By Baila Sebrow

Question:

My daughter is in shidduchim, and we’re having a problem. She’s been home from seminary for close to a year, and suggestions are coming in, baruch Hashem. But she keeps saying no to the boys she goes out with because of the way they look.

I know that boys also do that, but a girl should say no if the boy is a little shorter or she doesn’t like his nose? That I never heard of until I saw what my daughter is doing. Girls today are happy to get a boy to say yes to them.

Trust me, the shadchanim are not sending her such ugly boys. Many of them are nice looking. OK, so maybe a few were heavy, or their faces weren’t so attractive, and they were even bald. But in those cases, my husband and I agreed with her, and we actually discussed with her about how bad the boy looked.

But for the most part, they were not that bad. And the way things are, I am scared that my daughter won’t get married. I see what’s going on. Girls are saying yes to boys who are so not for them. Beautiful girls are marrying not-so-good looking boys, and smart, hardworking girls are marrying boys who have no ambition.

The truth is that girls today are superior to the boys. A lot of boys don’t think they have to go out of their way to look good on a date like a girl does. And that’s a shame. In general, boys don’t have to do much. They get away with not working or even learning. They mamash do nothing with their time. Meanwhile, the girls have to not only be beautiful, but also smart, and have jobs that pay a lot of money. And if the parents of the girl are rich, that’s even better. But the boys could come from poor families and it’s OK.

The whole system stinks.

Response:

Let’s start with the way your daughter is being validated by you and your husband when she dates a guy you both agree is not attractive enough for her. The purpose of validating your daughter is to acknowledge her feelings of disappointment or hurt, rather than dismiss them. It also means respecting how she feels. It does not mean that you are now placed in the position of judging the boy or conveying the message that girls are in any way superior.

When your daughter returns home from a date and expresses her lack of attraction for him, telling her that you understand how she feels is OK. Verbally dissecting her date’s appearance is a dangerous practice that many parents are wrong for doing. The message you are conveying by doing so is that outward appearance is the most vital point of a human being.

Whether it involves a male or female, you must know that beauty is almost always in the eyes of the beholder. Discussing everything that you agree is wrong with the way the guy looks can only decrease the chance that she might have otherwise agreed to go out with him again.

There are many married people who will admit that, initially, they may not have been attracted to their spouse after the first date. However, after going out a few more times, they recognized other beautiful qualities in that person that allowed them to develop the relationship.

Perhaps it is coming from frustration, but your letter is a bit contradictory. On one hand, you say that the boys your daughter is being suggested to are mostly good-looking, and it is she who finds fault with height or facial features. And yet, towards the end, you are blaming the system for being more forgiving in the way males present on dates, as well as in what society expects of them with regard to occupation or lack thereof.

While it is true that a young man is typically expected to study for a profession, work, or learn, I have to agree with you that amongst a small group of people in particular circles, it is perfectly acceptable for the boy to do absolutely nothing (without any exaggeration) — not learning, studying, or working. His résumé might state that he is taking some courses here and there, or thinking about doing that. The shadchan will tell you that he is very smart and will probably be able to get into whatever field he chooses because he has a “plan,” but the reality is that he might be hanging around for most of the day.

Yes, such a guy is specifically seeking rich in-laws to pay his way while he finds himself, or perhaps expects them to offer him an easy, prestigious job in a company. For the girl or parents who have no problem with such a shidduch, it usually goes relatively smoothly.

Regarding how men of all ages show up on dates, and how they are regarded, it’s sometimes a societal thing if his date presents in an equivalent way. A guy may arrive at a girl’s doorstep in simple slacks and a shirt, and no one has a problem with that. But if the girl on the date with that same guy wears a simple skirt and blouse, without noticeable makeup or coiffed hair, then it she who sometimes gets dissected negatively. In my shadchanus, I often hear those complaints the morning after a date. The mother or the guy himself will criticize the way his date dressed or that she wore very little makeup or none at all — even though he put in very little effort himself.

You find fault with the shidduch system and openly proclaim that it “stinks.” I agree that some areas can use some freshening up. But many of the problems and challenges that singles, young and older, are experiencing cannot be solved by society. Society does not dictate what an individual person will find attractive or what has the potential to be a turn-off.

When you say that beautiful girls are marrying guys who are not so good-looking, do you realize how bad that sounds? Other than your anonymous letter to me, I hope you do not share your beliefs with other shadchanim or people in your community.

Regarding the girls who marry those guys, how do you know that they don’t consider their husbands to be the most handsome men on earth? Not everyone has the same tastes as you, your husband, or your daughter.

Your daughter is quite young. Having recently returned from seminary, it is possible she may not be too sure about the type of man that is compatible with her for marriage. That is not uncommon amongst young frum girls. And so, when she meets a guy, her focus is on the initial impression he makes. That would commonly be his appearance. From what you are saying, if there is something about his physical appearance that she does not like, she will right away decline him without looking into the possibility that his other qualities may outshine everything else.

You are fortunate she is receiving suggestions for dates. However, if she continues to decline as often as it appears she is doing, she risks that the suggestions will start coming fewer and farther in between. Not only does she risk that shadchanim will feel that their work is going nowhere, but guys speak amongst themselves. You do not want your daughter to develop a reputation for rejecting every guy she goes out with on a date.

My advice is that you and your husband should sit down with your daughter to ascertain if she really wants to get married. Encourage her to be honest with you, and explain that you will be OK with whatever answer she gives you. Please do not be surprised or angry if she tells you that she would rather wait. Oftentimes, young girls do not want to date for marriage but do so because that is what is expected of them. When such a girl feels that her parents support her decision to wait a while, it becomes a relief to her. So hear what she says, and respect her decision.

If it turns out that she wants to get married, then this is where your work will be cut out for you and your husband in helping her in a proactive and productive way.

Ask her to do some soul-searching to determine where she feels most comfortable hashkafah-wise. Not based on her high school, seminary, or friends, but where she alone is most at ease in her surroundings. From there, you can discuss with her the type of guy she really wants to date and the kind of husband she would be most happy sharing her life with.

Another important facet to this situation is that people change their views. I often find that young girls have a certain idea of what they are looking for in a guy, and if they remain single for a few years, their search changes to an altogether different type. That is because as people grow and mature, so do their perceptions about people. That said, whatever discussion you have with your daughter now will need to be repeated every few months.

Please be cognizant of the following advice. Although attraction to the person someone is dating might feel essential, in the long run of life it is not of the greatest significance. I caution you to discourage your daughter from focusing too much on a man’s look.

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.

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