By Esther Mann

 

Dear Esther,

I knew pretty early on that my marriage was a big mistake. I don’t think Nate and I were ever happy. Despite that, we stayed together, had a family, and continued in our miserable lives.

My children are grown and out of the house. I work, and I probably could support myself if I had to. Lately, a few members of my family and my best friend have questioned me as to why I am still staying with Nate. Even my oldest daughter has brought up the subject of divorce.

Nate has never shied away from embarrassing me in public, so it’s no secret to anyone that he is mean-spirited and uncaring about my feelings. People who know us well see that Nate cares little about making me happy, often not showing up to events that are important to me. He can’t be counted on to help me out when I need it. Basically, Nate is a selfish man, self-involved and not too concerned about what others expect from him or think of him.

So when I’ve been questioned, point-blank, why I stay with Nate at this point in my life, I have difficulty coming up with a good answer. But I have been thinking a great deal about it. We live under the same roof, but we are basically like two ships passing in the night, both doing our own thing and trying to stay out of each other’s way.

I realize what the real answer is and I’m almost embarrassed to admit this to anyone but myself. The reason I don’t walk away is because I’m afraid to be alone. I went from my parents’ home to my married home and have never been on my own. With the children out of the house, the thought of walking into an empty home in the evening, or going to sleep with no one else in my house, frightens me and I can’t even imagine such a thing. The thought of always showing up everywhere as a single also upsets me. Somehow, even though I often show up alone to weddings or other affairs that Nate doesn’t want to go to, the fact that there is a husband at home somehow makes it feel more natural.

Intellectually, I realize that this is probably not a good reason to stay married to a mean man who doesn’t love me, and, frankly, whom I don’t love either. And yet, I’m having a hard time picturing myself living the alternative life that divorce would represent. I’m stuck! Sometimes, I pray that Nate would just leave me so that I wouldn’t have to make it happen. But he is so self-involved that he probably doesn’t realize how horrible our life is together. He’s content with his routine that doesn’t involve me at all. Maybe he doesn’t need more, doesn’t need to feel love or give love. But I feel such a hole in my heart that is getting harder and harder to live with.

So how does one learn how to be alone? I realize that some people are just more social by nature and need to be around people more than others do. I have a cousin who never married and always seems to me to be perfectly happy on her own. That thought terrifies me, and yet I know I need to move on. I’m in my fifties and hopefully still have a lot of life ahead of me, and I desperately don’t want the rest of my life to feel the way the past 30 years have felt.

How do I build myself up, find the determination and strength to get divorced, and live a life that is free of his insults and dismissive attitude?

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

I’m hearing that you’ve been miserable in your marriage from the get-go. Your letter is not an exploration of whether your marriage can be salvaged through some sort of intervention; rather, it’s a declaration that you’ve made up your mind that you will never be happy with Nate but lack the courage to leave him and be alone.

Though you seem quite clear about your thoughts on Nate and his inability to provide you with a loving, respectful marriage, it is incumbent upon me to make sure you’ve explored every possibility toward a different outcome so that you don’t wind up having any regrets. Once you are quite convinced that your situation is hopeless, you need to know that there is life after divorce, and one never knows what wonderful possibilities may await.

I believe that words are powerful. Not only the words we put out there into the universe, but also the words we use with ourselves as we create our own narrative and actively convince ourselves that our mantras are the truth. It seems you have a powerful and paralyzing mantra that states: “I’m afraid to be alone.” You seem unable to debunk or even challenge these words.

In that vein, let’s look at the word “alone,” which permeates your question and which you believe is the issue that is holding you hostage within your marriage. What does it mean to you to be alone or, to flip this around, to “not be alone?” Does it simply mean to you that there is a warm body living under the same roof as you? Someone who breathes, eats, and takes up space? Does the presence of such an individual, despite the lack of any meaningful connection, constitute “not being alone?”

You may be surprised to learn that living with such an individual, whom you have little or nothing to do with, can feel infinitely lonelier than being in a space without another individual around. If you and Nate rarely speak to one another, and there is certainly no nurturing, laughing, meaningful dialogue, or thoughtful gestures between the two of you, how different is that from having a large stuffed animal displayed on your couch? Frankly, it’s probably a lot worse as stuffed animals don’t insult, intimidate, or dismiss.

So how does one get past fear of loneliness? You begin by shoring up your emotional needs now by locating and investing in like-minded individuals, support groups, hobbies, and interests that bring you together with other people on a regular basis. Good friends and even just acquaintances can fill our hearts with love and the satisfaction that we are needed and appreciated.

This is also a good time for you to start exploring what it would be like to spend some time alone and to appreciate that, like so many other challenges, it’s doable and something you can get used to. Would you consider planning an overnight somewhere, just by yourself, and tasting the highs and lows of being without another person in your room? Would you consider booking a 24-hour visit to a spa, or some other place that you’d enjoy, so that you have lots of great stuff to look forward to but will also be forced to go it alone? You may feel some discomfort at the newness of it all, but you may also suddenly discover that there is something wonderful about the energy you find surrounding you that is pure and lacking in any negative vibes, which you most likely experience at home now. It’s important for you to take the plunge and realize that you’ll survive. You can do 24 hours … and you can do 24 days, months, etc.

Growth never comes from staying in the same place. Growth requires movement, and usually the movement is uncomfortable and occasionally even painful. If there is no unpleasantness, you are probably not growing. Therefore, if you want the next 30 years of your life to be satisfying and possibly even fabulous, you must be prepared for some uneasiness today.

For now, embrace the notion that you never have to “feel” alone. Friends and family are usually just a phone call away, and if you’ve established close attachments to those you love, “lonely” is just a six-letter word that doesn’t have to make you feel like a prisoner.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.

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