By Goldy Krantz 

I’ve been writing for many years as a dating columnist, and though this veers from that topic, I felt that this was an important article to write and for all to read.

I received a letter from a woman who was dedicated to her job—almost too dedicated—asking for my advice. Her letter was lengthy, so I will only quote a portion of it.

“…We’re only a staff of two in our operations department and are asked to do everything. My co-worker and I have begged for help, more staff, but it’s never going to happen. The work and responsibilities extend beyond the 9 a.m.–6 p.m. The responsibilities are 24/7 (including motzaei Shabbos). Think I’m joking? My supervisor and other administrators text me at 10:30 at night. I’ve told them it’s inappropriate and demonstrates a disrespect of personal boundaries to text then. The response is, ‘I can text you anytime. I text so I don’t forget. No one is telling you to check your phone and answer after hours.’ No one seems to understand that when my phone vibrates, I look at it. It could be my older parents … especially at 10:30 at night. When I would see that it was one of my bosses, I would respond to their question or whatever it was, because I was raised to respond and act when the boss calls—I just never thought my frum boss would call or text on weekends or ten minutes before Shabbos. My husband would advise me not to respond at that late hour, but if I didn’t respond, it would nudge at me. That is just the way I am.

You may ask why I work then and not wait until the next morning or Monday morning to continue what I was working on. Why? Because there is always something to do! The administrators want their organization to become a household name like HASC, Chai Lifeline…but at the expense of the employees. With a growing organization, everyone has ideas of how to improve the programs, new initiatives….there is always work piling up. I meet deadlines, but at the expense of my family. The one time I commented about this, the response was, ‘So maybe you’re not cut out for this job.’ I’m ashamed to say that my husband says I am more married to my bosses than to him, but it’s true. Why do I work myself to death or to the expense of my own family? It’s because I truly believe and care about the cause and mission of the organization. I love interacting with those we service and assist. But I think the administrators lost sight of their original mission and are just trying to ‘play with the big boys.’ Becoming a household name is more important than treating their employees well. When I tried not working in the evenings, the work piled up and there weren’t enough hours in the day or week to get it all accomplished plus spend real time with my family.

And that’s another thing, whenever my co-worker and I are asked to plan an event or trip for the families we service, we work triple as hard and in the days prior to the event/ trip even longer hours, if that is possible. The executive director insists we try to get every vendor, at a discount, or even for FREE. He feels that people should want to give their time and services to his organization. After I had made phone calls to secure entertainment for a party, I was told, ‘Get him to cut his price more or we won’t use him.’ I was embarrassed. Here the performer already cut his fee in half and now I was going to have to ask him to cut his fee again? We are a relatively new organization whose executive director wants everything for free. But we aren’t established yet. Whenever I’d call a menahel, askan, other frum organization…none have ever heard of us and the boss demands steep discounts and even people to work for free?! Getting back to the party, the performer was not happy, ‘This is my parnassah. I’m to travel and perform for free because your boss thinks the organization deserves it? My own family deserves for me to earn money!’ He’s absolutely right. I couldn’t disagree with him.”

The letter continued. As I read, my heart broke for the woman. I will refer to the letter-writer as Cindy (from Cinderella). The administrators of the organization were demanding and didn’t understand the meaning of family or boundaries when it came to their employees. It seemed that when she tried advocating for herself, her words fell on deaf ears. She felt as if she was being abused by her employers, not physically but possibly emotionally and psychologically. I agreed. Cindy needed help. Frankly, it’s harassment to text and call at all hours. Her employers knew they were taking advantage of her and didn’t seem to care.

I tried to help Cindy as best as I could. There is a blurry line between employees standing up for themselves and what can be called as back-talking and insubordination. There was no HR department for her to seek help from because the organization was small. I advised Cindy to resign in order to save her sanity as well as her family. But she wouldn’t. Her family needed the parnassah. I provided Cindy with some advice, even some mantras to chant to herself throughout the day. I thought that by empowering Cindy to believe in herself, the words would come to her and she would figure out how to tackle this issue with her boss and to repair any damage to her marriage and family.

A few days later, Cindy e-mailed me. I thought I would read that she spoke with her boss and respectfully told him to respect boundaries and that more manpower was needed in the organization. Unfortunately, that wasn’t what Cindy wrote. Cindy was called into a meeting the previous day and was fired. She said she was in complete shock and still is. She wrote that her boss said that he was so impressed that she was able to meet every deadline, no matter how much work she was given. He even told Cindy that he never understood how she was able to get it all done with her growing family. “When do you sleep?” he had the audacity to ask. She sat in shock while her now former employer kept saying that Cindy should have figured out by now that she wasn’t the right person for the job and he had dropped enough hints for her over the last few months that she should resign, but she never did. “And that’s why you are firing me, because I did everything you wanted?” Cindy asked her boss. He explained that she did not end up creating the structure that he wanted and that the organization needed.

“Structure? Every time I tried creating structure, there was hard pushback from all the administrators.” Her former boss agreed with her, “Yes, no one likes change. But you couldn’t change their minds about change and because of that, it won’t work out.” The meeting then ended with her former boss saying to her, “This was easier than I thought because I have nothing to fight with you about or to complain about.” That was it.

