Question
I am a 37-year-old single, never-married male. Although many matchmakers think that older bachurimare “crazy.” I’m probably more normal than the men who are divorced and some of the married men with roving eyes who flirt with other women right in front of their wives. In case you’re wondering why I’m still single, I was not professionally settled until I reached my early 30s. My parents are not wealthy people. My father is a blue-collar worker and my mother is a yeshiva schoolteacher. My parents are good, loving people who sacrificed so much to give my siblings and me a good life and we lacked for nothing.
I did not want to date for marriage while I was in my twenties and still building my career. I certainly did not want to become a burden to my in-laws, and knew that I was not going to add stress to my parents for financial support. I wanted to date for marriage when I was confident that I could support a family. I would say that I started getting serious about marriage three years ago, and that’s when I called matchmakers to help me find a shidduch.
The first problem is that the matchmakers think there is something wrong with me that I’m not married, and I heard that they talk like that amongst themselves, calling single guys “crazy.” The other problem is that because I’m a handsome guy, I’m looking for a girl that I’m attracted to, and the matchmakers hate that. When I reject a girl because I don’t find her attractive, the matchmakers say that I’m not serious about marriage, and that looks aren’t everything. I never said I’m just looking for a girl who is pretty. She should have good middos too, but I can’t give anyone that chance if I am not attracted to begin with. They don’t even want to hear me out. One matchmaker keeps sending me shiurim from someone that tells guys that getting married has nothing to do with finding a pretty wife, and like I said, that’s not the only thing that I’m looking for. The third problem I have is that once I say no to a girl, the matchmaker refuses to deal with me because either she considers me “crazy” for not being married, or she claims I don’t really want to get married. How should I handle such a situation?
Response
My biggest regret and what hurts me the most when doing shadchanus is when I’m placed in the unfortunate position of having to criticize a fellow matchmaker. Over the years, I’ve had major disagreements with matchmakers about their playing “judge, jury, and psychologist” to their clients to the point that I do not associate with anyone when they behave in the manner you describe. I agree with you that there are matchmakers who have expressed verbally and in writing that there is something wrong with men who are over thirty and have never been married. Some are brazen enough to use the word “crazy” as though they are experts in mental health. They are not, but they believe that since they fancy themselves a “matchmaker,” they are qualified to give a diagnosis as to the mental state of their client. My question to such matchmakers is if what they’re saying is true, why are there married people with serious emotional issues? Marital status does not dictate one’s mental health, and I wish that frum matchmakers would see it that way so they can perform the mitzvah of making shidduchim without causing needless pain.
Here’s a rule of thumb you need to institute for yourself. Under no circumstances are you obligated to respond to why you’re not married yet. That is not the business of any matchmaker unless you feel it is important to mention. A matchmaker’s job is to match people based on who they are and what they’re searching for. That is where it starts and where it should end.
In all fairness, there are people who lack self-awareness, or they have an inflated ego and they want to be matched with someone based on what they are bringing to the table whether or not they fit the “type” of the person they wish to be matched with. The matchmaker must be honest and explain that such a type is seeking someone like themselves. The matchmaker should feel free to suggest to their client someone he or she knows will be accepted by the other party but should be respectful when the client declines.
I recently had a case where a few women that a man was interested in declined him. His response to me (to paraphrase) is that it was the matchmaker’s job to “knock sense into some people.” No, the matchmaker is not supposed to knock anything into anyone. The matchmaker is supposed to make the suggestion of a compatible and plausible match and should explain to both parties why the match is a good idea and even encourage them to give it a shot with at least one date. However, if the answer is a hard no from either side, then the matchmaker as well as the one who was declined must come to terms with accepting that no means no.
Based on what you’re saying, it does not sound like you’re being unrealistic or that you have a false sense of awareness. Your issue is that you are seeking a young lady to whom you are attracted. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s assur to marry a woman you are not attracted to. I also gather that you don’t have a specific hair or eye color that you seek. There are many reasons why people are attracted to certain features, some of them might be cultural or what they are familiar with in their own family. It’s interesting to note that in-law children often resemble a family’s biological children, and sometimes husbands and wives look alike. Attraction is objective, and what one person finds attractive, another might not and vice versa.
To say that you’re not serious about getting married or that you don’t want to be married because you rejected a girl who was suggested to you because you’re not attracted to her is offensive to any person that has ever said no to a shidduch suggestion due to lack of attraction. You have the right to not date someone for whatever reason without having to endure false accusations and insults. It works both ways. Young ladies in your age bracket frequently reject guys because they don’t like their looks. But usually when a young lady expresses that she’s not attracted to a particular guy, the matchmaker will not typically go around saying that she doesn’t want to get married. They might say she’s picky, or that she doesn’t know what she wants, and leave it at that. Moreover, when a young lady is 37 years old and never married, matchmakers don’t call her “crazy.” They blame the guys, social media, and the shidduch system in general. I need to say this, because I believe people should be treated fairly.
It is challenging enough for singles to find a shidduch; they should not have to be subjected to anyone’s false assertions to add to the difficulty.
Please pay no mind to those who insult you. Distance yourself from anyone who demonstrates toxic traits or employs manipulation to get you to do what they want. The good news is that most matchmakers do not behave in the manner you are describing. Most matchmakers are nonjudgmental and are in it for the sake of partnering with Hashem in the mitzvah of making shidduchim. There are a few bad apples in every profession, but please do not let that dishearten you from continuing to reach out to matchmakers to help you find a shidduch. I would also like to recommend that you include singles’ events in conjunction with speaking to matchmakers. There you will have an opening chance to not only get the initial impression of whether you feel an attraction or not, but by speaking to a young lady face-to-face, even if you do not find her attractive right away, she might find favor in your eyes when you give yourself the opportunity to get to know her better. On that note, it would probably serve you better not to view the photo of a young lady prior to meeting her for the first time. How can you know what she really looks like? Find yourself a matchmaker whom you trust and who will not deceive you in any way.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
