DISCLAIMER: The following column is a composite of several different experiences I have had with clients. It does not depict a specific encounter. This story is not about you!
There is much to be said regarding the notion of “expectations.” It’s good to have realistic expectations, emphasis on the word realistic. Appropriate expectations are useful when it comes to making good choices. Plus, without expectations, it’s hard to learn from experience. Your brain is always on the lookout for surprises, but when everything goes as expected, you have no reason to challenge your beliefs.
To “expect” is to consider something probable, feasible, reasonable, and plausible. Sometimes, however, people with high expectations lack empathy, since they are more focused on what they want rather than what others are able to provide.
Again, on a more positive note, expectations can help guide behavior, goals, and create a framework for understanding relationships and interactions. However, the downside to expectations is when we set them unduly high, which is sometimes related to other issues, such as perfectionism, low self-esteem, and sometimes even negative core beliefs.
When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of frustration, disappointment, stress, anger, discouragement, anxiety, resentment, and a sense of failure. Furthermore, a person with unreasonably high expectations never finds a sense of peace, as if they’re always expecting other people to satisfy their needs with actions, words, and sometimes even love.
When you drop your expectations from others and let go of what you think they should or shouldn’t do, you allow yourself to create your own happiness and find peace. And therein lies the sweet spot, the appropriate balance between having some sense of what should be vs. realistic acceptance of what is.
It seems Pinny and his wife Chaya had some serious expectation issues going on in their otherwise compatible and loving marriage. I needed to help them understand the nature of what was standing in the way of their ability to feel at peace with one another and in the marriage as a whole.
He Said
I asked Pinny to tell me what he thought was going on in their marriage that motivated them to pay a visit to my office. He began, “Chaya and I have been married for over twenty years. We have a lot in common and basically, I believe neither of us would ever want to be married to anyone else. However, there is a lot of tension going on between us and I have to tell you, it’s unbearable to live with. I’ve been living with it for a long time, and it doesn’t get easier, on the contrary.
“I’m not a complicated guy. I try to live my life with integrity and kindness. I don’t ask for much from anyone. I’m a ‘live and let live’ kind of guy. I take what comes to me and I’m grateful for whatever it is that I get. For instance, when I met Chaya twenty-four years ago, she told me right away that her parents died tragically when she was young and she was the oldest sibling in her family and felt tremendous responsibility toward her younger siblings. I was very impressed with her devotion to them, but did think about the fact that if we married, I would never have in-laws. I know lots of people complain about their in-laws, but they also get all sorts of help from in-laws on so many levels. But I knew the ‘Chaya package’ did not include in-laws, and as I was falling head over heels in love with Chaya, I knew I would have to be satisfied with that reality. Okay, so be it.
“I have three sisters and no brothers. My parents are wonderful, generous people. Generous with their time and their money, though they would not be considered rich by anyone’s standards. I know that my mother is super close with my sisters, actually two in particular, who live nearby and spend lots of time with them. I never expected to have the same relationship with my mother as they did. That’s just the way it is. I have no complaints. I know my parents love me and want the best for me.
“I don’t want to know how often my mother babysits for my nieces and nephews. I don’t want to know if my mother takes my sisters out to lunch or buys them new shoes. I don’t even want to know if they might have “loaned” them some money, which we all know will never be repaid. We all have our individual relationships with our parents, and I think that’s normal. I do feel, however, that my parents have always been very good to me and Chaya, in many ways.
“For some reason, from the beginning of our marriage, Chaya has always had the need to track whatever goes on between my mother and my sisters and even my father. She’s ridiculously curious about what they’re doing, and often gets upset when she hears they are doing things without her, or if she hears my mother bought something for my sisters that she didn’t get. She gets resentful and even angry. Recently, she heard that my mother and one of my sisters went to Manhattan for the day to eat lunch and go shopping. Chaya was not invited to join, but then again, neither were my two other sisters. I think it had something to do with the fact that this sister is going through a difficult time and I guess my mother felt she needed some TLC. Chaya refused to see that. She just got so angry at my mother and even my sister. A week later we had our Thanksgiving dinner. Chaya walked into my parents’ house in such a mood! Her negative energy was felt by everyone. In fact, some of them asked me what was wrong with Chaya. It was so over the top. I felt embarrassed for her and myself and felt badly that Chaya was ruining the vibe at the dinner.
