Question
I’m a 34-year-old divorced guy with two kids and I’m dating a girl who’s never been married. We are crazy about each other, but she hates my kids. She has never said anything, but I can tell by the way she looks at them. She’s always annoyed when they are around. I’m not saying they’re perfect little angels, but they are very sweet. My daughter is eight years old and my son is five. I don’t know what to do. Recently, they stopped wanting to come over and hang out. My parents told me to break up with her and have my peace with my kids. My friends tell me that maybe in time they will all come to like each other. I’m a Kohen and can’t marry a divorcee, so even if I drop her, the same thing could happen again with another girl who was never married. What do you think I should do?
Response
This is a very common issue with second marriages where children are involved. And it doesn’t matter how old the children might be. I have seen even situations where the children were much older but still disliked by the significant other. The problem is so much worse when children as young as yours are in the picture. From a common-sense perspective, when two people (who have never been married before) are considering marriage, their major concern is whether or not they like each other enough to be able to live happily ever after.
Most authorities would agree that even if a family member does not like the significant other in the relationship, it’s too bad. She is his and he is hers and nothing else matters. When one or both parties are divorced and have children, there is so much more involved. It’s no longer just the couple; it means that everyone else needs to be on board with the relationship and to make sure that everyone gets along with one another. You are no longer just two people in love. You cannot ignore anyone who has issues with the joining of these two people. And that’s why such relationships are difficult to maintain, not just to get to the wedding, but also to maintain shalom bayis all around.
In second marriages, you cannot guarantee that all children from the previous marriage will like your spouse, or that your spouse will like them. Oftentimes there are clashes in personalities for no rhyme or reason. Your children are surely sweethearts, and your girlfriend might even be a good person, but the chemistry could just be bad.
That does not necessarily mean that a relationship of blended families cannot work. It is very important to be cognizant that a blended family can have challenges, some of which are easily recognizable from the early stages, as in your case, and for others, they show up after the wedding. Rationally speaking, how can anyone expect that every child from either side will be on board with having a new stepparent in their life? Going beyond that, it’s not reasonable to anticipate that the new stepparent will instantly fall head over heels in love with their new stepchild either. People must be realistic and ready to face those facts. It takes time to bond together as a family.
Look at it this way. When a woman is pregnant, she spends many months with a growing human life inside of her. The bond between mother and child typically happens before birth and increases after birth and while raising the child. Not only has the young lady you are dating not given birth to your children, she has also never had children of her own. And here she is walking into an established family situation. It could very well be that she disliked them, or perhaps she is unsure of the role she will have to play in their lives, and what appears to be animosity is really insecurity. I will say that in a large percentage of blended families, the connection between stepparent and child grows so strong over time that it can almost be like the relationship of a biological parent.
My question is how do your children perceive your girlfriend’s behavior towards them? Is the animosity you speak of something that is almost palpable or is it your children’s perspective? How do they feel about another woman taking on the role of their mother when they spend time with you? It’s an interesting phenomenon that there are circumstances when children anticipate that the new person in their parent’s life is not good, and since feelings that people have for one another can often be mirrored, your girlfriend might in fact be acting cold in reaction to how she is treated by them. It could be that your children feel as if they are betraying their mother when they are kind to your girlfriend, so perhaps they are inadvertently giving off negative vibes which she perceives. Or maybe, in turn, they feel she hates them. There is an old fantasy that many kids from divorced homes have about their parents getting back together. Please understand that I am trying to cover all the bases for a healthy resolution to this matter.
Except in rare circumstances, children do not want their parents to get divorced. Even when they see how unhappy their parents are together, they usually do not want their stable home life broken. Even in the cases where their parents have an amicable relationship after the divorce, for the children it may not be so. It is natural and normal to feel sad when they see their divorced parent with a new potential partner.
I am going to throw in something else, since I want to cover all the bases. You began your letter by stating that your girlfriend hates your children, and I need to focus on that for their safety. Other than the fact that you are both crazy about each other, what else is she all about? Dating a man who has children means that not only does he have to show them love, but the woman must also give of herself emotionally to them. I get the idea that at this point she has done nothing of the sort.
It is a statistical fact that a great number of second-time marriages end in divorce because one parent had an issue with their stepchild or stepchildren. They are very happy to marry their spouse, but they don’t always appreciate that they come with a blessed package. These situations can happen the other way around too.
Though they are perfectly aware going into the relationship that they will be dating a person with children, as they become more involved as a family unit, sometimes the person that has never been married before might decide that they didn’t mean to sign up for all the emotional responsibilities, and they will not always be their spouse’s top priority.
What I have seen in these situations is that the behavior towards the child is sometimes subtle. On the outside, it appears as if the stepparent is devoted and caring, but life at home tells a completely different story. From mean facial expressions to the children, or reactions of intolerance at the slightest misconduct that is normal and typical in a young child, such stepparents do not always behave kindly.
The natural parent feels helpless; they are not sure where they should show their loyalty: to the spouse or to the children? My concern is such that, should you end up marrying your girlfriend, your children are at risk of always being second fiddle to you. You may not want to accept the possibility that it might be the adult who is behaving irrationally. Consequently, things can get worse to the extent where there will be more hostility on all sides. Eventually, it will likely take a toll on your marriage.
Things are not all gloom and doom. Right now, you have a strong vantage point. In most cases, people find out by surprise that the person they married does not like their children. You see it with your own eyes already. Unless things change drastically, I can’t think of any reason why you should not listen to your parents. I agree with them.
Here is my recommendation. Speak to your children privately and ask them what they think of the young lady and how they would feel if you married her. If it turns out that the hatred is mutual, but there is no logical reason for it, then if this relationship means so much to you, you might want to consider family therapy to help you navigate better. I understand that being a young, divorced father that is also a Kohen places extra blockades to finding someone to share your life, and your happiness is without a doubt an important factor. Yet, your primary obligation is to your children. More important is that if she is not a good person deep down, she might one day turn on you too. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
