DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
It is more than likely that somewhere in all of our lives there is perhaps a martyr, someone who is sacrificing himself on our behalf. It could be a parent, a friend, a co-worker, or for the purposes of this column, a spouse. This is an individual of any gender who makes sure you know that they are foregoing their own needs and wants for the good of everyone else.
This person always seems to be suffering in one way or another. Because while they are in the process of sacrificing themselves or going out of their way to help others, it’s not coming from a purely altruistic place, but from a place of obligation and guilt, which does not create a joyful experience for everyone involved.
Very often, these individuals grew up with a parent who displayed similar behavior so it became learned behavior. Often, it comes from a place of poor self-esteem and a need for attention and validation. They have a need to feel valuable, and can subsequently be seen and heard.
Though these individuals usually make it impossible for others to do things for them, they convey an overt message that states loud and clear: “No one ever helps me. I don’t get what others get. No one appreciates me…no one helps me!”
Living with such a person can be crazy-making. No matter how hard you try to change the dynamic, it often feels as though it’s impossible to budge the narrative. No matter what you offer, this individual is committed to their suffering because, after all, he or she is doing it all for you despite the fact that you don’t want them to work so hard for you, let alone suffer on your behalf.
Sound familiar?
He Said
Joe is a thirty-six-year-old attorney who is quick to tell me that he thinks he “married his mother” but on steroids. When I asked him to elaborate on his observations, he explained as follows “I am one of four boys. Looking back, I can see we were a handful. We were all typical boys growing up in a busy home with lots going on. When I picture my childhood, I see my father looking crisp in his suit as he is heading off to work, holding his briefcase, while my mother would be standing over the sink or with a broom in her hand and the four of us kids doing what kids do: laughing, roughhousing, and heading off to have a great day. We all had our roles and I think we were all happy. Though my mother often looked tired, she also seemed to enjoy enabling us all to live our best lives. I don’t remember her ever making me or my brothers feel guilty that she worked so hard. Maybe I should have been more compassionate for how hard she worked, but I don’t think she would have liked that. She wanted everyone to do what they were meant to do, including herself. So yes, she always worked hard on behalf of her family, but never acted as though she resented it. That would be the ‘steroids’ part.
“I also remember that our home was filled with lots of love and laughter. It didn’t feel as though our mother was ‘sacrificing’ for all of us. Whatever she did, she did with a joyful heart, strictly out of love and nothing more. On the other hand, sadly, my wife Sheila, who also does a great deal to keep the family functioning properly, does a great job, but with a sense of resentment, even anger at times, as though someone is forcing her to sacrifice her well-being for the sake of her family. That couldn’t be further from what I want for her. And yet, that’s the feeling I can’t help but get. And I’m sure if you asked our children what they felt coming from their mother, I would suspect you would get a similar answer.
“To be honest, when we first got married, I was accustomed to seeing a wife/mother take on most of the household duties. That’s what I saw at home. But when I saw how unhappy and resentful Sheila was becoming, that’s when I started becoming more aware of my role at home.
“I remember being invited out for a Shabbos lunch and seeing the other husbands helping with serving and clearing off the table. I was amazed, but also thought it was really nice and decided that I would start doing the same, which led me to think about other areas in which I could try to take an initiative to become more helpful and more of a partner to Sheila in the care of our home and family. But Sheila quickly put the kibosh on my helping. She told me I wasn’t doing it right, that I was making a bigger mess than I was trying to fix. That I was making more work for her. No matter how hard I tried to help, Sheila found a way to put an end to it. It seems to me like Sheila actually goes out of her way to find situations that are likely to cause her distress and suffering.
“I started noticing that Sheila would do things for other people, like her mother and sisters, and then complain that she didn’t feel appreciated. So, you would think that if she didn’t feel appreciated, Sheila would stop helping everyone so much. Unfortunately, Sheila just continues to help everyone and then complain with bitterness afterwards that no one appreciates her. It makes no sense to me.
“But I’m not here to try and figure out how Sheila should behave toward her mother and sisters. I just want our relationship to be normal. I don’t want to be made consistently to feel guilty. I often look at Sheila’s tired, forlorn face and feel helpless about what to do. Thank G-d we can afford help around the house, but of course no one can do anything as well as Sheila can, so it doesn’t help. Tell me, where do we go from here? I’m not such a terrible guy that I should constantly walk around feeling like I’m the enemy. I want Sheila to be happy and stop acting like a martyr.”
She Said
Sheila, in fact, does look “tired and forlorn.” She has the look of someone who had been forced to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. Obviously, that’s how she feels, but the question is, who is making her feel that way?
When I began a discussion with Sheila about her childhood, I learned that she was one of eight children and that her mother always worked very hard. Though all the children had many chores at home and her father tried to help out as much as possible, her mother definitely appeared to be a “martyr.” When I questioned her whether or not it was expected of her mother to martyr herself, Sheila answered with a question: “Aren’t all women supposed to be martyrs?” “Not necessarily,” I replied. “A martyr is usually a person who is dissatisfied with their lives who blame others for their predicament. It’s actually often a choice.”
I then asked Sheila why she didn’t take advantage of Joe’s offers to help her out around the house. Sheila replied, “I don’t believe anything will get done properly or on time if I don’t just do it myself.” “That may be true,” I responded, “but have you ever considered the fact that it might be worth it?” No response. I guess she never considered that possibility.
I felt there was a lot to explore with Sheila and suggested that she come in alone so I could get a better handle on where all of her need for self-sacrificing was coming from, let alone traces of blame I was sensing she felt toward others.
During our first individual session together, I sat back while Sheila spent a great deal of time complaining about her burdens (despite refusing to accept the help that would lesson them). I noticed a pattern: Sheila seemed comfortable talking about bad things that had happened to her during her life, and I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not she might be possibly exaggerating some of these events.
I finally jumped in and asked the obvious question: “Do you feel your relationship with Joe is unequal?” “For sure,” she responded. “And do you feel that he has not shown gratitude for everything that you do?” Sheila responded, “I think you’re starting to get it.”
Finally, I asked, “Do you feel that you’ve communicated clearly and directly with Joe so the two of you can work together to find a solution? Or has it been easier to react in a passive-aggressive way, though not intentionally, of course. Silence. Finally, she replied, “Well, maybe…”
My Thoughts
Over the years, Sheila had definitely developed a general attitude of dissatisfaction that came from feelings of being stuck, frustrated, and burnt out. Through the years, Joe had tried to initiate change between them, but after his efforts were rejected time and again, he eventually stopped asking how he could help.
The situation required that we go back to the drawing board and recreate a balanced relationship in which Sheila allowed Joe to take more initiative around the house and with the children, even if he wasn’t doing everything exactly the way Sheila would have done it. Sheila needed to learn how to relax into this shift and connect to her husband with true gratitude.
Sheila and I continued to do individual work together in order for her to explore and understand where her old patterns came from in the first place and lovingly open up her mind and her heart to accepting new patterns while getting comfortable with her new identity. The role of the long-suffering martyr was no longer a proper fit for her, and she and Joe were eventually able to happily bid it goodbye! n
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W., is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.
