Question
My name appears on many shidduch résumés as a reference, and some of the people complain to me that they lose out on a shidduch because I fail to call the people back who are researching them. I read your columns, and I’m aware that people complain that their reference doesn’t call them back. The reason why I don’t return the call is because I’m busy, but also because I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to say nice things about a person or their family when I know it’s not true, and revealing the truth could hurt the shidduch. I don’t want to hurt someone’s chances of getting married by revealing negative details about them. I’m sure you’ve dealt with this kind of problem before, so what advice can you give me? The other question I have is how much information should singles reveal about themselves?
Response
In the first place, unless you are a person of authority, such as a rebbetzin of a shul, a principal, or a teacher, no one should be adding you as a reference without your permission. In other words, if you are a private person, then your phone number should not be included on someone’s résumé where it will be publicly displayed. Shidduch résumés are rarely confidential to begin with, and they can surely float around social media like WhatsApp, so if you don’t want to act as a reference for a person, then you have the right to ask them politely to remove your name. No one should ever put someone’s name on their shidduch résumé without clearing it with them first. If you are concerned that they will get insulted, you can tell them you’re busy or whatever you have going on in life. The benefit of asking to be taken off a reference list is that you are saving yourself the trouble of having people get upset with you for not returning their calls.
If you have a certain standing in the community where you must act as a reference, then there will be times when you end up in a sticky situation. Each case is different and there is no broad-spectrum answer to what you can report about someone. I will caution you to never lie on someone’s behalf. What I typically do in cases like this, where if I reveal too much, I will likely kill the shidduch, I respond to each question with short answers without being too descriptive, and I’m cognizant to not allow the conversation to exceed more than a few minutes.
When someone asks me why a person got divorced, I typically respond that since that information is private, I have no way of knowing every detail that led to the divorce. I tell them I can only share the information that the person provided me. When someone asks how old a person is, what they do for a living, etc., my response is the same as when I redt a shidduch. I tell them what they told me. In that way, I’m not misleading or hurting anyone since I made it clear that I’m telling them what the other person told me.
The yoke of disclosing honest, accurate information falls on the single person who wants to get married. No one should ever blame the shadchan or the person they called for information if they find out the truth is different from what they were told. Yes, there are people who will lie on behalf of somebody, and that is dreadfully unfair to the unsuspecting person who simply wants honest information. Moreover, lying in that context falls into the forbidden category of Lifnei Iver, misleading someone by placing a “stumbling block” in front of a blind person.
On that topic, in the case where you have knowledge that a person is dangerous, you can share your experience if asked. But this is only in the case where you have personal knowledge on the matter. You cannot repeat hearsay, which is something you heard from a third party, because it could be a total lie or fabrication. What can potentially turn tragic is if you deliberately misrepresent the individual as a “nice person” when in fact they are dangerous. Then you are in violation of the prohibition “Do not stand by the blood of your neighbor.” I need to strongly point out that you must reach out to a rav for proper halachic guidance when giving shidduch information about a person who may have questionable morals.
Though you do not specify, it sounds to me like you deal with singles in some sort of capacity, so here is what I advise you to tell them. There are cases where a single man or woman may have previously led their life in a way that might be too colorful for the comfort of anyone contemplating a dating relationship with such an individual, but you know that they have repented their ways and are looking for another chance in life. While everyone deserves the chance to improve his or her life, they also have the obligation to be as honest as possible with the person they are dating. You need to advise them to be brutally honest, lest the relationship eventually backfire. Within that framework, the one contemplating a dating relationship with such an individual is responsible to do their own homework, leaving no stone unturned.
An example I will cite is a case where a person was married more than once. What oftentimes happens is they don’t disclose this on their résumé. For some people, that would be a make-or-break deal on the shidduch. So, they must do their due diligence. I had a situation where a young man had been married and divorced three times, but he never disclosed that to me. When I interviewed him, he only told me that he was divorced. Being that he was so young, it did not even occur to me to ask him how many times. The truth came out after I introduced him to a young lady that he dated a few times. I was shocked and hurt that this young man had deliberately withheld such important information, and he literally made me out to look like a liar to this young lady.
When I confronted him about it, he replied, “The second one didn’t count because it was very brief.” I have also heard of cases where some singles don’t disclose a marriage and divorce because it was not a civil marriage, or whatever else they came up with in order to seem eligible for the type of shidduch they wanted. When assisting those in the shidduch parshah who are considering dating a person who is divorced, encourage them to ask the following questions: How many times were you legally married? How many times were you halachically married? How many times did you give or receive a get? Who was the officiating rabbi, and which beis din? Please note that I am not discouraging anyone from dating a person who has been married more than once; I am only saying that their date has the right to know that information from the outset. Things can get tricky with a health issue. A person who is going through a health challenge, whether physical or mental, is better off disclosing it to the person they are dating as soon as possible. While it’s not necessary to reveal it on the first date, since most first dates are usually “one and done,” it’s best to disclose it before emotions get in the way and there is a possibility that someone could get hurt. People who call references to find out about the health of a single man or woman are making a huge mistake. They cannot possibly be privy to that kind of health information. Never give your opinion on whether you think a shidduch is a good idea if you are asked. Also, don’t ask the person to describe themselves for the purposes of answering their questions. Just tell them to ask you specific questions and you will try to answer them truthfully. Remember, the input you give them helps them to make the crucial decision about a potential life partner. And anyone who can do this with a kind and happy heart deserves tremendous hakaras hatov. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
