By Rabbi Yitzie Ross

Question:

I’ve read with interest your parenting column, and I greatly enjoy it. Your advice is spot-on, but there is one point I would like to add. There are many single parents, like me, and we get frustrated at times. In many of the situations you write about, there is a spouse as backup. What happens when you don’t have that luxury? It could be that one’s spouse has passed away, or a couple is divorced, or, as in my case, the spouse is never home (my husband is an accountant). How would that affect parenting in general?

M.R.
Brooklyn

Answer:

Thank you for your kind words. I know several accountants, and completely understand that they are not home many evenings. However, to call yourself a “single parent” in this scenario seems wrong. I’ve received a few emails from single parents, and I can assure you that it’s a completely different situation.

Your spouse is making a living, he’s there for you in an emergency, and is a shoulder to lean on. Additionally, your child knows that you are part of a team and not in it alone. Yes, there are times when your husband is not around, but it’s comparing apples to oranges.

Being alone when dealing with children is certainly a game-changer. You have no break, no one to vent to; everything just seems so much more challenging. In order to respond properly to your question, I’m going to break this answer into two parts. The first part will discuss dealing with children when you’re alone. The second part will deal with being an actual single parent.

When dealing with children on your own, the trick is being prepared with a good plan. If you’re getting them to school in the morning, make sure you’re ready to go as they wake up. It makes everything so much easier if you are prepared in advance, such as having their lunches and snacks ready. If you’re running supper alone, try and have everything ready before they get home, and even set the table. This will enable you to give your children a friendly and warm welcome while focusing on them, rather than on what else needs to be made for supper.

Another important part of the preparation is the mental aspect. I have found that it’s a good idea to psych yourself up before the day begins. Look into a mirror and say, “I am going to be a great mom today! Nothing will faze me!” Granted, if your kids walk in they might think you’re crazy, but it actually helps. Furthermore, if there is a particularly difficult activity or event scheduled for that day, try imagining what different kinds of scenarios might occur, and how you might deal with them. This way, when the difficulty should arise (which it almost always does!), you will have a prepared response, and not lash out with something you might later regret.

When you’re an actual single parent, it can feel like you’re on a never-ending rollercoaster — every day can be a struggle and you might think you’re alone.

You are not. There are so many organizations that would love to help; you just need to be willing to accept it. There are high-school kids who will mentor your children free of charge, and places that will help with afterschool activities.

I have spoken with many single parents, and they all felt that spending some alone time is the best way to recharge their batteries. As one father told me, “I tried to be a martyr, but I realized that I was doing my children a disservice. They need a healthy parent.” Although it is beyond the scope of this response to list organizations that can lend assistance, a great way to start is to get in touch with your rav and let him know you need help.

If you have older children, it might be harder on them than you realize. I would recommend giving them some one-on-one time, and letting them know how grateful you are that they are picking up the slack. Recognition goes a long way.

If your spouse has passed away, make sure that you bring him or her up in positive ways. An example would be, “Tatty is looking down on you with such a smile! You’re such an amazing ben Torah!” You want to avoid anything negative. I once heard a single mother say to her daughter, “You think Daddy would approve of that dress?” That will never work. We’re trying to convey to them that you’re still working together.

As your kids get older, they might inquire as to where your spouse is. You should never ignore such questions, and if you’re not equipped to answer, call Chai Lifeline.

If you’re divorced, you need to be careful. You never want to say anything negative about your ex. There is no “off switch” once you introduce negativity.

If your ex is saying not-nice things about you, you can tell your child, “I can’t say anything bad about your father/mother. All I can tell you is that we both love you very much.” I can assure you that the parent who speaks badly about his or her ex will be the one to ultimately suffer a poor relationship with the child.

I would like to make one more point that many single parents should think about, although to be fair, it applies to all parents. As humans, we make mistakes. It could be we’re frustrated, upset about something else, or even in a bad mood. Whatever the reason, we all make mistakes every day. Yelling at our kids, punishing them severely for no good reason, or even hitting them out of anger.

Kids are resilient. All you need to do is apologize to them. Sit your child down and say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you before. I was having a bad day and I took it out on you.” There’s no shame in it, and it might actually teach your child how to apologize. Furthermore, be sure to tell each child at least once a day how much you love them. I know this seems obvious to some parents; however, this unfortunately does not come naturally to all. If children know, hear, and feel that you love them, they will certainly be more forgiving and understanding.

Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly emails and read the comments, visit YidParenting.com.

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