Question
Dear Baila,
I love reading your column and would like some advice about attending live singles events. I’m a single, older (35+), never married Orthodox machmir man. At this point, I wouldn’t even say I’m in the parashah—it’s more like the haftarah or maybe even Ketuvim. I’ve always relied on shadchans or dating apps or websites, but recently, I’ve been experiencing a dry spell and thinking about perhaps trying a live singles’ event or Shabbaton. Up till now I’ve avoided these events because I’m somewhat of an introvert and a little shy in social situations due to my average looks, personality, and profession. (Which, truthfully, are probably not even average.)
Given that all my friends are married, I would have to go alone, which makes it all the harder given some of the stories I’ve heard about people coming to these events in groups, secluding themselves from others, or saying an empty seat is taken when it isn’t (like back on the third-grade school bus), or guys and gals giving a nasty fast rejection or quickly moving away from someone who approaches them to talk, among other trying scenarios.
I know I will also find it awkward and difficult to turn someone down who’s interested in me and I’m not interested in them, especially if I know that I’m interested in someone else, while I’m hoping and praying it won’t be a middah k’neged middah moment. It’s easy to turn someone down through an app or a shadchan, but hard in person since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially in a public setting (not that I want to hurt anyone’s feelings in private, through a shadchan or app). I know I feel the sting of rejection even if it’s done respectfully. I’m not really sure what to expect or even the best way to navigate the scene at these events. I’ve told myself that if I go, I should not have any expectations of meeting someone, and I should be polite and kind to everyone, even if they are rude to me. Now that I’m done with my rambling, my questions are:
1) Do you think it’s better for a live event newbie such as myself to first start with day events instead of a Shabbaton?
2) Is it always best to go with a friend or someone you know so you at least have one person to talk to?
3) What is the best way to politely tell someone at a live event that you’re not interested in them (especially when you know immediately)?
4) Do you have any general advice or guidance on how to navigate and socialize at these events and how to get the most out of them?
Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Haftarah Leiner
Response
Dear Haftarah Leiner,
First of all, please do not refer to yourself as “an older single.” When was the last time you heard a married person identifying himself as an “older married?” Treat yourself with respect. You deserve it! As a gentleman of 35+, your attempts to find your bashert through shadchanim and dating apps/websites has been severely limiting. Although you considered them to be sufficient, you were severely narrowing your choices. Those approaches alone might have worked in years past, but in the frum world of dating nowadays, such methods are utilized for nixing a shidduch possibility, specifically because as you stated in your own words, your profession is “probably not even average.”
Prior to the advent of résumés with pictures, the main tool shadchanim used was by suggesting shidduchim that people accepted based on trust. At least it got a single man or woman’s foot in the door, so to speak. But not anymore. Website dating sites use the technique that goes even further than a résumé: Singles are expected to answer a thorough multiple-choice questionnaire about their personality, background, education, etc., which oftentimes and sadly, do not accurately depict the individual. Consequently, single men and women are unfairly rejected.
Though I believe that employing the efforts of shadchanim and dating sites is worthwhile, they should not be the only source for finding dates. Singles’ events in conjunction with those endeavors usually yield the most positive results. In fact, most shadchanim who also organize events agree that there are many cases where one or both parties rejected a candidate based on the résumé, but after meeting in person, saw them in a different light and eventually got married.
You are correct in saying there are people who have had bad experiences at singles’ events. There are various reasons for that. Sometimes it’s the result of unrealistic expectations in assuming that the event will at least get them one date. Other reasons range from the poor marketing strategy of the organizer, resulting in consumer misunderstandings, to the unfair assumption that the attendees are of a lower standard than the one an individual holds himself to. There are a host of other reasons such as what you mentioned, and more.
Turning down a person who is interested in you is an expected outcome for anyone attending a singles’ event. That is no different from turning down a date recommended by a shadchan. That’s how dating works. Every person gets the same right to decline a shidduch that they feel is incompatible. I understand you are concerned about middah k’neged middah, but you are not doing anything wrong when you have not even had the opportunity to date the person. You are allowed to say no to a shidduch! Being a man gives you the upper hand in most circumstances because it is up to you to ask the girl out. When a young lady meets you at an event and expresses interest in you, she will likely reach out to the organizer, a friend, or shadchan to assist in facilitating a date. So, in essence, when you decline a date, it is no different than declining any shidduch you have declined in the past.
To answer your questions: Day or evening events that last just a few hours as opposed to Shabbatons each come with their own positive and negative aspects. The positive aspect of a shorter event is that if you feel there is no one interesting or compatible to you, you can leave. The downside is that just a few hours may not give you the best chance of making the most of the event, as you will not have had the chance to become acquainted with each attendee. In contrast at a Shabbaton you have more than 25 hours, and if there is a scheduled melaveh malkah as part of the Shabbaton, you can get close to 30 hours of socializing with the participants. The drawback is that you are stuck in the same place for more than 25 hours if it turns out you are unhappy with the venue.
Before anyone contemplates attending a Shabbaton, they must go with the right attitude that they fully accept that there might not be anyone of interest to them, and if there is, it’s a bonus. Go with the mindset that you are spending Shabbos in a new environment, and you will enjoy whatever it brings you.
Regarding going alone or with a friend, I’ve always found that those who attend an event without a friend are the ones who reap the best results. You need to put yourself in an approachable situation by appearing unoccupied. If you look like you are busy talking to a friend, then your body language will give off the signal that you have no interest in meeting anyone there. So, yes, go alone. If you do happen to attend with a friend or someone you are rooming with, then you must arrive separately at the venue and never hang out together. If there is no young lady you wish to talk to, it’s okay to strike up a conversation with another guy because there are many situations where people have met their bashert through someone they met at an event. You need to be personable with everyone. An important point is if the event features facilitators. Do not wait for the facilitator to approach you. He or she is probably overwhelmed with meeting everyone and taking written or mental notes on whom he or she meets. Walk over and introduce yourself.
I’m not sure why you keep repeating your concerns of a young lady being interested in you and your need to decline them. If you are referring to a case where somebody will strike up a conversation and try to talk to you at length, but you would rather not, you can politely excuse yourself by saying “It was nice meeting you,” and walk away. She will get the hint, and I doubt she would even tell any facilitator that she would like to go out with you. If yes, then even here you can avoid hurting her feelings by not expressing your rejection directly to her. In some rare circumstances, an assertive woman might hand you her business card without your asking. If you’re not inclined to call her, then don’t.
When you are ready to attend an event, decide which venue would best serve your needs in terms of what you’re looking for in a shidduch. I would recommend that specifically since you’re a newbie, you should aim for something that offers speed-dating, so you maximize every minute you spend by getting to know the participants. Additionally, such events also offer you the opportunity of choosing who you would like to get to know better after the event.
If you end up choosing a singles mixer with no planned activities and no facilitator, where the attendees just mix and mingle, then you are totally on your own. You will be placing yourself in the vulnerable position of walking over to a young lady and saying hi or making some small talk with the hope she wants to converse with you. Being a newbie at events and an introverted, shy person as you claim to be, I would not recommend such a venue for you. Choose events that are not freestyle, but are organized with user-friendly activities designed to break the ice and allow for easy introductions. Most importantly, remember that as awkward as you might feel being at these venues, everyone is there for the same reason. You are all in the same boat traveling the same journey in your search to find your bashert. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
