DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
There are a number of themes that can create serious wedges between a couple. An obvious one, which I don’t think I’ve explored in this column, is in regard to money. How we spend money, how we respect money, and our general attitude toward money.
For some people money is simply a means to an end. It allows them to survive, to buy the things they need to live comfortably and give tzedakah, hopefully with enough left over so they can live independently in their old age. These people are generally not extravagant; they are happy with just having enough.
On the other hand, there are people who seem to love money in and of itself. There is sometimes a miserly quality to such people. It’s all about seeing the dollar signs increasing, whether or not they put it to any good use. And usually, they deprive themselves and their family members of basic needs because their love of money is so great it overshadows their loved ones’ needs and desires. Sometimes they get out of paying their fair share in a group setting, feeling no shame despite appearing blatantly stingy.
As with everything else, if a husband and wife are on the same page regarding money, they’ve hit the jackpot. No arguments there. But if they discover, soon after marriage, that they are on completely different pages in this regard, it could be the source of constant friction and conflict, which can generate some extreme emotions.
Sometimes, while dating, the clues are loud and clear. And should one happen to discover how different they are from their partner in this regard, they may quickly put the kibosh on the relationship and exit stage left, sparing themselves future hardship. But as is often the case, young couples generally don’t date for a long time and it’s easy for money issues to be overlooked. Sometimes there might be nagging suspicions, but nothing concrete enough to set off any alarm bells.
Shaya and Miriam dated for two months before getting engaged. They dated during the springtime, when walks on the boardwalk, strolls in the park, and free local concerts were nothing to be suspicious of. The fact that Shaya brought bottled water from home at the time seemed thoughtful to Miriam. Little did she know….
HE SAID
Shaya is a 26-year-old man who recently began working in his family’s business. He is the eldest of six children and definitely has the “first born” serious nature about him. Before I could ask any question, he asked me a question. He wanted to know how many sessions it would take to resolve their problem. “After all,” he stated. “Therapy is not cheap and I need to know what to expect before I agree to pay unlimited amounts of money for therapy.”
Shaya is not the first client to want to get a sense of what they were getting into with therapy. Yes, it takes time and money and commitment, but the focus of his question was loud and clear: What will this cost me? Since this is not an exact science, I could not give him a specific answer, but tried to comfort him with the knowledge that my intention is never to drag it out any longer than necessary and maybe he would feel more comfortable if he could relax into the process and take satisfaction in knowing that he was investing in himself and his marriage, an investment that will hopefully pay dividends in the future. I wasn’t sure he was getting my message.
We talked about his upbringing and the environment he grew up in. Though it was clear that his father and grandfather before him created a substantial and successful business, they did not believe in living with excess. Though there were certain places where they felt money could be spent, such as living in beautiful homes and investing in art, everything else was carefully accounted for. Though his clothing was of good quality, he never owned more than four pairs of pants at one time and four white shirts. There was a minimalistic approach to living across the board. Shaya was indoctrinated into this way of thinking about the trappings of materialism, despite having so much less than his friends, though he did remember being the butt of jokes at school occasionally.
As Shaya started to open up about his childhood, perhaps for the first time, he recalled missing out on class trips and other “unnecessary” frivolous adventures. Certainly not because his parents couldn’t afford to pay for them, but because it was a “waste of money.”
When I asked Shaya how, as an adult, he felt about his childhood, he answered in a very stoic way that his parents did what they believed was correct. It was too early in our relationship to drill down into what that was all about, but I sensed that as Shaya was stating his narrative, he was hopefully starting to feel a bit of an itch. Maybe there was more to this story?
“Would you say that the messages you got in your childhood could be responsible for the reason why you and Miriam are sitting in my office today?” I asked. “Absolutely,” he replied. “Miriam doesn’t understand money. She doesn’t respect it. She thinks it’s something that can be thrown around, as if it doesn’t matter. I have a big problem with that. It has been the biggest issue in our marriage so far that has caused so much friction and fighting between us. We need to figure this thing out.”
SHE SAID
Twenty-four-year-old Miriam was having a hard time hiding her anger. As Shaya was answering my questions, I could see how agitated she was getting, listening to him talk as though he was a programmed robot without any emotion. I wondered whether he was always so self-controlled, or only when he was talking about money.
