By Baila Sebrow
Question
I am a 28-year-old Modern Orthodox guy. When I say Modern Orthodox, I mean really modern. I wear a kippah s’rugah and I’m very Zionistic; my mother wears pants and doesn’t cover her hair. You get the picture.
After I had been dating my girlfriend for about a year, she decided to become frum. At first I was happy, because I used to worry that kashrut and taharat ha’mishpachah could be an issue. So when she started learning with her rebbetzin, I was thrilled.
Over time, she grew and became more frum. When she announced that she wants to be shomer negiah and plans on covering her hair when she gets married, I respected that. I wasn’t too crazy about the hair-covering thing, but if that’s the only downside to marrying a frum girl, I went along with it.
Then things started to get out of hand. She won’t eat any dairy product unless it’s chalav Yisrael. And then came the clincher: now she won’t even eat in my parents’ home, because her rebbetzin doesn’t think that the place my mom gets her meats from is kosher enough. It drives me nuts.
It is now more than two years since we met, and she has been giving me ultimatums about marriage. The last time we got together, she threatened to break up with me if we weren’t going to get married. I got nervous and told her that I would propose in the near future. I was caught off-guard.
She went home and told her parents, who called my parents, and now everyone is excited and talking about a l’chaim soon. It’s not that I don’t care for her. I do. But, with her extreme frum ways, I’m worried about how we will get along when we are married. I need more time and wonder if I could just say that we had a misunderstanding.
The other problem is that most girls today don’t want to marry Modern Orthodox guys. Also, shadchanim have no girls for guys like me. That’s why I was happy that my girlfriend wasn’t frum to start with.
Response
By Baila Sebrow
It sounds like your girlfriend caught you at a weak moment and took your capitulation all the way to the bank. But, in all fairness, she was afraid of losing you. Additionally, you did have a hand in this “misunderstanding.” Is it possible that you are simply experiencing good old-fashioned cold feet? Let’s examine your relationship and the circumstances.
There is no doubt that you and your girlfriend have some issues with hashkafah. But her current beliefs are not atypical of someone who is new to becoming frum. In her eagerness to do things right, whether it’s kashrus or tznius, she–like others in this type of situation–will not choose the lenient way.
Granted, you are Modern Orthodox. But that’s just it! You have always been Orthodox and were raised in that type of home. You are comfortable and content living such a lifestyle and hope to continue doing so. The issue I see here is your viewpoint on dating and compatibility as a whole.
Years ago, it was ordinary to be Modern Orthodox. That’s what used to define the Young Israel movement. Nowadays, with the exception of certain out-of-town communities, most singles who consider themselves Modern Orthodox are usually makpid when it comes to hair-covering, and even hashgachos on food products. And that is the case even when their mothers wear pants or don’t cover their hair. Jewish education is more intense nowadays, and just by the fact that many younger singles have moved to the right, many shadchanim find that there are fewer Modern Orthodox guys and girls to introduce to one another.
Those who remain Modern Orthodox discover that they may have a more difficult time with shidduchim. You are correct that shadchanim may not have compatible girls in their database. I believe it comes from the assumption that modern people meet on their own. But it is an unfounded myth that modern singles have it easier. There are fewer places available to meet a morally upstanding modern person. Which is why you were under the assumption that you need to date a girl who is not frum.
So you feel well matched with someone who is not yet frum but may one day be willing to grow. However, that is like playing Russian roulette with the construction of a Jewish home and future generations, iy’H. In this case, you were lucky that your girlfriend was willing to learn and become frum.
When the two of you met, and she was still learning the ropes of Yiddishkeit, you were likely at ease with her status. In a way, you were both coming from the same place with regard to finding someone to date. A person who is new to being frum or aspires to grow also finds additional hardships when it comes to dating.
Unions similar to yours are common and make sense. You feel that a girl who did not start off frum will not find fault with your not being religious enough. But the shortcoming of such a relationship is the tendency for the person who is growth-oriented to outgrow the modern frum person. This uneven growth has caused discord and oftentimes breakups in a relationship–or worse, in a marriage.
This girl was raised in a non-religious home and environment lacking in halachah. Being growth-oriented and driven–as she has clearly demonstrated during the course of your relationship–she continuously worked on improving herself.
People who successfully shift to the Orthodox way of living tend to be less meikil in matters of halachah. For example, rather than relying on the kashrus certificate posted on the wall in a food establishment, they may wish to speak to the mashgiach inside. That is meritorious. But when your girlfriend won’t eat in your parents’ home, that is an issue that can bring about serious shalom bayis consequences.
From what you are depicting about your family home life, kashrus is not being compromised. An issue like chalav Yisrael or where one buys meat is not a matter of violating the generally accepted halachah. The rebbetzin who is mentoring her probably holds from a stricter hashgachah than your family. And since your girlfriend has no one to confer with, she takes everything she is taught at face value.
I understand where you are coming from. It is not just her scrupulousness of hashgachah and the zealousness in halachah that is troubling you. The two of you are on different pages. You are comfortable in your frumkeit–you feel that you are following the codes of halachah. If she continues to be under the influence of her rebbetzin, your girlfriend will continue to grow. That is a beautiful thing. However, neither of you can predict to what degree her religiosity will develop. I think that one of your fears is that after marriage, her spiritual and halachic growth will intensify measurably greater than you are comfortable with. Is that why you have kept dating and put off your decision for so long?
You admit to caring about her, which is why you have not broken up with her despite apparently major differences in hashkafah. I also believe that although you fear what the future holds, deep down you do not want to lose her. True, you did not propose to her, but I wonder why you gave her hope in such a way that she and both your families believe that a l’chaim is imminent.
As is normal in these situations, you are likely reflecting back to that moment, trying to bring to mind all the details that led up to your assurances of marriage. It comes down to the following: It is not easy for anyone to find someone whose company they enjoy so much. There is surely much invested in your relationship that compelled you to date her for all this time. That is why you reassured her–because you feared losing her.
You should definitely hold off from having that l’chaim any time soon. You need to be as forthcoming with her as you have been in this letter. There is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel about her, your relationship, and your needs in conducting a frum home. Tell her that you are comfortable with yourself religiously at your current level. Emphasize that you respect the way she has grown spiritually–but also tell her that it scares you. She may even be acting under the false assumption that you want her to keep growing.
Be prepared for the possibility that she will run to her rebbetzin, who may even convince her to break up with you. But in my opinion, if both of you are willing to work at this relationship, it is possible to respect each other and find a compatible spiritual ground. Take it slow for now, and you might even decide to propose without an ultimatum.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.