This broke Cindy. “I didn’t get fired because I couldn’t do the job. I did the job. He was impressed I kept doing the job. I was fired because to turn into the big organization they want to be, they needed to change. But all agreed “not to change.” Cindy realized that she had been set up for failure from the very beginning. Even though she jumped through every hoop set for her, there wasn’t any intention of retaining her because they didn’t want to do what had to be done in order to bring them the notoriety, buzz, and branding that it took to compete with the other frum organizations. She felt used, abused, and thrown away when her usefulness was gone. She couldn’t believe that she put her own family and their needs to the side at times to help her other family, what she thought of as her work family. The other family that squeezed everything they could out of her still asked for more and then tossed her aside like a dirty diaper.

Cindy was mortified that her boss told her that he was surprised she hadn’t quit by then because he had hinted it enough times. “When? Every time we spoke he was telling me to do something, giving instructions.” Not once did he say, ‘Find another job’ or allude that she wasn’t doing all that was required of her. She felt like a fool, as if everyone was in on the joke, which was her. She worked, sometimes even after her husband asked her not to, but she needed to meet a deadline or just needed “another five minutes.” Now she feels like she sacrificed her own family for nothing.

This was heartbreaking, but I’ve heard it too many times before. I responded that I was so sorry to hear what had happened, but that, honestly, in a couple of days she will see that this is a berachah that now she can spend time with her true family. The family that loves and appreciates her. Cindy agreed with all I wrote but added that it still hurt. I understood that. The hurt was real. Cindy put her all into the job, as one does in any relationship, and was rejected for something that was not her fault. Yes, we have all heard it. Bosses do whatever they want. Employees are there to do the bidding of their employers, and if the employer decides to terminate employment for any reason, that’s all that matters. They don’t care that they took away parnassah from a family or they terminated someone who truly believed in their work.

Why am I writing this long article about someone getting terminated from a job? I want all to understand that there are more relationships in a person’s life than the one between spouses or significant others. Sometimes the termination of that relationship may affect someone more than the breakup of the relationship between loved ones. Think about it. People spend almost the same amount of time with their work family as they do with their own family—if you don’t count time sleeping. The work they do gives them purpose, especially if it is something they believe in. Cindy certainly cared about the cause and mission of the organization. If she didn’t, I think she would have quit after they didn’t listen to her about respecting her personal time. Cindy is right to feel used, and it sounds as if her former employers knew exactly what they were doing. The meeting Cindy was called to sounds well-planned and rehearsed.

Cindy and her family have to pick up the pieces. Yes, her husband may have been right about the organization, but now his wife is hurt and that will affect the family, not only financially. I want people to understand that breakups of any type are hard to get through. Hearts aren’t the only things affected, but confidence and self-esteem take a hard hit as well. Cindy’s confidence and self-esteem were crushed and will take time to build back up again.

To say that I am sorry for Cindy is an understatement. But I hope others who hear of someone who was laid off or fired and may seem as though he or she is “fine,” will realize that the person may be far from fine. Cindy is not fine, but I hope she will be soon. It takes courage to get back to yourself, to go through the motions of the day for the sake of your family and children, and to begin again someplace else. We need to give those going through it a tremendous amount of credit.

Some employers will never change and will always continue to squeeze as much out of their employees as they can. Maybe it’s worse when it is done by a frum employer. Maybe those employers live by a different Torah than others. They may reason it out to themselves as it’s “just business.” But it isn’t just business, and they know it. Everyone needs to know that those going through what Cindy has gone through have been abused and need the support from their loved ones to recover. The abuse from an employer is rarely spoken of, but it is very real. You may not be able to call Shalom Task Force about it, but call a friend or therapist to help you deal with the emotional toll it has taken on your life.

I felt that Cindy’s story needed to be shared because breakups aren’t just between couples. It can happen and affect you just as much or even worse when it isn’t a loved one but something to which you were devoted and cared about. 

Goldy Krantz, LMSW, is a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book The Best of My Worst and the children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at bestofmyworst@hotmail.com.

1 COMMENT

  1. Hi Goldy,

    This is Chaim, Cindy’s former boss. Thank you for bringing this issue to light in a well crafted manner. I’m sure many of your readers can also benefit from hearing the employer’s side of the same story.
    Firstly it’s important to say that I feel terrible. Cindy was hired one year before she was let go. She was a good employee. In the weeks leading up to Cindy’s termination I was really torn. After all Cindy had done everything she possibly could to be good at her job. She was extremely dedicated and hardworking. She worked many late nights and started early in the morning. This was not an easy job for her or her family as she admitted in her letter to you. Yet I was amazed at her incredible energy and ability to persevere. After several months it became apparent that the job was not a fit. Now I found myself in a conundrum. Do I continue to pay her with donor funds and limp along or do I do the dreaded thing and let her go for the benefit of the organization.
    And then the right thing became clear. I asked myself am I helping Cindy by keeping her employed in a position that’s not a fit? The right thing became clear.
    That said, I’m sorry that Cindy was hurt when I let her go. I truly am.
    I stumbled upon this article today on Tisha Bav, a day of reflection. On this day I am reminded yet again how daunting the task is to exercise true ahavas chinum. My message to Cindy is. I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I hope you find a more suitable position and you and your family can successfully move on from this experience.

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