Question
My family and I have been reading your column with interest for years, and my husband asked me to write to you about what we know is a double standard in shidduchim. Young guys go through so much and nobody talks about it. All I ever hear about is how hard it is for girls, and that girls are being redd to boys who are not for them.
My daughters are older than my two sons. My daughters all got married easily, b’H, but for my boys it is so hard. Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the crisis for boys? I don’t know what people are talking about when they say it’s a shidduch crisis for girls.
My older son is 31. The minute he turned 30, the first question out of everyone’s mouth when I called about a shidduch was, “What’s wrong with him?” What’s wrong is that he is still single because of the lies that rich parents of girls make up. The girls never look like their picture. Why should my good-looking, skinny sons, ka’h, marry a girl who is not pretty and is heavy? I’m sorry if I sound mean, but I had enough with the lies. My sons are college-educated, have a profession and are gentlemen. There was something wrong with all the girls they have ever gone out with, and not just their pictures.
Response
I can sense that your pain is deep, and you feel that your sons are not fortunate in meeting the type of young ladies they feel compatible with. If it is any consolation to you, or if it makes your disappointment easier to bear, your family is not the first to voice similar complaints. These complaints have been addressed in this column from time to time. It is a fallacy to insist that all men have it easy in terms of finding their bashert. I agree with you that society prefers blaming men for the single status of women. But any active shadchan will agree that unless a man is willing to marry the first woman who wants him, he, too, will experience challenges.
Your grievance about the girls looking nothing like their picture is a reality created by those who advocate for pictures to be included with the résumé. People Photoshop their pictures. People send pictures that are not recent. So when your sons meet a young lady for the first time who bears no resemblance to the photo they viewed prior to agreeing to the date, the photographer may have done a superb job, or your sons were furnished with older photographs. I am outspoken about the practice of pictures having been brought into frum dating, but if it needs to be done, then attaching a picture that looks nothing like the person will only bring discomfort to both parties.
The excuse I receive is that it gives the person who may not be as attractive a foot in the door. However, that is to the contrary. If your son agreed to a date with a young lady based on her photo, and she looks nothing like it, then when she meets and happens to like your son, but he is clearly upset with the way she looks in person, she will pick up on it no matter how gentlemanly he may try to be in her presence. So while it is true that your son will feel that his time was wasted, can you imagine the pain the young lady feels when she realizes that he does not find her attractive? Anyone who still maintains the archaic notion that by some miracle he will see past her appearance needs to get over it. The fact that he had a different image in his mind will kill the shidduch right there.
A shidduch is a personal decision. Regardless of whether your sons are good-looking and skinny, if that is what they seek, they are entitled to feel that way, and they have the right to express the desire to meet such a woman. Anyone who makes them feel less than kind for it is not going to be the shaliach to introduce them to their bashert.
I will say that people typically do not take well to hearing a man say that he is not interested in meeting a woman because he does not feel attracted to her appearance. While every person is created in the image of Hashem, and beautiful in his or her own way, one still needs to feel an attraction for the person he or she will marry. It works both ways. A woman, too, must feel attracted to her husband.
You mention that it is not just the photo that is inaccurate. If there are other things wrong as well, I have to assume that there are inconsistencies regarding the résumé also. The school of thought regarding making the photo and résumé appear better than it may actually be is that when the guy will meet the woman, even if she is not what he originally expected, he will appreciate her personality, character, and all-around good traits.
There is another aspect to this topic, and that is that some people are not photogenic. No matter what they do, or how skilled the photographer might be, there is a certain charm that some people have that can only be manifested in person. It could be that twinkle in the eye, or the way one communicates compassion in an unspoken manner, that can only be picked up in a face-to-face situation. Those impressions were possible back in the day when shadchanim would redd shidduchim minus the résumé and picture. Singles were therefore more amenable to accepting dates back then, and shidduchim usually happened with less agmas nefesh than nowadays.
People in defense of pictures typically say that they could find anybody’s photo on social media. That is not necessarily true. There are people whose picture you will never find online. Quite frankly, I advise singles to stop posting photos of themselves on social media sites, as in way too many cases, it hinders their opportunity for finding their bashert.
The other issue you brought up, sadly, affects both genders. There are circles in which it has become the accepted belief that if a single man or woman turned 30 and still remains single, there is something wrong with him or her. As a shadchan, I get that all the time when making an introduction, and even when I hold a conversation totally unrelated to shidduchim. With such people, when I mention a 30-plus-year-old man or woman, they remark quite seriously, “So what’s wrong with him/her?” When I reply that there is nothing wrong, and I go into details with praises of the individual, the question that follows is, “So if he/she is so great, why is he/she still single?” Oftentimes they don’t give up and continue by saying, “There must be something wrong.”
I wish I could just chalk up their comments to ignorance, but it has come to the point that I can’t excuse such talk anymore, especially when in today’s society there is an overwhelming amount of exceptional young men and women of all ages who remain unmarried.
With regard to what people say, let them talk all they want. You can’t worry about what people say or their need for self-importance. They should have no space in your life anyway, and your sons need to stay away from such people. I don’t know what hashkafic circles your sons are part of, but it would be in their best interest if they broaden their horizons and look outside their daled amos, and perhaps consider young ladies from other communities and network for themselves there. It is not everywhere that people have tunnel vision such that they consider age a detriment to one’s normalcy and balance.
This business of pictures accompanying shidduch suggestions is too ingrained in society, and I don’t think it will stop anytime soon. That said, in answer to the dilemma of being misled where appearances are concerned, and since that is so important to them, my recommendation is for your sons to have their first meeting on a Zoom conference. With the way technology has found its way into our lives, and especially with the pandemic, many singles are opting to meet for the first time on Zoom. Please understand that I do not advocate for this practice, except in their situation.
Additionally, it would be a good idea to find out why they are being suggested to the types of young ladies they don’t wish to date. With their permission only, it would be a good idea to speak to a few shadchanim who recommended somebody whom your sons felt was way off target. Do not be ashamed to ask them why they thought to make the suggestions they did. The answer may be that they are just pushing through shidduchim without giving it too much thought, or there may be another reason that you don’t know about. I am not overlooking the comment you made about not being a rich family. If you live in an affluent community and your sons are deliberately being introduced to women who are not for them for whatever reason, then you must urge them to date in other communities.
I will conclude by giving you chizuk based on what I have witnessed has happened with other singles. Your sons will eventually meet their bashert, quite possibly in a setting they have never yet considered.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.
