Michelle Rubinstein, a’h, with her children
Michelle Rubinstein, a’h, with her children
Michelle Rubinstein, a’h, with her children
Michelle Rubinstein, a’h, with her children
Michelle Rubinstein, a’h, with her children

By Jacob Rubinstein

One of the eminent traditions of a yahrzeit tribute is the yahrzeit candle. The Yaavetz in Kesubos 103a points to a pasuk in Mishlei (20:27) as the source for this tradition: “Ner Hashem nishmas adam,” meaning a person’s soul is the lamp of Hashem. The Eleph HaMagen further explains the application of this pasuk to this tradition and writes that a neshamah inflates from the delight of light, since the neshamah comes from the sechel (wisdom is closely connected with light). This is the reason to light a candle on this night–because the neshamah has sanction to travel this world.

The Eleph HaMagen seems to believe that the sechel of this person is what we are supposed to remember when we see the candle. It reminds us that this soul at this moment hovers among us, more so than usual. When we remember the departed soul, we remember the kind of light they left behind, a light of Torah wisdom.

Hashem decided on the 26th of Tammuz of last year, that it was time for Michelle to leave this world. It is not a decision I understand, yet it is one I shall never question. One cannot ignore the darkness generated when a young mother of three leaves this world well before her time. Nevertheless, Michelle ensured that the light of her lessons and the intercessions of her soul up above were there to carry us through. As the yahrzeit approaches, we light the candle and hold near and dear her glow, perhaps more so than any other moment in the last 13 Hebrew months. This is a glow of love, understanding, resilience, and loving and fearing Hashem. The extent of the glimmer of this candle, on this night, is merely symbolic. A human being who spent their time here correctly, those near and far can point back and hold dear her legacy.

The beauty of a properly lit flame lies in its ability to easily light any wick without in any way diminishing itself. When you join this magnificent light with all the wicks it has ignited, a huge torch is formed surrounding that light. While human nature is to forget, when the soul is a flame that lit so many souls, there are forever reminders of the brilliance of that light. As Aristotle once said, “We live in deeds, not years.” By that notion, I think it would be specious to say Michelle only lived until 31.

Michelle spent her years here influencing so many through her boundless love. Further, her passing has granted her the opportunity to continue to inspire more posthumously. Michelle was there for those facing loss, divorce, mental illness, financial crisis, it did not matter; if you were going through it, she went through it with you. It was not a chore or a box on a checklist, she understood your pain. At times, the individuals she dealt with were involved with things that made her uncomfortable and ran divergent to her hashkafah; nevertheless, she stayed true to what she believed in so strongly.

A challenge many of us face is finding our candle. After the pasuk says ner Hashem nishmas adam, the pasuk finishes with the words chofesh kol chadrei baten, [the candle] examines the chambers of our innards. Rav Kook was known to have said that every human must know that inside him is a lit candle, his candle is not like his friend’s candle and there is no man who does not have a candle. Everyone must endeavor to understand that he must work and reveal his candle publicly and to turn his candle into a torch to light up the world.

When our three beautiful daughters and I will stare into that flame, we will remember the candle that directed us and will continue to lead us. I do not know if there is a directive which better explains Michelle’s legacy than the application of Rav Kook’s words. Michelle lived her life knowing there was a candle inside of her; the water of her tears never put out that candle. Every tear only made that flame stronger. She endeavored to remove any inhibitions to the wick of her candle.

When I was sitting shivah, a girl came who told me that she became frum through NCSY. She told me that when she attended her first event, she dressed in a fashion many would describe as immodest. When Michelle picked her up, she did not stare at her and spoke to her like a true friend, not passing any judgment. Through that interaction, she ultimately became comfortable and stuck around. Michelle never let differences of background or opinion inhibit her love; no one was too different from Michelle to experience her warmth.

Michelle’s candle was her ability to remain positive in the face of hardship and sharing that force with others. Michelle and I first met four short months after her 18-year old brother, Benjamin, had passed away. Still, her trademark smile was plastered across her face. She taught me how to see beauty where others saw catastrophe. Even in her darkest moment, she shined bright. This message is something she passed along to her children.

Our oldest, Ahuva, asked if she could write a letter about her mom for me to read at the shloshim. In the letter, Ahuva said, “I remember one time Mommy went to visit Benjamin [in the cemetery] when there was a big thunderstorm. When she was leaving, I asked mommy why she was going and she said we still have to do mitzvos even when they are hard.”

Not only is this a remarkably powerful message. The more remarkable piece is leaving behind a daughter who was barely seven at the time who had the strength and insisted on writing a letter a few short days after her mother left her. When she thought about the message she wanted to convey, she could have conveyed one of the endless things her mother did for her over seven years. However, what stood out to our Ahuvala, was doing mitzvos when it was hard.

This is the same Ahuva who together with her sister Aliza decided to make a lemonade stand to collect money in her mother’s memory just a few short weeks after she passed. Those girls also insisted on picking up a Tomchei Shabbos route and delivering every week in memory of their mom. These are girls that despite losing their whole world stayed kind and positive, have shown wisdom well beyond their evident youth. That’s because they were guided to find that candle. In Hebrew, the word ner, also has the same letters as the word nir, plowed. The goal of the candle is to clear the entire field of our body, and have the light of our soul shine through. Alternatively, one can say that the candle must shine bright even in an empty field. Girls who were taught from a young age that we do mitzvos even when they are hard, even when we lack the most basic place to hang our proverbial hat.

Michelle was certainly a ba’alas chesed but understood that chesed begins in the home. Her support of those around her never impeded her ultimate sense of responsibility to her family. She was there to listen to my happiness and rough days; she supported me through my every choice and taught me that I can be better. From the second she became pregnant, she was so dedicated to her children. She was constantly researching what was healthy for the baby at each stage of pregnancy.

