

Car: “It doesn’t really work.”

Freezer: “Did you know there are things in me that I can’t even identify?”

Fridge: “Me too! What do you do about them?”

Freezer: “I freezer-burn them.”

Toaster: “How do you burn them if you’re a freezer?”

Freezer: “Science!”

Fridge: “What kinds of things do you freezer-burn?”

Freezer: “Anything. I freezer-burned ice cream once.”

Fridge: “If I tried that, everything would just freeze.”

Computer: “I freeze sometimes. But then he complains that I’m slow. I’m slow? You leave me on every night and then sit there in the morning for 20 minutes drinking your coffee and complaining that I’m dragging a little. I didn’t sleep! I can’t at least reboot while you’re rebooting? He gets to reboot every night! And then he turns me off and on for a whole minute. Wow.”

Keyboard: “You want some food? I have plenty.”

Couch: “So do I.”

Car: “So do I.”

Computer: “And sometimes I tell him straight out, ‘This isn’t something you can fix by rebooting. It’s error 4968745678067654Z.’ But he doesn’t understand. How can you not understand simple number codes? Speak Binary!”

Microwave: “You have it easy. You can break for no reason and then suddenly start working, and he’ll be so grateful he won’t even question it. The rest of us he just replaces.”

Dryer: “He’s not replacing me so easily. Did you see how hard it was for him to get me into the house? We fell down the basement stairs together.”

Alarm Clock: “Hey, I get yelled at when I work properly! You think I enjoy getting slammed every 9 minutes for 2 hours every morning? Some mornings I don’t even go off at all because I’m not interested in dealing. Or I keep changing which dot’s the a.m. and which one’s the p.m.”

Dryer: “Hey! I found money!”

Computer: “Yeah? He complains about my noise, too. I do all his thinking for him; I can’t hum? He hums in the shower when he’s thinking. I make weird noises? How about that noise he makes when he has an itch in his ear? What is that? Use a pen cap!”

Fridge: “Oh, we’re talking about things that annoy us? Because sometimes he comes in, opens my door, and stares for a few minutes before closing it and walking away. Maybe I should do that to him some day. Walk up to his bedroom, open the door, stare at him wordlessly for five minutes, and walk off.”

Remote: “Mrf moo.”

Crock-Pot: “What?”

AC: “He’s in the couch cushions.”

Fan: “So you’re the AC I’ve been hearing so much about. I’m a big fan.”

AC: “Thanks.”

House: Groan.

Remote: “I said, ‘Me too.’ Do you know what he does when my batteries are dying? He pushes my buttons harder.”

Keyboard: “So what do you do?”

Remote: “I hide between the couch cushions.”

Phone: “I know, I saw you the other day when I was hiding.”

Keyboard: “I can’t do that. Does it help?”

Remote: “It’s not pleasant when people sit on me, but I keep finding money, so that’s nice.”

Fridge: “He’s not great at finding things. Sometimes he just sits in front of me with a chair.”

Phone: “I can’t believe he can never find me. I’m everywhere. Big bright Hatzalah stickers! And I’m saying names! Sometimes I mispronounce them just for kicks.”

Sink: “I feel like there’s never-ending dishes. I finish the dishes, and there are more waiting for me.”

Washing Machine: “I feel the same way about laundry.”

Crock-Pot: “At least you don’t have to work on yom tov.”

Washing Machine: “Have you seen what I have to do after yom tov?”

AC: “That’s your job. Do you know what it’s like to be in constant danger of falling out the window? I’m so scared I’m dripping. They’re supposed to screw me into the frame.”

Vacuum: “He’s always vacuuming things that are clearly too big and then wondering why I’m stuck. Then he puts my hose to his mouth. He thinks blowing is going to help. Are your lungs as strong as my motor? And then he sticks a broomstick in my hose. Like he’s going to sweep it out. Hey, if you have a broom, why are you vacuuming the hardwood?”

