Question
In your experience as a shadchan how do you feel about age gaps? How many years of an age difference is considered too much? What about women that are older than guys? I am asking because I’m seeing this a lot. Also, there is a new app called Loop, where I am a member, and I see that there are many guys that are interested in women older than them. Is that a new thing? Does there always have to be a reason why a younger woman likes an older guy or a younger guy likes an older woman? For your information, I’m talking about frumpeople like me, and I wouldn’t mind dating younger guys, but I don’t want people to think that I’m weird or something.
Response
If you’re asking me for my personal viewpoint regarding age gaps in relationships, here’s my response. I’m a “live and let live” kind of person. I don’t personally care what people do, and they have my blessing so long as they are not looking to hurt anyone or have an ulterior motive.
You reference a dating app where you see men who are requesting to date women that are much older. I cannot speak for everyone, but in many cases that I’m acquainted with, these men are not deliberately seeking women who are specifically older. They view the photo of a woman they find attractive and want to meet her on that basis. By the way, it works the other way around too. Oftentimes there are much older men that request women much younger because they do not bother to read the age in the profile. They base it on a photo and hope it works out. And if not, at least they tried.
What is very common and universally renowned are men who insist on dating much younger women. Although most claim that it’s because they are looking to have children, whether they already have them from a previous marriage or not, and they want more, or because they never had children. However, it is a fact that many mature men are not attracted to women their own age. Some even admit that no matter how attractive a woman their age is, if she’s not young, they are turned off. Society can blame them and call them names, yet it won’t change the fact.
Matchmakers are bombarded with calls, emails, and texts from beautiful, accomplished, middle-aged women who cannot get a date with a man their own age. It’s very frustrating for a matchmaker to have to tell a middle-aged woman that the only guys who say yes to her for a date are those twenty years older than her and the ones in her age range decline her. Such scenarios are also seen in younger age groups too, where guys in their thirties and forties insist on dating women in their twenties.
Whenever a man calls me asking me to introduce him to a much younger lady, I will not do it. I just had a case where a guy that I have known for at least a decade from my work as a shadchan called me and asked to be set up with ladies between the ages of 24 and 28. He is 41 years old, and he explained to me all the reasons why he is such a good catch for a young lady. When I didn’t respond, he went on to tell me that he wants to have at least six children, and if he marries someone closer to his age, that might not be possible. There is no chance that I would be so insensitive as to reach out to a young lady between the ages of 24-28 and suggest him as a match. It would be incredibly hurtful for her, where she would assume that the reason I am suggesting this guy is because I feel she cannot get what she really wants. Yes, that is what ends up happening in many circumstances. Singles and their parents assume that every match that matchmakers suggest is based on their opinion of the person. However, marriages with significant age gaps like that do happen, and in most cases, it is because the couple met somewhere spontaneously, and after getting to know each other, age became meaningless to them.
I am used to receiving such calls. Less frequently, I get calls from men who ask to be introduced to women that are considerably older. I must say that it concerns me when they insist on that, regardless of the reason. Again, when such relationships come about organically, here is where the “live and let live” concept comes in. I will say that it behooves a lady that is much older than a guy to dig deeply and find out what he is really after. I’m not referring to five or even six years younger, but anything around ten years should raise a red flag. Yes, there are rabbanim whose rebbetzin is older than him, and it is said that even the Chofetz Chaim, zt’l, was younger than his wife, but they were on a madreigah where their intentions only came from a pure place.
There are also cases where women ask to be matched with much older men. Meaning, women in their forties ask to be matched with well-to-do men in their sixties, or women in their fifties who tell me they will date men in their seventies who are rich. They are very matter-of-fact about their wishes, and in clear, no-nonsense terms will even stress how much money they expect the guy to earn per year. No judgements, but undoubtedly, they are looking for a business partnership in a relationship. Just to put it out there, I am not implying that every marriage where the woman is much younger than her husband is based on how much money he has. Every case is different, as there is no overall reason why there are women who ask for such a husband.
Sometimes it really has to do with an attraction for someone older, with no conscious ulterior motive. Meaning, there are people who are attracted to a mature look, or they prefer the maturity that older people allegedly possess, as in seeking strong emotional intelligence. That could be the result of a previous positive experience with an older family member, or sometimes it’s because they did not have a positive experience, and they are looking to replay that part of their life, but this time with a positive outcome. Furthermore, people who are older are typically more established in their careers. There are young men who are still in school or are learning Torah, and they want to marry a young lady that is older because they are depending on her to be the sole financial supporter. When a woman seeks an older man, it could be because she wants to ensure that she will have financial security, something not necessarily found in a younger man.
Are we seeing more age gaps than before in frum circles? I would have to say yes. People nowadays are not as concerned with the opinions of others as in years past. Social stigmas or perceptions do not stick like they did years ago. People want to do what makes them happy, and they care much less about attracting scrutiny and judgement based on the life stage differences or financial imbalance of their choice in a spouse.
I hope that I have sufficiently answered your question, but I can’t end it without offering some guidance. How much of an age gap can be problematic after romance settles into married life? Married couples who have a ten year or more age gap sometimes report feeling the difference as time goes by in terms of preferences for recreation or even with regard to raising children. The younger spouse might express that the older one is old-fashioned in their way of thinking, and they would not be wrong, because the older spouse was raised by his or her parents that followed a method not used in recent years. Different life stages can lead to career conflicts in priorities and goals, particularly in the later years when one spouse wants to retire and travel and the other is still at the height of his or her career. The bottom line is that couples should weigh the pros and cons of their unique relationship to make sure that their choice comes from a healthy and wholesome place. As a society, we should celebrate their choice and wish them well.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
