Question
I was raised in a non-Shomer Shabbat but strictly Shomer Kashrut Sephardi home, but I became more religious after studying at a yeshiva in Israel for three years after college. Every year, when my family and extended relatives gather in my parents’ home for the Rosh Hashanah meals, everyone belittles me for being single. This year, my 29th birthday coincides with erev Rosh Hashanah. Of the dozens of girls in our community suggested to me by my aunts in the last several years, only two of were tznuot and wanting a “Sephardi Black Hat” guy like myself, but they were all busy (and now married, Baruch Hashem).
Last week, my mother cried when I informed her that I rejected my sister’s best friend from public school due to her lack of religiosity. And this is despite the fact that this girl frequently drives to and from my parents’ Friday night Shabbat meals and has her phone out in plain view when my father makes Kiddush. My mother, aunts, and cousins speculate that I could try to make her become more religious just by getting her to like me on a personal level. I refuse to do Kfiyah Charedit (Chareidi coercion) on non-frum people.
When I communicate to my rebbeim from yeshiva, as well as to the rabbi and rebbetzin from my family’s synagogue, they instructed me to call four shadchanim they know and warned me that they were “very hard to reach because of thousands of singles calling them at once.” (My sister’s best friend is the niece of the Rebbetzin; she was able to convince my mother and aunts not to set me up with her.) They then asked me to pray to Hashem to find me the right one at the right time. So far, I have left detailed messages for these shadchanim twice over the last six months, but they never got back to me.
In contrast to Ashkenazim, who have the luxury of having separate synagogues for people of different categories of religiosity, Sephardic and Mizrachi communities have their Charedi yeshiva-educated and Chiloni families attending the same synagogues. The older ladies of the community who engage in matchmaking with their Old Country methodologies are confused as to how to properly navigate dealing with American-born singles. What should I do?
Response
One of the biggest challenges I have in shadchanus is when I am asked to match a Sephardi single with an Ashkenazi person and vice versa. Although I am an Ashkenazi lady, I have received a wealth of information concerning the customs in each cultural group within the Sephardi communities. I totally understand and respect everyone’s minhagim, whether they are Ashkenazi or Sephardi or Mizrachi. Some customs have been lost over the years, while many have remained unchanged. Embracing rituals and customs are not only socially important for those who live in their respective communities, they are also an integral part of one’s identity. Healthy human beings have an inherent need to belong. The way we belong and are accepted in our community is by following the accepted customs and practices, which often means that we subscribe to the rituals and cultural behaviors that are endorsed.
You belong to a Sephardic community where, according to what you convey, there are not a large number of black hat types and many of the young ladies do not dress in the manner you deem to be tzniut. Not only that, but in some Sephardic communities, there are people who drive on Shabbos and use their cellphones, yet still regard themselves as religious Jews. It sounds like those are the customs of your family too, or they are very much accepting of people who practice their religion that way.
I don’t know what type of yeshiva you learned in, but from what I gather, not only did you choose to become more religious, you learned to adopt and hold by different customs than the community in which you were raised. One of my favorite quotes is that you can never change anyone else, only yourself. You will not change the customs and perspectives of your community, nor of your family members. The matchmakers in your community might practice “Old Country” methods, but those methods probably still work for their clientele. I’m sorry to say that your disappointment with how shidduchim are handled in your community with regard to different levels of religious observance will not change anything. I’m not saying this to chas v’shalom upset you, but for you to recognize that you clearly need to look for a shidduch outside of your own daled amos. I frequently offer the same advice to singles who are in similar circumstances.
As I mentioned, I assist Sephardim who are looking for a Sephardi shidduch as well as those who are open to dating Ashkenazim. What I am hearing from your letter is based on your discontent within your own community, and praise of Ashkenazi customs, perhaps it might be shayach for you to date an Ashkenazi young lady who is open to dating a Sephardi young man. You should bear in mind that she will have to be somebody who is willing to take on the minhagim that are unique to your background. Such marriages take place quite often, but they are not always so simple to come by either. Moreover, within the black hat communities, not everyone is broad-minded when it comes to a shidduch for their own children. In Ashkenazi right-wing circles, the parents have a huge say on the type of shidduch they believe is appropriate for their family. Not everyone is open to dating someone from such a different background. Those are the facts that you will have to accept. What I am trying to bring out to you is that you will likely face many rejections when you date outside your circles.
When it comes to a shidduch that is the only time that one cannot be blamed for what appears to be narrow-mindedness or even prejudice. Marriage is the joining of two people and their families as one unit. That is why most people make a big deal about hashkafah. One of the very first questions I am asked when I make a shidduch suggestion is “What is his or her hashkafah?” Then they want to know about the family the person comes from. It certainly does not stop there. The questions are sometimes extreme-sounding and can shock the most seasoned matchmaker. To a secular person, these types of questions might seem bizarre, but I think you know what I’m saying is accurate in the way I am depicting the shidduch scene. The bottom line is that frum people want to marry someone that is most like them. That is not to say that you will not be successful. As long as you are open-minded, that will increase your chances of success.
You mentioned that you don’t want to do “Kfiyah Charedit” (Chareidi coercion) on non-frum people. Therefore, it would not be appropriate to date a young lady who is not close to your hashkafic values. Have you considered a baalat teshuvah? Ba’alei teshuvah have already reached the hashkafic level that they are comfortable with, and some that have a strong interest in growing more to the right. You will find that they exist among both Sephardic and Ashkenazic groups. The benefit is that you will in most cases deal directly with the young lady and not have to worry so much about parental influence when it comes to her choosing a spouse.
Where do you go looking for such a prospective match? While you can still keep your options of finding a young lady within your hashkafic circles, reach out to matchmakers that are Ashkenazi and Sephardi and inform them that you are broadening your horizons in regard to seeking a wife. You would be surprised to discover that even the matchmakers that you have been dealing with thus far may be pleased to hear that. I am certain that they come across such young ladies who find it equally challenging to meet somebody. Singles events are another option where you will find many different types of cultures that are frum. Additionally, singles who attend such events are typically more open-minded about the type of person they will agree to date. Whether a shidduch is suggested to you via the assistance of a matchmaker or an event, please do not discount a young lady at first glance. Just as you want somebody to give you a chance, please do that for others too. You will benefit yourself greatly. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