As Miriam talked about her childhood, it sounded rather typical. Nothing out of the ordinary. She recalled hearing about Shaya for the first time. “Shaya came with excellent references. We were told that his family were wonderful people, and that Shaya was always well regarded in the yeshivas he attended. We were also told that he came from a very successful family. I’m here to be totally honest and I assume you won’t be judging me. But was not looking to marry a poor boy. Obviously, that wasn’t my number one priority. Middos came first, of course. But I grew up in a relatively comfortable family. We aren’t rich by any stretch of the imagination. But my parents never deprived me or my siblings of what we wanted, within normal limits. If I got a new dress, it wasn’t because I necessarily needed a new dress. Again, I don’t think I was spoiled or all that different from most of my friends. But my parents both worked hard and we enjoyed the fruits of their labor. I know for a fact that they are very charitable people and are kind and generous to others. When they entertain, my mother sets a beautiful and abundant table. She truly wants everyone to have a great time. If they make a simcha, they want it beautiful because they truly enjoy seeing their guests having a special time. They work hard so it can enhance the quality of all our lives and even the lives of people around them.
“When I started dating Shaya, we were all impressed with how dignified and refined he came across. He was also smart and fun to be around. But I do remember my mother mentioning the fact that she thought it was a bit strange that he never took me out to dinner. In fact, when we talked about all our dates, she noted that he spent next to nothing on me. I adore my mother, but I thought she was sounding a little petty. I was falling in love with Shaya and wasn’t thinking about the money. I enjoyed his company, admired his maturity and middos, and felt very fortunate that he was falling in love with me as well.
“When our parents planned our wedding, I do recall my mother being surprised at Shaya’s parents holding back from contributing more to the Simcha. But my parents were thrilled with the shidduch and went all out. It was a beautiful Simcha!
“Once we got married, I couldn’t believe that Shaya was putting me on a tight budget. Even for basics like food. He was constantly turning the lights off in our apartment and getting annoyed if I appeared to be wasting anything. I was in shock! I mean, if we were poor, I would understand. But I knew we were not. And I just didn’t get it. What’s the point of working hard and earning a great living if you’re not going to enjoy it to some degree? Again, I don’t think I’m being frivolous, and I’m the first person to want to give tzedakah, but what’s wrong with serving three main dishes at a Yom Tov meal? What’s wrong with wanting to buy something new and beautiful to wear to shul? Shaya just doesn’t get it and I know that I don’t get him!
“The straw the finally broke the camel’s back was when a group of our friends got together to host a kiddush in honor of someone. Each couple was asked to chip in a certain amount. It sounded like a great idea and I was so excited. When I heard Shaya on the phone refusing to participate, I was so humiliated, I didn’t even want to go to shul for several weeks. I wouldn’t be surprised if Shaya has more money than all of the young men put together, but he had no problem and no shame saying ‘No.’ I realized then that he has a serious problem, and I don’t want to keep living like this. And that’s why we’re here today. Something’s got to give.”
MY THOUGHTS
Clearly, Shaya was a product of his upbringing. And it seemed to be based on some inter-generational value system. I can understand and respect the fact that it’s hard to break the mold. Particularly when you are a compliant child who is not wired to question anything. Had Shaya married a woman with similar values, the system would have remained unchallenged. But given the fact that they hadn’t dated for very long, neither of them had the chance to learn about the other’s tolerance for spending money and the role money would play in their marriage.
The good news was that in the other areas of their marriage, Shaya and Miriam were in sync. They truly enjoyed each other’s company, interests, and intellect. But money issues can be quite invasive, burrowing into daily life, celebratory times, and plans for the future. The question was whether change was incumbent on Miriam, Shaya, or both.
Miriam was open to hearing about minor ways in which she could be more respectful toward money. But it seemed the heavy lifting fell on Shaya’s shoulders. Apparently, Shaya never really took any time to contemplate what money represents, in addition to the obvious. What was really the point in all this self-imposed deprivation? Was money a means to an end or an end in itself? Could Shaya learn how to lighten up and enjoy the notion of generosity toward himself, his family, and friends simply for the joy of giving and nothing more?
These were difficult concepts for Shaya to process and he had a great deal of initial resistance since his ideas toward money had never heretofore been challenged. But his love for Miriam and his desire to have a happy marriage inspired him to engage in a bit of self-reflection and deeper analysis.
Shaya will never be that guy with ten suits hanging in his closet and eight pairs of shoes, despite the fact that he could well afford it. However, he did eventually learn to see money through a different lens and lighten up a bit so it was no longer a source of tension between the two, but rather a tool that allowed them both to live with comfort, ease, and so much joy. n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
