By Tamara Gestetner
Divorce is a journey that is filled with pain, anguish, and uncertainty. When it stretches out over months or years, it can become a life-altering experience, especially for children. While parents often focus on legal and financial matters, the real casualties of a prolonged divorce are the children, who are left to navigate a landscape of emotional turmoil on their own. The trauma inflicted during these drawn-out battles can scar children deeply, leaving wounds that may never fully heal. These scars shape how they view themselves, their relationships, and the world around them, often carrying the burden of their parents’ conflict into their own adult lives. It is for these reasons that mediation, a process centered on cooperation and resolution, should stand out as a crucial alternative to the adversarial nature of courtroom divorces.
Children are remarkably perceptive, often absorbing the emotional air around them even when they don’t fully understand the reasons behind it. During a prolonged divorce, children are not merely bystanders; they are active participants in the emotional turmoil, often internalizing the conflict in ways that profoundly affect their development. The environment of prolonged parental conflict creates a breeding ground for trauma, which can present itself as chronic anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues.
While speaking to many of my clients with children, they describe the most immediate and common side effects of a prolonged divorce on children as a sense of deep-seated anxiety. Living in an environment where the two most important people in their lives are at constant odds creates a sense of unease and a lack of safety in their home, which should be a place of security. This anxiety can be manifested in physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches to more subtle signs like difficulty sleeping and concentrating. The constant stress of living in a divided home can overwhelm a child’s ability to cope, leading to long-term mental health challenges such as generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and even PTSD.
For younger children, this anxiety may stem from a fear of abandonment. They might worry that if one parent can leave, the other might too, leaving them alone and unprotected. Older children and teenagers might struggle with feelings of responsibility, believing that if they had behaved better or done something differently, their parents might have stayed together. These feelings of guilt can be deeply damaging, leading to self-esteem issues and a pervasive sense of inadequacy that hounds them into adulthood.
Children express their trauma in different ways, and for some, the emotional turmoil of a prolonged divorce leads to behavioral problems. These children might act out in school and become defiant at home, or withdraw completely from social interactions. Such behaviors are often a cry for help, a way for children to express their confusion, anger, and sadness that they cannot articulate. Teachers and peers may be the first to notice these changes as the child who was once outgoing and engaged becomes distant or disruptive.
In more severe cases, children might turn to substance abuse or risky behaviors as a way to numb the pain or escape from the reality of their home life. The longer the divorce drags on, the more entrenched these behaviors can become, leading to a cycle of self-destruction that is difficult to break. Without intervention, these patterns can continue into adulthood, leading to issues with authority, relationships, and even the law.
The trauma of a prolonged divorce doesn’t just affect children emotionally; it can also hinder their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships. Children who grow up witnessing their parents’ constant conflict may struggle with trust issues, making it difficult for them to open up to others or believe in the stability of their relationships. They might even become overly dependent on their friendships and spouses, often being scared that if they don’t cling tightly, they will lose them. Some children may become emotionally distant, unable to fully commit to relationships because they fear the pain they experienced when their parents divorced.
These struggles often carry over into adulthood, where they can have trouble forming intimate relationships. They fear repeating their parents’ mistakes, making them hesitant to commit to long-term relationships, which can lead to a pattern of short-lived, unstable partnerships. Trust issues that developed from years of watching their parents’ mistrusting each other can make it difficult for them to believe in the sincerity of others, leading to a life of emotional isolation. The impact of a prolonged divorce can shape their view of love, making it seem more like a battlefield than a source of comfort and support.
The trauma inflicted by a prolonged divorce often casts a long shadow over the child’s entire life. The effects are not just emotional and psychological, they also impact their social development, academic performance, and future relationships. These children are more likely to experience difficulties in school as the stress of their home life makes it harder to concentrate or care about their studies. Their feelings of isolation due to their unique experience make it harder for them to fit in with their peers. When they cannot focus on their studies, their poor academic performance can limit their future career prospects, trapping them in a cycle of underachievement and low self-esteem.
Given the lasting trauma that a prolonged divorce can inflict on children, mediation stands out as a crucial alternative. Mediation offers a more compassionate, child-centered approach that prioritizes the emotional well-being of the children involved. Unlike the adversarial nature of courtroom battles, which can drag on for months or even years, mediation encourages cooperation and communication, helping parents reach a resolution more quickly and with less conflict.
One of the most significant benefits of mediation is its ability to reduce the level of conflict between parents. By focusing on finding mutually agreeable solutions rather than assigning blame or “winning” the divorce, mediation helps to create a more stable and peaceful environment for the children. This stability is crucial for their emotional well-being since it provides them with a sense of security and continuity, even as their family dynamic changes.
Mediation also allows parents to craft a parenting plan that is tailored to the unique needs of their family. This flexibility helps to ensure that the arrangement works for both parents and children, reducing the likelihood of future conflicts and court battles. When parents are able to co-parent effectively, children benefit from the continued presence of both parents in their lives, which is essential for their emotional and psychological development.
Mediation also sets a positive example for children, showing them that even in difficult times, conflicts can be resolved with respect and understanding. This lesson is invaluable since it teaches children that it is possible to overcome challenges without resorting to hostility or bitterness. By choosing mediation, parents can demonstrate to their children the importance of communication, compromise, and cooperation, skills that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Mediation is not just a legal process; it’s an emotional and psychological investment in the future of the children involved.
The trauma inflicted on children during a prolonged divorce is profound, with effects that can last a lifetime. From chronic anxiety and behavioral issues to deep-seated trust and relationship problems, the emotional scars of a drawn-out divorce can shape who they become as adults. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Mediation offers a compassionate, child-centered approach that minimizes conflict and trauma, giving children the best chance to emerge from their parents’ divorce with their sense of security and well-being intact. By choosing mediation, parents can help ensure that their children’s future is not defined by the pain of the past, but by the love and support that will carry them forward. n
Tamara Gestetner is a professional mediator who specializes in divorce, and a psychotherapist located in Cedarhurst. Tamara works with couples in need of mediation as well as couples in need of counseling. Tamara can be reached at tamaragestetner@gmail.com or 646-239-5686.
