Realigning Perspectives

By Malkie Gordon Hirsch Magence

When I was a little girl, and (regularly) misbehaved, my mother would say something that has recently started popping back into my head, 35+ years later. I’d pout or cry or be in a general bad mood and she’d say, “If you want a reason to cry, I’ll give you a reason to cry.”

I’ll hand it to her, now that I’m a mother and I understand what kids are capable of, I must commend her for the arsenal of fabulous one liners that both instilled the fear of G-d within me but at the same time, I’d silently applaud her creativity even while dealing with six little children who tried ensuring she lost a little bit more of her sanity day by day. She always had good material.

Of course, those scary but creative comments usually backfired, but it also did provide even little me a unique perspective on things.

I’d question myself asking if there was a reason I carried on the way I did. Probably not, but kids are kids, and I took my job making her crazy very seriously.

Her frustration and anger would cause a ripple effect and instead of providing me with a feeling of satisfaction at what I had accomplished, I usually would plead and beg for her to forgive me once I realized how upset she was with my antics.

On a larger scale, when I think about what G-d deals with on the daily with running this world and the intricacies of all that, I wonder why anyone would want a job like that.

We keep kvetching about pointless things, hating on each other, and then He steps in and asks us if we want a reason to cry, and then sometimes gives us a reason to. Then we backtrack and reflect on what we’ve done, plead and beg for forgiveness and He always forgives until we do it once again.

It’s pettiness, competitiveness, gossip, and jealousy that puts us in danger. He gives us a good shake, a reminder that this time we have here is a gift, and we could all stand to be a little more gracious and grateful. A bit better to one another and content in what we have.

I thought about her comment lately as we’ve spent a lot of time with a family member who is suffering through an illness. Although you might think that I’m a pro at dealing with something like this, that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

In fact, I find myself so grateful at the feeling of shock I still get when I hear of news like this. The truth is, I’m relieved that I still feel the way I did before the loss we lived through. I’m happy that I’m not completely numb or desensitized but I’m also devastated for the ones who have to deal with matters that they never saw coming.

I’m sad for what it does to the younger members of the family, temporarily robbing them of a childhood they weren’t finished with. They can get back to that muscle memory of what it should be like to be a kid, but there’s a newly added heaviness, a new unfortunate knowledge that sometimes things like this happen to the people you love, and you then need to figure out how to navigate these feelings.

I get very emotional when I see the family members grappling with this new reality and wonder for fleeting moments at night if they can get back to the week they were supposed to be having instead of this new alternate life they want no part of.

I suppose it’s extra painful for me because we lived it. All the racing thoughts, the questioning on why these things happen to good people and pockets of time spent with your mind racing doesn’t do anyone any favors.

But at the same time, people come together like never before when someone they love needs them. They step up, forget about the stuff they were supposed to do and no longer will, and become laser focused on the task of helping the ones that need it most.

I do marvel at the human spirit as I spend a lot of time sitting around, being told that this is what it looks like to be supportive.

Showing up, holding hands, praying on their behalf, and just letting them know that you’re there for whatever they might need. There’s something about going through hard times that highlights how good things have been. What you might have thought was going through the motions of living life and raising a family is now the stuff you yearn for once it takes a backseat.

That’s the tough part about learning life lessons this way. You have to learn on the job and figure out a way to balance the person you remember being with the person you now currently are.

You have to understand that you won’t get the reasons you might demand as to why this stuff happens, but you do get to choose to remain positive and hopeful despite it all.

When the people who see your struggles band around you and do what G-d has always wanted us to do for others, it’s a reminder that miracles happen daily, and that we can hope and pray that in our personal struggles, He can change the fate of things as quickly as they’re brought on.

After reading this, if you can please have Daniel Tzvi ben Fayga Toiba in mind for a speedy and complete refuah, we’d appreciate it. May we and our loved ones know no more illness or difficulties and may we have the zechut to experience the time of Moshiach in our days, amen. n

Malkie Gordon Hirsch is a native of the Five Towns community, a mom of 5, a writer, and a social media influencer.