Question
I’m a newly divorced single mom, and I live in a mainly frum community; my entire block is frum. When I was married, my ex and I used to host people for Shabbos all the time. We hosted all kinds of people who were alone. After our divorce, I couldn’t do it anymore.
I thought for sure that my little girls and I would be invited for Friday-night meals so we could at least hear Kiddush. But nobody invites us. When I mentioned it to a few people, all of a sudden I got some invitations, but it was very clear that they had us over because it was an obligation. We felt like nebachs.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you. After my divorce I planned to take a long time for myself and focus on raising my children before entering the dating world. But the loneliness is just too much to bear. So, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should I start dating because I’m lonely or wait it out and stay lonely? Should I move? What do you tell singles to do in such a situation? I want to mention that everyone tells me that I should make Kiddush for my girls as it doesn’t have to be a man making it, and also that I should get married so it looks like we are a normal family.
Response
I must first address your comment that “my entire block is frum.” “Frum” connotes an ehrlich person who is a yarei Shamayim and observes mitzvos both bein adam laMakom and bein adam l’chaveiro. It should not be assumed that a person is frum just because of his or her style of dressing. Ehrliche Yidden are rachmanim bnei rachmanim. When you come across people who dress a particular way but their actions do not represent who they are trying to portray, know not to presume. Based on what you have shared, the people on your block only appear to be frum.
Now let’s try to get you out of that stuck feeling of being between a rock and a hard place. Though you are forlorn about your present circumstances, you can have the best of both worlds in terms of improving what seems impossible. You can get rid of the loneliness you experience on Shabbos, and not feel pressured to date until you are emotionally ready for it.
The issue you presented, where single women (and also men) are alone on Friday nights, is common in many (so-called) frum communities. For the married readers who are shocked to hear about such a thing, I hope it will open their eyes or at least reduce their tunnel vision to pay attention to everyone around them, and perhaps give heart to those living in lonely predicaments and realize that all they need to do is demonstrate a bit of kindness. It is an ordinary expectation for humans to be kind.
To be fair, there are families who never host anyone for Shabbos meals due to whatever personal reason or situation in their lives. And nobody should harbor any sort of resentment toward them, nor does anyone have the right to judge them. However, there are married couples who regularly host guests for Shabbos and yom tov yet choose not to invite the single men or women living close by. They invite those with whom they feel a kinship. So, week after week, yom tov after yom tov, singles (and their children) sit home as you do.
There are even folks who naively assume that you are not really alone, because, baruch Hashem, you have children living with you. Such people don’t understand that being alone means there is no husband and wife living under the same roof, and that Shabbos and yom tov does not feel the same. So, whether one has never been married, is divorced or widowed, with children living at home or not, a true frum person knows that it is their obligation to gladden the hearts of the afflicted.
It’s sad to read heart-wrenching letters from singles asking me why married people are so mean, what they as singles can do about it, and whether they should move to a different community. There are so many stories I am privy to about the pain singles express and their complaints about the “frum” people among whom they live. In fact, many singles have stopped being shomer Shabbos for this reason. The loneliness is too much for them to bear. There are those who have shared with me that they jump into their car and drive somewhere right in the middle of Shabbos to take away the solitude, even as they hear their neighbors singing zemiros.
I have no interest in wasting ink by trying to explain or justify why these married folks conduct themselves as they do. They are who they are. They do as they do. And you cannot change anyone. You can only change yourself. If you like where you live, don’t let anyone push you out. So no, don’t move. Stay where you live. Walk with your head held high and pay no mind to those folks. They do not want any part of your world; hence, they do not exist in your world.
You should never have to feel that you are making anyone invite you if they don’t want you as their guest. Nor should you ever feel inclined to accept an invitation that you are aware was offered begrudgingly. Stop focusing on their politics. Do not let them rent space in your head for even one second. More importantly, don’t turn yourself into anyone’s victim. Instead, be proactive!
Find out about other single people in your neighborhood who are also alone on Shabbos. Start a group chat and organize pot-luck Shabbos meals. This is being done all over the world. Yes, frum single people, whether never married, divorced, or widowed, sit home alone not just on Shabbos and yom tov. Many are also alone as they light Chanukah candles, eat the Purim seudah by themselves, and make their own Pesach Seder while they are ignored by their married neighbors surrounding them. It’s an ugly global phenomenon. Yet, in many communities throughout various countries, the singles are making Shabbos and yomim tovim beautiful among themselves. Please try it, and I assure you that the holy days that Hashem gives us will feel special to you again.
I need to draw attention to your comment about the people who advise you to make Kiddush for your daughters, or to get married so you look like a normal family. I believe they are lacking proper guidance. Sure, you are allowed to make Kiddush yourself, but that is not what you are looking to do on an ongoing basis. And when you decide to get married, it will be because you are emotionally ready for it.
Loneliness should never be the reason anyone chooses to date for marriage. Getting married is not a cure for loneliness. You get married because you feel connected to someone, and it is that connection that keeps you from feeling lonely. One can be married and unfortunately feel lonely too. Marrying when you are not ready emotionally will mean that you may choose a spouse who is not necessarily compatible with you in ways you truly need. That is a recipe for your loneliness to continue.
Years ago, women typically tried to remarry immediately after becoming single because the world was mainly made up of married people. Nowadays that is not always the case. There are people who choose to focus on their careers, interests, and their young children soon after getting divorced. Depending on the dynamics in your family, bringing in a stepfather at this juncture in your children’s lives may not be in anyone’s best interest. You are the only person who can judge when it will be the right time for you to remarry.
My suggestion to you about pot-luck Shabbos and yom tov meals with other singles is beneficial not just for the few hours that you will be eating together; you will develop camaraderie with people who have similar life stories. You can take this period in your life to swap tales with each other about painful experiences, and even find a way to laugh your way through some of the times when you used to sit and lament. When you are part of a group of people like yourself, you will gain confidence and learn better coping skills. You will learn from others who have dealt with issues that come up as a divorced woman living alone with her children.
In addition, if you can find some time during the week, pursue activities you enjoy. Depending on how old your children are, if you cannot leave them alone or get a babysitter, there are many online courses, exercise classes, and various activity clubs that people join from the comfort of their home. Try to broaden your horizon of people to include in your life.
Utilize the experiences of your past to improve your future. Whatever happened in your previous marriage and your dissatisfaction with the people who are not being nice to you can cause you to lose trust in others. You now know what type of person you don’t like and don’t want in your life. You will recognize the characteristics to avoid when you are ready to venture into the dating arena one day.
For now, you do you! If your plan was to take time for yourself and also focus on your children, then do that. However, that should not be at the expense of losing opportunities to socialize and enjoy traditional meals with people. Please do your due diligence and find out who the other singles are within reasonable walking distance to you and start that pot-luck system in your area, as so many are already doing. Be proud of who you are and that you will not settle and get married just for the sake of it.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
