I’m worried for my sister-in-law. She lives in Israel and she’s a real Sabra; she barely speaks any English. Just recently, during the chagim, she met a man who lives in the States. My wife and I know this man well, and we are really worried because of things he has done. (I can’t get into too many details.) When she told us excitedly about meeting the man of her dreams and who he is, we felt ill.
This man has a hard time with shidduchim in America because people here know about him. I don’t want to say too much about him because we want this to be anonymous, and we don’t want to embarrass him, chas v’shalom. We heard in the last three years that he is looking for a shidduch not just in Israel but other countries, too.
My sister-in-law is very innocent, and because of the language barrier, she doesn’t get what he is all about. She has no one who could tell her the truth, because the people she knows don’t speak English either. He really wooed her in the few weeks he was there. She believes everything he says in his broken Hebrew. He has since come back to the States, and she thinks he’s going to come back to her after he finds a job in Israel, which is what he told her. I know it won’t happen, and even if he does return, or he brings her to the States, it’s going to be a disaster. My sister-in-law is trusting and innocent, and he is slick. What can we do?
Response
What you are describing is a common phenomenon in all hashkafic circles, and even in other religions, and among both genders. If somebody is looking to get married, and for whatever reason the person is not making any progress where he or she lives, that person will look elsewhere, including overseas.
Even when the individual is an upstanding citizen, it does sometimes happen that finding a compatible match is challenging. That said, searching outside of one’s daled amos is the most practical solution and is oftentimes recommended by rabbis, mentors, and shadchanim. It only becomes a problem if the one seeking a shidduch has a bad history that he or she is trying to escape. And it becomes unfortunate for the party who has no knowledge about what took place in that person’s hometown, such as in your sister-in-law’s circumstance. Making matters worse is the language barrier. As a shadchan, I hear of people with a questionable or complicated history deliberately dating outside of their comfort zones, because the people from their area know to stay away.
You say that this man wooed her. People who are slick, as you mentioned he is, use facial expressions and body language that project honesty and authenticity. They are that good at it! Such folks manage to convince intelligent individuals that they are so transparent and that they respect truthfulness to the extent that previous partners were deceptive with them, and that’s why they ended other relationships. The fact that this young lady does not speak English puts her in an even more precarious predicament, as she has no way of doing a search about him that will come back with accurate information about who he really is.
In the secular world, it is known that people with a negative past will frequently marry someone from a third-world country and bring that man or woman to live here in the States. By the time the truth is discovered, it is usually too late for any recourse. In the frum world, these individuals visit Israel or a European or South American country, introduce themselves to a local rav or shadchan, and make it known that they are seeking a shidduch. They will get invited for a Shabbos meal and make a good enough impression that shidduchim start getting redd to them.
You don’t say whether you and your wife tried talking to her and explaining that this man is not as he appears. But I have a hunch that since you took the time to write to me you likely have made some attempt in that respect. It would not surprise me that if you did, your sister-in-law was not buying into what she heard from you, especially if she is impressed by him and he has her hooked into believing any story he concocted. That is why she is so convinced that she met the man of her dreams.
Do you and your wife have any recourse? The answer is yes, but it will not be easy. You still have an advantage to some degree, because if he were still in Israel with her, he would likely rush her to a chuppah. More often than not, people who need to get married quickly, for any number of reasons, will propose almost immediately after meeting someone they like. That is not to say that a quick engagement is always indicative that the person is trouble. There are wonderful love stories of couples who felt the spark early on in their relationship, got engaged and married fast, and lived happily ever after. Yet, in each case, it behooves the couple and both families to do their due diligence.
I imagine he is communicating with her from the States. It is actually easier for him to communicate with her via e-mail or text than in person, thanks to Google Translate! What is he saying to her, and what is he promising her? I hope that if you did say something to her about him that you didn’t turn her off to the level that she will not confide in you and your wife anymore. You must do your utmost to make sure that she feels that the people in her family have her best interests at heart. Otherwise, he might persuade her that her family does not understand or does not mean well for her, and it could drive a major wedge between the family and her.
Are there any other family members she is close to who live in Israel and with whom you could discuss this? It must be someone who would be willing to get involved by finding all the facts about this guy and presenting it to her in a manner that she will grasp that the information is coming from a place of concern.
You say that you know this man well, and you have enough reason to believe that he will ultimately hurt your sister-in-law. If he has a rav with whom he has a relationship, or a shul in which he regularly davens, it would be a good idea to reach out to the rav. I am sure that the information you are privy to is known to others in his community, too. Israel is not considered a foreign county among frum people. Most people here know somebody who is of great influence and authority there, even if through a third party.
You need to gather all the facts about this man; hard facts, with witnesses or people with nothing to benefit by testifying that they have been hurt by him, need to be documented. Those who have a history of wrongdoing are repeat offenders. The storyline in their plot is always similar. The only difference in each case is the person or people targeted. The culmination of each circumstance is also the same—there is always a victim to tell the story.
You need to create a file about him. Be subtle and discreet. You do not want him to discover what you are doing, because it will backfire terribly. Whoever you contact must be capable of keeping this confidential. Once you have everything in place, your sister-in-law needs to be informed in a way that she will believe the information, so that it will place doubts in her head about him. Typically, individuals such as this man don’t do well under such pressure. If he feels that she is not all in, he will likely lose interest in her and find another woman. Because he is skilled at what he does, it should not take him too long to con someone else. Hashem Yishmor!
Please be prepared that she may not listen to anything disparaging about him, because her feelings for him are that strong. She will need her family’s support, no matter what happens. If you and your wife are able to fly there to be with her, even if it is just for a short while, it would be good for her to feel the presence of close family members who are devoted to her happiness. n
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Baila also hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, WVIP 93.5 FM HD2, and talklinenetwork.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com. Read more of Baila Sebrow’s articles at 5TJT.com.
