Question
I played by the rules and did what everyone wanted me to do: top shiur in high school, yeshiva in Israel, learning and online college, etc. Then I got a great job and I was quickly promoted. I am tall and good-looking, but I could never find any normal girl who wanted to date me more than once or twice, except the ones I wasn’t attracted to.
These frum girls played enough games with me, and I told my parents that if I am still single by the time I hit 30, they should expect me to start dating girls who are not frum. I need a normal girl, and if I can’t find normal and frum, I am going for the normal, even if she eats treif.
Guess what? I found her and I want to marry her! My parents were not happy about it at first. They met her a few times, and since she is smart, she figured out that even though they are nice to her face, they have a problem with her. I told her that they are hung up about her not being religious. So, she started going to Chabad, which was all nice and good, even though I am not Lubavitch. She took their classes and started getting invited to the rebbetzin’s house a lot.
Now here is where it gets crazy. Her rebbetzin told her that I am not good enough for her, because I am not frum enough and that I’m turning her off from being a good Jewish girl. That’s not true. All I told her was that when she goes to her rebbetzin I hate that she has to wear such old-lady type of dresses. Now you see why I have issues with frum people? I swear that if this doesn’t work out, next time I am going to date a shiksah. I told my parents, and they read your column all the time, so they asked me find out what your take is on all this.
I want it to work out with this girl I’m dating, but I am also scared that she is turning into a fanatic. She also has these ideas that children should not watch TV. And here is the best part, her rebbetzin convinced her that a dating relationship should not be more than a few times of dating. Meanwhile, she had boyfriends that she dated for years! That’s not what we agreed on before she started to change.
Response
Whether or not it’s a threat you intend to make good on, the concept of ever marrying a non-Jewish woman should never be an option. I am telling you this for your own good. There is zero chance for happiness when a Jewish person marries somebody non-Jewish to make a point. You say that you had problems dating frum young ladies, though you consider yourself a good catch. Regrettably, you are in the company of many other such young men and women. Finding a compatible shidduch is challenging, and that challenge is even more difficult for singles who are considered above average in their achievements.
What makes you think that a non-Jewish person is a better option for a relationship leading to marriage? Sure, you might meet somebody who is polished and says all the right things to get a Jewish husband, but at the end of the day, as others in such situations lament, during a fight, the Jew hatred comes to surface.
You are now dating a Jewish woman who was not frum when you initially met her. Although you deliberately went out of your way to find someone who is not observant, you probably do not even realize how much you inspired her. I believe that being in a relationship with you, and appreciating the family you come from, inspired her to learn about Yiddishkeit.
She knew you were frum when you first started going out with her, and it did not turn her off. In getting to know you, and no doubt in her eagerness to make you and your family accepting of her, learning how to be frum became a way of life for her. The problem is that things went a bit haywire, and now, unfortunately, her mentor does not approve of you.
This should be viewed as a miraculous turn of events, because when a frum man dates a non-frum woman, the prohibitions that come with many issues pertaining to living a frum life—including Shabbos, kashrus, and taharas ha’mishpachah—in most cases will create conflict in the future as a married couple. Consequently, the couple eventually breaks up, or sometimes, sadly, the frum partner in the relationship gives up on Yiddishkeit. The turning point in your relationship is atypical yet inspirational. Not only did you remain together, but she made sure to learn the halachos to become a frum wife and future mother. The problem is that she moved more to the right than you are comfortable with, and even worse, now her rebbetzin does not think that you are frum enough or good enough for her.
I am not in agreement about speeding things up toward an engagement. If you had both started at the same point and changed spiritually at the same pace, then, yes, from a halachic perspective, moving the relationship along quickly would be appropriate. The way things stand at present, you both have much work to do in terms of reaching an amicable agreement about how you will live your lives together.
I gather that you have been frum your entire life and followed a specific lifestyle. From a place of disappointment with the way things were going in your dating life, you assumed that you would stand a better chance dating a non-religious woman. Then this woman started learning more about Yiddishkeit and has become more machmir on issues such as dress style and having a TV in the home. This is not unusual among ba’alei teshuvah who become close to a rabbi or rebbetzin such as the one whose ways she is following.
I believe that the two of you could ultimately work it out. My concern is that her rebbetzin has thrown a monkey wrench into your relationship. I am sure she means well, because she perceives this young lady as spiritually advancing to heights that she feels you will not meet. Did she ever meet you in person? If she hasn’t, then it is wrong of her to discourage this relationship from continuing, or to disparage you to the extent that the young lady will feel inclined to break up with you.
I have seen enough such cases to say that those who are responsible for the fracture of a would-be marriage before speaking and getting to know the parties involved will have much to answer to the One Above. The only thing I could say to be dan l’kaf z’chus is perhaps this young lady you are dating got so close with this rebbetzin that she confided in her on matters not previously shared with anyone else. Maybe this rebbetzin is discouraging the relationship to maintain the young lady’s confidentiality as well as to safeguard you. Either way, you are not being treated with the fairness and respect you deserve.
If you still feel compatible with the woman you are dating, you need to have a long talk with her and see where she is holding emotionally with regard to your relationship. I need to share with you that there are dating relationships where one of the partners started off non-frum, then went completely overboard with frumkeit in comparison to the other partner. In some circumstances they were unable to reconcile their differences and had no choice but to end it. If you really care about this woman, do whatever it takes to save this relationship.
When you talk to her, pay close attention to every nuance of her words. In your case, all the changes have occurred during the dating stage of your relationship. The question is if you can live with that. Can you live with the person she has now become, which has become her model for married life?
Will there be any conflict with regard to hair covering? I ask that question because you already stated that you don’t like the way she dresses when she visits the home of her rebbetzin. Will she always dress that way, and will it become a contentious matter for you? What about hechsherim? Going even further, you also need to discuss the education of your future children, iy’H, so you’re on the same page as to what schools will be hashkafically acceptable to both of you. Will you also agree about the neighborhood you will feel comfortable living in?
I have said this many times, and I will say it again. It is not uncommon for those who shift to the right of Orthodoxy to become much stricter in matters of halachah. So, while those who have been frum from birth may be satisfied when they see that there is a reliable hechsher, those who are ba’alei teshuvah won’t be satisfied in many cases.
It might be a good idea to meet with this rebbetzin, and if you are OK with it, to have your parents join that meeting as well. I get the feeling there is so much more going on that you are not privy to. As much as I like to see relationships flourish, the bigger picture is the future shalom bayis. It is best to iron out all the wrinkles beforehand. I urge both of you to not lose sight of the feelings you have for each other. Emotional connection, mutual attraction, and experiencing that ease with a significant other are not that simple to come by. I firmly believe that if both of you are willing to work at this relationship with sensitivity, it is possible for you to respect one another enough to find a middle ground. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.