By Rabbi Yitzie Ross

Setting the Bar

Question:

I’m not sure how many other people have this issue, but I feel like the bar mitzvah season has been getting out of control. When my older children were at this stage, the latest they would get home was at 10:15 p.m., and that was on a motzei Shabbos. Nowadays, there are parties ending past 11:00 on school nights. My son refuses to come home before it’s over since he doesn’t want to miss the games. Is it me, or is this becoming an issue?

A Concerned Mother
Woodmere

Answer:

I would also be concerned if my son came back from a bar mitzvah after 11:00 on a school night. I thought most schools had rules in place to ensure this didn’t happen. I think the cutoff time should be 10:00 p.m. — meaning the boys must leave the bar mitzvah at that time. This cutoff time should come as a directive from the school since, as you pointed out, it’s hard for parents to enforce.

While we’re on the topic of bar mitzvah issues, there are a number of factors parents should consider when planning a party.

Start time. Kids like to be on time. I know there are people who like to come fashionably late, but for the kids it’s loads of fun and they don’t want to miss any-thing. Therefore, if possible, you shouldn’t start the party immediately after school. Maybe give them some time to get home and change.

Motivators. Although they can get pricey, motivators do a lot more than dance with the kids. They keep them quiet during the speeches, get them involved in all aspects of the party, and make sure they are behaving.

There are many people who say that motivators are unnecessary. That depends on the class, the community, and a few other variables.

Speeches. I mentioned last week that I wasn’t a big fan of speeches. I can assure you that the boys at a bar mitzvah are certainly not excited about speeches. Even with cellphones readily accessible, they still despise speeches. They want to dance. They want to have fun. Try to keep the speeches to a minimum.

Hakaras  ha’tov.  Boys should be  taught/reminded to go over to the bar mitzvah boy’s parents to say mazal tov and thank you.

Davening. The whole point of the celebration is that your son is now a man. What better way to celebrate than by having him be the chazzan for Ma’ariv? Unfortunately, there are many parties the boys attend at which Ma’ariv isn’t on the schedule. Men make small minyanim at times, but the boys aren’t always aware of them. Please put davening on the schedule.

Leftovers. Many caterers have their favorite nonprofits where they can drop off the leftovers. If not, please call your local yeshiva or charitable organization and they will most likely be happy to pick up anything for the bachurim or needy families. It’s a win-win.

Music. There are really three choices when it comes to music. You can use a DJ —they mix together songs from CDs (or MP3s) and usually have lights or strobes. It’s not live music, but it’s fun (and usually loud).

There are one-man bands that are incredibly dynamic and can sound like an orchestra. They can also bring a singer, and it lends itself to more leibidig dancing.

Lastly, there are full bands. The most expensive choice, but you get what you pay for. Kids love to watch a complete ensemble.

End Time. As I wrote at the beginning of the article, this should be set in stone. I know things tend to run late, but it’s unfair to the boys to keep them up till all hours. If they have school the next day, it’s really a burden on the boys, their parents, and even their rebbeim and teachers.

A bar mitzvah is certainly a special occasion, and it’s important to celebrate this milestone. But let’s make sure it’s a celebration that everyone can enjoy in the most appropriate and proper way.

Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly e-mails and read the comments, visit YidParenting.com.

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