DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
Everyone has constant thoughts going through their minds. Non-stop, like a super-highway with cars zipping by. And our thoughts lead to emotions. Some of our emotions are perfectly reasonable and even helpful. Unfortunately, some are not. The thing about emotions is they usually need to be released through communication with the person who engendered them in order for them to become unfettered. If not, they can sometimes snowball into feelings that are inappropriate or even harmful.
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. Like all emotions, it can tell us something about ourselves, what we need, what our insecurities might be, and so on. However, left unchecked, jealousy can grow in severity and ultimately become toxic to any relationship.
Meet Alan and Barbara. Without wanting to sound inappropriate, Alan is a knockout, the type of man who gets noticed when he walks into a room. Barbara is also quite attractive. However, it’s possible that when the two of them walk into a room together, people’s eyes might be drawn quicker to Alan than to Barbara. Not in an inappropriate way. Just as a point of interest, and not in any way reflective of their value in any meaningful or non-meaningful ways.
He Said
I found Alan easy to engage with. He seemed very comfortable with himself and in his own skin. His background seemed to match up with his level of satisfaction. He grew up in a middle class, modern Orthodox home. Friendships, school, and finding a job all came easy to him. I would say he possessed that “it” factor that people tend to respond to well. He kept things simple and easy, and his lack of the slightest negative energy was no doubt felt across the board by those he encountered and connected with. Alan was extremely likeable and probably knew it.
With all this positivity surrounding him, I was waiting anxiously for the punch line, since it was Alan who reached out to me for an appointment for himself and Barbara. “So, Alan,” I said. “What brings you and Barbara here today?” After looking toward Barbara for a few moments and with definite hesitation, Alan finally launched into what was bothering him.
“Well,” Alan began, “during the six years we’ve been married, I feel as though Barbara’s jealousy as it relates to me is getting out of hand. When we first met, Barbara would often joke about how she felt other women were always looking at me. It was always said in jest and we would both kid about it. And honestly, at the beginning, I have to admit I was sometimes even a little flattered by the things Barbara would say and how she said them. It was a constant joke between us. But over the years, it’s gone from being something we joke about to a serious situation. To the point that I feel it’s contaminating our marriage.”
We sat quietly for a few moments, absorbing these serious accusations that Alan made. I got a sense that he hadn’t actually verbalized such stark feelings in the past to Barbara. His indictments of her were quite severe and I observed Barbara actually wincing at Alan’s words.
Alan must have also noticed Barbara’s reaction and went on to say, “The crazy thing is that I love my wife so very much. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know why she can’t accept that. I tell her all the time, and yet, she doesn’t seem able to truly believe what I’m saying and accept how much I value her.”
She Said
Barbara began her response as follows, “I resisted coming for couples therapy for a long time because I feel very embarrassed about my feelings. And yet, I’m not able to control them. The fact of the matter is that Alan is a superstar and I’m not. I knew that from the beginning. I couldn’t believe that someone so amazing and gorgeous would be interested in me. And I’ve never mentioned this to anyone before, yet even my own mother expressed her surprise (probably more like shock), that someone so incredible would be interested in me. Alan could have gone out with and married just about anyone. I have no doubt about that.”
At this point, Alan put his arm around Barbara, which was such a beautiful response. I suppose this gave Barbara some comfort and confidence to go on with describing her feelings, which somehow, I doubted she had ever shared with Alan in such brutal honesty. And so, Barbara continued, “I know that when we go places, people are probably thinking, ‘What is that handsome man doing with such a plain-looking woman?’ These thoughts are always on my mind. I can’t seem to get rid of them.”
At this point, Alan tried to jump in to reassure Barbara that he felt she was the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world. But Barbara seemed unable to take any reassurance from Alan, and continued, “My biggest fear is that one day Alan will wake up and realize that he could do so much better and drop me like a hot potato. And because I worry so much and sometimes feel like I’m just waiting for that to happen, I am sometimes difficult and nasty toward Alan, as if to punish him for what he will eventually do.” At this point, Barbara broke down sobbing.
My Thoughts
When jealousy rears its ugly head and takes on a life of its own, it takes no prisoners. The person feeling the jealousy might be unable to believe that they are secure with what they already have and ultimately loses trust and faith in themselves and their spouse. It can breed suspicion, doubt, and mistrust that turns into ugly thoughts and behaviors. For the person absorbing the jealous feelings, it is destabilizing, confusing, and can lead to a serious wedge. Not checked in time, the wedge can become permanent.
It seemed obvious that Barbara’s emotions were driven by low self-esteem and a poor self-image. If you don’t feel attractive and confident, it becomes hard to believe that your partner loves and values you.
It was crucial for Barbara and me to trace back to the source of her negative feelings toward herself. Much was revealed about her childhood, her critical mother, and being the youngest of three daughters, the older two who were quite stunning from all accounts.
After Barbara began to understand and deal with the messaging she grew up with, it was important for her to voice her concerns to Alan. Though during our first session, Barbara certainly put it out there, the two of them had to have several follow-up sessions that allowed Barbara to deeply express and release her thoughts, as crazy as some of them sounded in the moment.
Finally, Barbara and I worked together to establish coping techniques for when her insecurities began to creep in once again. We also spent time bringing gratitude into the conversation for what she already had.
Alan and Barbara’s love and commitment to establishing a healthy marriage kept them in the game until a major shift took place inside Barbara. Though she would probably always joke about Alan’s movie star good looks, she was secure enough within herself and her marriage to trust that all was good.
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