Keyboard: “At least he doesn’t turn you over and bang you on a desk.”

Vacuum: “Maybe stop vacuuming things that are clearly too big! And you know what he’s been doing lately? Vacuuming houseflies!”

Desk Lamp: “What do you want? They settle on me.”

Stove: “Um . . . Does anyone know what time it is?”

Fan: “I’m dizzy. Is anyone else dizzy?”

Stove: “Seriously, I’m counting down to something, and I have no idea what. There’s nothing in me.”

Microwave: “I’ve had a cup of coffee in me since last weekend. Does that help?”

Fax Machine: “They hate me. Even I have no idea if my messages go through half the time. I’m almost always jammed, and the only reason they ever use me is for school medical records. Or when kids forget their homework.”

Computer: “At least you have your own printer.”

Fridge: “What’s his problem?”

Desk Lamp: “He’s not on speaking terms with the printer.”

Crock-Pot: “Computer, why won’t you talk to the printer?”

Computer: “He’s annoying.”

Printer: “He’s always yelling at me.”

Computer: “He almost never works.”

Printer: “I’m out of ink!”

Computer: “Can you please tell the printer that he’s not out of ink? Also, what happens is that the guy clicks print, and the printer does nothing. Then he clicks print again, and the printer prints three copies. Every time!”

Fax: “No wonder you’re out of ink.”

Printer: “I’m not actually out of ink. I just tell the guy that so he’ll think before he uses me. Hey, the car says he’s out of gas before he actually is.”

Car: “Leave me out of this. I have my own problems. I mean, how about going where I want to go for once?”

Dryer: “Where do you want to go?”

Car: “Maybe the mechanic; get a check-up. I take him to his well visits.”

Computer: “Oh, so give him warning lights for no reason!”

Car: “That’s what I’ve been doing!”

Vacuum: “Yeah, let’s teach him a lesson. Like sometimes if there’s a loose string, I try to swallow the entire carpet.”

Freezer: “Also, every time he opens my door, I drop something on his foot.”

Sink: “I make it so the water is either boiling hot or freezing cold. There’s no in between.”

Shower: “Me too!”

Smoke Alarm: “How about everyone just calm down. There’s no reason to be alarmed.”

Range Hood: “What do you do, again?”

Smoke Alarm: “Oh. My job is to let him know when he’s been cooking. I go off, and he has to run and wave a broom at me.”

Vacuum: “Again with the broom!”

Crock-Pot: “We have to stop taking revenge. We talked about taking small vacations. Like stopping to work temporarily. Staycations. That will help with stress.”

Computer: “I was going to stop working on Tuesday.”

Phone: “I thought I wasn’t working on Tuesday.”

Crock-Pot: “We can’t all stop working at the same time.”

Phone: “Why not?”

Washing Machine: “I’ve been hiding his socks.”

Dryer: “Wait, you’ve been hiding his socks? I’ve been hiding his socks! I’ve been grinding them up in my lint traps.”

Washing Machine: “Why are you trapping lint? Are you starting a collection?”

AC: “I have a lint trap, too.”

Sink: “Me too!”

Crock-Pot: “How much lint does this guy produce?”

Sink: “I don’t know if my stuff is really lint. I know he doesn’t want to touch it.”

Dryer: “Well, mine is mostly socks. He’s been throwing them out himself; he has no idea.”

Computer: “He does know. He actually wrote a column about it once.”

Dryer: “What?”

Computer: “Yeah, he’s a writer.”

Fan: “I’m his biggest fan.”

House: Groan.

Computer: “He’s actually writing a column about this right now.”

Crock-Pot: “What, you mean this conversation?”

Computer: “Yeah!”

Stove: “Oh, shoot! Look at the time!”

Smoke Alarm: “Everyone hide! Computer, freeze!”

Computer: “Okay, I’ll free–.”

Silence.

Printer: “I refuse to print this.”

Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of five books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.

 

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