Once she had kids, her whole life stopped for them. The relationship she had with our children was not only one of dedication, but she believed in having open dialogue with the kids. Our daughters were so young when she passed, but they can still recall so many powerful messages. The importance of manners, of Yiddishkeit, of sharing and of being all you can be.

Knowing that his candle is not like his friend’s candle. Michelle knew her persona was nonpareil. She understood the distinctiveness of her mission. Each person who she supported encountered wicks with the burning and powerful wick that was Michelle. Michelle knew what it meant to lighten someone’s load. Though the wax of her candle may have extinguished, the light still shines bright. Through the gloom, Michelle’s blaze is still flaring, bright as ever.

She was not the type to call attention to her kindness. In her death, much of what she stood for became public. There was much I did not fully appreciate about her until her sickness and passing. One year later, those affected by her still come out of the woodwork. Michelle’s brightness was geared by a sechel of Torah. Many of her friends (myself included) used to mock her about the amount of shailos she used to ask. In her mind, heaven forbid, she should even touch on something Hashem did not want from her. Nothing about her Yiddishkeit was flaunted, but it was real and it was contagious. The uniqueness of Michelle’s sechel was the ability to bring Hashem with her everywhere.

She would call rabbis and rebbetzins about parenting, taharas ha’mishpachah, Shabbos, and kashrus, regularly. When it came time to name our kids, it was a process she took seriously as she believed the name had a crucial impact on the kids. She had tremendous emunas chachamim. She also spent much time on the mitzvah of tzedakah, ensuring the right amounts went to the right organizations and at the right times.

There is no man who does not have a candle. I also shared at the shloshim that there was a family Michelle was helping who had an atypical situation, one not commonly seen or accepted in the frum community. Michelle spent much time with them. About a month before her diagnosis, she turned to me and said, “Am I doing the wrong thing by being so sensitive to them? People are not usually understanding of these things. What if the family comes into interaction with a larger part of the frum community, they will be shunned and not ready for it?”

Michelle’s thoughts were fair and justified. Usually no one looks for that wick buried underneath the wax. We watch our family, friends, and neighbors suffer in silence. If we find the time in our schedules to squeeze these people in, we become judgmental. Michelle’s candle lit even the most seemingly inflammable wicks. Now it’s our turn. Let’s take her torch and plant it inside of us. Be the person that talks to someone in shul that is off-putting. Stay on the phone for an extra 10 minutes with a person who is a lot of work. Let’s make more time for our families and do what we can to bring out the best in them, rather than criticizing them. When you hear a story which paints frum people badly, do not jump to conclusions, try to understand the subject of the story.

When one of us is in the news for some level of impropriety, we all talk about it. “This is so terrible” or “What a faker.” First, based on the facts presented, it sounds terrible. Surely, if we were the subject of the article, we would want the readers to find every excuse for us possible to show this is incorrect. Second, we live in a dor tahapuchos, it is a difficult generation. When we see the article about the impropriety, do we see our part in the sociopolitical piece which could have led to this? Do we want to improve? Do we want to make a difference?

Michelle never had it easy. However, she did not use this as an excuse. She endeavored to squeeze the most out of her time here. I hear so many of her lessons repeated by our girls and I am blown away by what an impact she had in such a short period of time. More than anything else, she taught our girls how to light a candle in the darkest room, even without a match. She taught our girls that when you give love, you are the receiver.

For me and our wonderful girls, it has been one year since our torch left this world. I do not know if I have ever encountered anyone who knew how to better find their candle, than my dear Michelle. Unfortunately, she left us too young to have become the torch whose light could have shone from one end of the world to the other. Nevertheless, we are here and with all of us lighting her candles together, her dream of unity of Klal Yisrael is within reach.

Though Michelle left us young, she was fortunate to leave behind the three most special girls in the world. These little candles have extracted the little time they had together and they continue to shine, perpetuating her memory.

One of Michelle’s finest middos was her overwhelming sense of hakaras ha’tov. There is no way I can talk about our little girls without mentioning my family. Since Michelle’s diagnosis on May 18, my brothers-in-law, sisters, and parents have stood by us and made sure there was not a need of mine or of our children that went unmet. The smiles and the success would not have been possible without their love and superhuman commitment. Our girls have also gained so much from their connection with Michelle’s mother and her sister Estee’s family.

Michelle, we love you, we miss you, and we will never forget you. When I hold our girls close and we courageously light this candle together, we will not be able to help but to shed many tears. It is impossible to explain to little girls that mommy is not coming home and that at every stage of life they will have to be brave and face the world without her. Yet what they have inside of them is the flickering light of that candle she planted in them. The candle of what their mother stood for and taught them. The light that shines is one that can shine even without a match, even when that field is plowed.

Michelle, I do not know if we can ever match your strength. But we all merited by being so close to it. We hope that your lesson of generosity through adversity is one that we will embrace throughout this tough journey. We hope to never stop loving. We hope that, like you, we will do our best to never question unfathomable tragedy. More than anything we hope to make you proud. We know that you are up there rooting for us and we will do whatever we can to never let you down. We will try to carry ourselves with the same level of class that you did. More than anything, we will hold that light dear, even if sometimes it feels like we are completely out of wax. Thanks for all that you gave us–we will never forget you.

Last, my dear friend, Mordechai Mendlowitz will be racing in honor of Michelle. If you would like to donate to his campaign, please visit www.bike4chai.com/mmendlowitz. If you have any questions in regard to the organization VaTe’ehav Michal, or about any of the upcoming siyumim please e-mail me at JacobRubinsteinEsq@gmail.com. v

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