By Esther Mann, LCSW
The purpose of this column is to provide a bird’s eye view into marital issues that come up when I work with couples who are attempting to fix or just improve their relationship. Couple work is very common and restorative. Sometimes couples just need a higher level of mindfulness and to implement minor tweaks in order to better understand themselves, how their words and behaviors impact their spouse, and to gain deeper meaning and satisfaction from their relationship with their spouse.
All relationships matter, and all relationships influence the quality of one’s life. But for a married couple, it’s the relationship with one’s husband or wife that seems to have the greatest impact on one’s level of happiness.
Of course, all names, specific details, and any identifiable information will be changed to protect everyone’s privacy. When reading this column, you may feel quite certain that you know who I’m writing about. That will never be the case. Anonymity is the holy grail of therapy. Inspiration for a storyline does begin in my office, but it’s just inspiration. Nothing more, nothing less.
Additionally, it may seem as though I am oversimplifying marriage therapy in this column. I am. As I try to convey the concepts of what goes on in my office within this short column, much important information and the actual process of growth may not be available to you because it is such a complicated evolution. As I said earlier, it’s a broad, general view of a much larger story. The paragraphs below are just a composite of many long conversations. But even from a limited presentation, one can always find something to learn. So, let’s begin.
He Said
Jay took the initiative of reaching out to me and setting up an appointment to come in by himself to talk about his marriage. In his late thirties, impeccably dressed, and extremely polite, Jay was very open about his background, his family of origin, and his concerns about his marriage.
I asked Jay some questions about his history, in order to get a sense of where he was coming from and where he stood with his parents/siblings/important relationships. I learned that he grew up in a Modern Orthodox home, attended Modern Orthodox schools, and of his three siblings, he was the only one who remained Modern Orthodox. His two older sisters went much more to the right, and his younger brother was not at all religious. He only felt close to one of his sisters. He had a tight relationship with his mother, whom he described as warm and loving. Unfortunately, he had little to do with his father, whom he described as cold, strict, and unapproachable.
Jay and his wife, Mindy, were married for 15 years. Though he described their marriage as good, he felt there were issues that bothered him from the beginning but that lately they seemed to be more troubling for him and taking up more headspace than he would have liked.
When I asked him if he could have one wish come true as it relates to his marriage, he said that he wished Mindy would be warmer and would need him as much as he felt he needed her. From the beginning of their dating history, he always felt as though he wanted to get engaged and married more than Mindy did, and that feeling has never left him.
When they would get into a disagreement/fight/argument, Mindy would retreat and seem perfectly fine even if they weren’t speaking for days. Eventually, Jay always made the peace, even if he felt certain that he did nothing wrong. The silence and being ignored was unbearable for him. Somehow, Mindy seemed quite OK during these times, which hurt Jay deeply. When they were not fighting, Jay said they had a deep, close relationship and got along well and really enjoyed one another’s company.
When I asked Jay whether anything meaningful had changed in his life recently that dovetailed with his sudden increased difficulty in dealing with Mindy’s stonewalling behavior, he initially couldn’t think of anything. But when we met for our next session, he did share that his father was suffering from health issues that could be very serious.
She Said
Mindy was not eager to commit to therapy. In fact, Jay wound up coming alone for three sessions until he was finally able to convince Mindy to come see me. I felt it was important for Mindy to come in alone so that she felt she had an opportunity to speak freely, without worrying about possibly offending Jay in any way, especially since I had already spent a number of sessions alone with Jay. Everyone needs their time in the spotlight.
Despite her reluctance, Mindy was all smiles and grace when she arrived. Despite whatever hesitation she may have felt, she was all in, answering all my questions comfortably and thoroughly. I learned that she grew up in a very different environment than Jay did. She grew up out of town and her parents were not religious. Through NCSY, she discovered Orthodoxy and quickly embraced a religious lifestyle. Her parents were not supportive of her decision to adopt this new way of life and made things difficult at home. She eventually moved out of her home so that she could buy her own dishes, etc., and “do her own thing.” Her older brother seemed to be more understanding of her decision, but their relationship was not particularly close. Presently, she tried to check in with her parents once a week, but more out of obligation than a desire to have a meaningful relationship. That ended for her many years ago and she never looked back.
Mindy was full of confidence and seemed like the type of individual who rarely questions her decisions and doesn’t necessarily need approval from others. Eventually we talked about how she felt about her marriage. She said she felt that her marriage was very solid, especially in comparison to some of her friends who were dealing with all sorts of struggles. She felt very blessed.
My Thoughts
With some couples, one has to be skilled at reading between the lines and observing nuances very carefully. It can take months, and sometimes longer, for the truth to emerge. Other relationships are a lot easier to read. Obviously, one always has to always look under the hood, because nothing is ever simple when it comes to relationships. We are all complicated beings, and unlike a step-by-step instruction manual, there are so many twists and turns in one’s life that ultimately define our very essence. Again, every relationship is different; yet, with some couples it’s easier to connect the dots. Jay and Mindy were just such a couple.
Jay and Mindy clearly have a very solid foundation. They both truly love one another and absolutely enjoy each other. In our sessions, there were many moments of levity and laughter. However, there were also moments of deep reflection and the creation of self-awareness that developed as our conversations grew deeper and deeper. Mindy learned early in life to rely on herself and not need the approval of others. She developed a tough shell when she moved out of her parents’ home at the age of 18 and never looked back. She learned to be OK without their approval. In fact, she learned to be OK without her parents altogether.
Jay, on the other hand, was eventually able to get in touch with deep feelings about his father that he had never really addressed. Despite his best efforts to connect with him, his father always had a wall up, which kept Jay at arm’s length. Since he has a warm, loving mother, Jay was able to compensate for his loss, but the pain was still buried deep within, even though he never looked too closely at it. But it did leave Jay with some insecurity and neediness. When his father became unexpectedly ill, the trapdoor began to open and his feelings of being unappreciated, and perhaps even unloved, emerged stronger than ever.
Mindy’s independence and ability to disconnect fed into his fears and sadness. So much of therapy is about truly hearing and feeling what the other is feeling. Mindy actually had no idea how painful it was for Jay to coexist without talking. For her, it was not such a big deal. Jay learned that when Mindy went into ignoring mode, it didn’t mean that she didn’t love him and care about him; rather, it was her knee-jerk reaction to conflict, and she just needed time to regroup.
Understanding the dynamic is one thing. Taking action is another. It’s not easy to change one’s behavior and comfort level. But with therapy and as two invested participants, Jay and Mindy worked toward their happy ending.
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles at 5TJT.com.
