By Baila Sebrow

I was talking to a guy for some time, and our conversations flowed easily on all topics. We finally met and we seemed to get along well and enjoyed each other’s company. I thought it went well, but afterward the guy never told me anything regarding what he felt about me or what his intentions are. Nevertheless, he continues to text and speak to me in a friendly manner.

I’m kind of puzzled. How do I find out his true intentions without embarrassing myself? What would be the right approach in this situation?

Response

One of the biggest challenges shadchanim face is trying to discern who is serious and marriage-minded, and who is just looking for company for a date to a restaurant or a plus-one for an event. Sometimes singles are only interested in a non-committed relationship to avoid feeling lonely and will deliberately date marriage-minded singles who have no clue that their company is being utilized as a distraction. As time goes on and it is expected that the relationship will head toward an engagement, such individuals will find a reason to back out. There are people who will go so far as to invite the person they’re dating to family simchas, though they have no intention of ever marrying him or her. Sometimes singles will discuss such relationships among themselves, and as the frum world is small, it is then revealed that a few people who dated the same person were also invited to attend family simchas!

The first piece of advice is to investigate this guy’s history. You say that you have been talking to him for “some time.” That sounds like it was not simply a few days or a week or two. How did you come to talk to him, and why did it take a considerable amount of time before you both decided to meet? That itself is problematic from the get-go.

If you were introduced through a third party, such as a shadchan, then you need to involve that person by having him or her talk to this guy. If you got to know him online through a social media site or a dating app, and your back-and-forth communications, whether by e-mail, text, or phone went well, why did he not suggest a face-to-face meeting almost immediately after you both determined some sort of compatibility? Even if this is a situation where you don’t live in the same region, it still should not take too long for two marriage-minded people to meet and determine if this is a relationship worth pursuing. From the way you are describing the circumstances, it sounds as though you treated each other like pen-pals. Since you went along with it, you made it clear that you are on board with such an arrangement.

Now that you met each other in person and discovered that you get along well and enjoy each other’s company and the flow of conversations, what is holding up the relationship from continuing on a healthy path? You are puzzled that he is content with the status quo of texting and talking back and forth. This is not a perplexing situation. I am sorry to say that for whatever reason, this guy shows no indication that he is looking to establish a relationship with you. Even if he compliments you and seems to show that he misses you when you don’t communicate, he is giving you every clue that you are just helping him pass the time.

However, I like to be fair and to give the benefit of the doubt. There could be a good reason why he is taking his sweet time. We do not know what else is going on in his life right now that he has yet to disclose to you. I agree with you that although you want to know what his intentions are, you should not embarrass yourself. That is why I am going back to what I suggested earlier: find out who this guy is, how he has conducted himself with other women in the past, and what the word is on the street (so to speak) about him. I don’t know if you’ve developed feelings for him. But if so, I am confident that if it comes out that there is a serious issue with him, you will get over him quickly. If nothing major comes back about him and you are still in the same place, where he is not making any move to get to know you better, then his actions speak for themselves. It means he will not progress past using your time to keep himself busy.

The important aspect of any experience is the lesson it teaches in terms of growth. We live in a digital world where that mode of communication has become the method for building the foundation of a relationship. Years ago, there were people who did just that by talking on the phone. Many couples in years past have created strong bonds via phone conversations, but hearing the tone in someone’s voice or background noises provided clues about the person that were easier to discern than by texting or e-mailing, which in most cases can be misinterpreted.

If things don’t work out with this guy in a way that is satisfying to you, I advise you to cut off all forms of communication with him. If you are looking for a serious relationship and he is not, continuing as you have till this point will be wasting your precious time. Do yourself a favor and view the circumstances exactly as they present.

For the future, here are some red flags that are evident early on: If a person is vague or hesitant about disclosing important information, or expresses feelings of infatuation and is overly complimentary, that tells you that you are one of many others being played at the same time. I don’t know how you come across, but if you are a vulnerable type of woman, you might want to learn ways to avoid giving that impression, particularly to people with whom you communicate online and about whom you know nothing.

Whatever people tell you their age, marital status, place of employment, where they live, etc., do not take that at face value. People lie all the time, and until you have a good enough reason to believe and trust them, being suspicious of them is your safest best. Therefore, it is always a good practice to cross-reference and authenticate anyone’s story. An online search is a good immediate start, but in the frum world there are even more opportunities available to verify or disqualify. Information such as shul membership, schools attended, and mutual acquaintances are simple enough to substantiate. Take the time to make the calls and find out as much as you can until you feel comfortable enough to allow further communication.

Be very careful with fake names and profiles. There are scammers who will use a photo that is not theirs. When you do your investigation, make sure you have ascertained that the people behind the phone or screen are exactly who they say they are by confirming that such and such person is in fact communicating with you. Even if it turns out that the person is real, it could still be that he is a player or living a double life because he will treat you like a backup. Such folks typically prefer to communicate late at night, because that is when they proclaim to be missing you badly. They are also never available at normal hours, their whereabouts are questionable, and they always give excuses that might sound believable, but if it happens often, they are probably lying. Most importantly, just as you would do your due diligence in finding out as much as you can about a guy someone wants to introduce to you, go the extra mile in a situation you have just experienced. If someone comes on too strongly, too soon, it is not a good sign. Be wary of a person who appears too good to be true. n

 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.

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