Divorce is never easy. For Ahuva and Chaim, it felt like the end of everything they had built during their 15 years of marriage. They had always been the couple that seemed to have it all: four beautiful children, a nice house, and what seemed to be a perfect life. But as their relationship unraveled, the hardest part wasn’t the divorce itself, but figuring out how to navigate life after the marriage, especially when it came to the children.
The thought of splitting up the family during birthdays, Shabbos, and yom tov was honestly the hardest part. Their children were old enough to feel the tension, but too young to understand the complexity of adult relationships. All they wanted was to keep their family together, especially at these crucial holidays.
For Ahuva and Chaim it was extremely guilt-inducing. This weighed the most on them. They dreaded the idea of their children feeling torn between their parents, having to choose sides, particularly during a time that was supposed to be about spending time with your family.
Like many couples, Ahuva and Chaim considered taking their case to court. But as they started exploring legal options, it quickly became clear that the court’s rigid rules wouldn’t provide the personalized solution they desperately needed. The thought of a judge making the decisions about their family’s most private moments felt wrong. They didn’t want to simply follow a standard custody arrangement where Shabbos and the yomim tovim were split between two homes, with the children caught in the middle.
So, they turned to mediation—a choice that not only helped them find a legal resolution, but ultimately helped them change the way they approached their post-divorce life.
At first, mediation sessions were anything but easy. Both Ahuva and Chaim had a lot of pent-up frustration and pain. Ahuva felt that Chaim emotionally checked out of their marriage long before they agreed to separate. Chaim, on the other hand, was overwhelmed with guilt and shame, struggling to accept that his relationship with Ahuva was over. They both blamed each other and the tension in the room was palpable. As a mediator, I attempted to shift their focus away from their personal grievances and direct the conversation toward one critical question. “What do your children need most right now?”
That question changed everything. For the first time, instead of fighting for what they thought they deserved, they began to look at the situation through the eyes of their children. The children didn’t care about who had more custody days or how the assets were divided. They wanted to feel safe, loved, and most importantly, whole.
I posed a follow-up question that sparked a true breakthrough: “What does a perfect yom tov look like for your family and how can we make that possible?”
Suddenly, Ahuva and Chaim realized they weren’t on opposite sides. They both wanted the same thing: a sense of continuity for their children, especially during special occasions. I encouraged them to brainstorm for some creative solutions, no matter how unconventional they seemed. It was about thinking out of the box, beyond the legal constraints, and putting their family’s emotional needs first.
That’s when the idea came to life, something neither of them ever considered. Instead of splitting yom tov time between two homes, they would keep the family home as a shared space for special occasions. Ahuva and Chaim would take turns living there for key moments like birthdays and holidays, while the other parent would stay elsewhere. The kids would always have the comfort of waking up in their own home, in their own beds, with the familiar sights and smells of family traditions.
This “home swap” solution seemed radical at first, but as they talked through it, the logistics made perfect sense. Not only would the children benefit from the stability of staying in one place, Ahuva and Chaim would also have the chance to step away from the conflict during stressful times and focus solely on their children when it mattered most.
Of course, as Mediator, I understand that this solution would not work for everyone, but that is the beauty of mediation vs. a court room: you get to be the person who decides what your new family dynamic will look like. You get to control the narrative while a neutral third party guides you along the way.
I helped them map out a detailed plan, ensuring that each parent felt comfortable with the arrangement. They discussed financial contributions to maintain the house, how the time-sharing would work, and most importantly, how they would communicate to keep the focus on the children’s happiness.
The first shared yom tov post-divorce was Sukkos, a time that had always been special for the family. Chaim moved into the house a few days before, helping to put up the sukkah and have his kids decorate the sukkah so the tradition would not be lost. Ahuva came over to see the decorations in the sukkah and to bring over a cake she made every year for them to enjoy.
It wasn’t perfect. There were moments of awkwardness, and both Ahuva and Chaim felt pangs of sadness for what they had lost. But with the guidance of a mediator, they focused on what matters most: the children’s happiness. For the children, it was the easiest transition they could have had. It was almost as if nothing had changed. They woke up in their home surrounded by both parents, filled with the feeling of a wonderful Sukkos like they had always remembered.
Over time, this arrangement became the norm for the family. They learned to navigate other holidays, birthdays, and even school events with the same cooperative spirit. The key was that mediation helped them to see beyond the divorce to the bigger picture—the future of their family. It wasn’t about winning or losing; it was about creating a new kind of family, one that worked for everyone.
A New Beginning Through Mediation: Through mediation, Ahuva and Chaim found a solution that no courtroom could have provided. The process allowed them to communicate, heal, and think creatively about their future. They turned what could have been a painful and divisive divorce into an opportunity to redefine what family meant for them and their children.
Their story is a testament to the power of mediation, not just as a tool for resolving conflict, but as a process that fosters understanding, creativity, and emotional healing. It shows that with the right support, even in the most difficult times, families can find ways to stay connected, preserving what’s most important, even when the structure of the family changes. In the end, Ahuva and Chaim didn’t just mediate their divorce—they mediated a new beginning for their family. n
Tamara Gestetner is a professional mediator who specializes in divorce, and a psychotherapist located in Cedarhurst. Tamara works with couples in need of mediation as well as couples in need of counseling. Tamara can be reached at tamaragestetner@gmail.com or 646-239-5686.