“I’ve begged Chaya to be grateful for everything that my parents have done for us. And there’s a lot to be grateful for. I’m also always begging her to allow me and all of us for that matter to live in peace. I can’t stand hearing her go on and on about how thoughtless my parents are. Frankly, they’re not perfect, but I think they are pretty terrific. I just want all of us to have some serenity in our lives!”
She Said
“Well, Chaya,” I began. “Does Pinny’s narration sound about right to you, or is he misreading the situation? Why don’t you fill me in from the beginning?”
“No problem,” Chaya began. “So, let’s see…. from the beginning. As Pinny already said, I had a very difficult childhood. Actually, things were pretty good until I reached age 16. We were a happy family and life was good. Tragically, my parents were killed in a horrific car accident at that point. My entire life turned upside down in an instant. My aunt and uncle took me and my younger brother and sister into their home, which was very kind of them. But they had their own children, and in a subtle way, I always felt like an outsider, like we were second class citizens. I think I understood it at the time, though I had a lot of issues. No one thought to send me to therapy, which probably would have been what I needed. But they did the best they could. I tried hard to give my brother and sister a lot of attention and stability. While my friends were worrying about silly things, I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders, looking out for my siblings and making sure that they were okay. I guess I did a pretty good job, because they are both married today and doing great.
“Fast forward to the present. Pinny is a sweetheart. No doubt about it. When I met him, I felt like my luck was turning. I could finally move on and be like everyone else. That’s all I ever wanted. Just to be regular, to move on from the tragic youth that I felt was my identity for a while. When I met Pinny’s parents, I felt like that was the icing on the cake. They are both very sweet people, and I remember my mother-in-law saying to me, when we got engaged, ‘You feel like a daughter to me.’ I’ll never forget those words. Nothing she could have said would have meant more to me.
“The reality is that even though I do believe that she and my father-in-law love me, and they’ve been really good to us in many ways, I realized early on that I’m not her daughter and never will be her daughter. This became abundantly clear from the beginning. I remember needing her to babysit for me one day and she told me she wasn’t certain if she would be available. Later that evening, she called me back and apologized saying she wasn’t able to help. Turns out my sister-in-law, who I think is her absolute favorite, needed her. It’s hard for me not to feel like a second-class citizen in Pinny’s family. Yes, she has babysat for me on too numerous times to remember, but when push comes to shove, I know I’ll never be number one or even tied for that position. So, when things happen, it’s very triggering. I can’t help it.
“Sometimes, I ask Pinny to speak to them on my behalf, but he refuses. It feels like he is putting them ahead of me. Again, I’m being shoved to the end of the line. I know that Pinny is a good guy, but he puts peace above all else. I kind of get that, but if he knows that I’m hurting, I think that should trump everything else. Maybe I’m wrong, you’ll tell me.”
My Thoughts
There was so much to unpack from Chaya’s story. Everything she said had merit and certainly made sense on a logical basis. One of the smartest things she said, however, was that “No one thought to send me to therapy.” Ain’t that the truth! Chaya was thrown into a very harsh situation, and for all intent and purposes, soared through it magnificently, being sensitive to and taking care of everyone else’s needs. But she never had the opportunity to stop and look within. Who was taking care of her emotional needs and soothing her painful loss? Probably no one.
It seems that when Chaya met her in-laws, her expectations from them were sky high. As we drilled down deeper, Chaya started to see that perhaps her expectations were not realistic, though this was a difficult leap for her to make. But eventually Chaya began to see that the hopes and assumptions she created in her head regarding her in-laws were at levels that few people could attain.
And then we had the “even if” conversation. And “even if” your mother-in-law behaved unfairly on certain occasions, can you accept her for being a wonderful yet flawed human being and tolerate her occasional mishaps without allowing them to feel so personal and triggering?
We focused a great deal on gratitude and the need to replace disappointment with gratefulness. And even more difficult, to throw out the old laundry list of previous hurts and replace them with the joy of living in calmness.
Though I’m making this all sound quite simple and almost like a quick fix, it took much time and inner work for Chaya to move in this direction and ultimately make valiant strides in owning these ideas. But Chaya had too much to gain from this journey to quit. And she stayed the course.
Esther Mann, L.C.S.W. is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. She works with individuals, couples and families. Esther can be reached at 516-314-2295 or by email, mindbiz44@aol.com.