Dear Esther,
The first time I walked into my daughter-in-law’s home, I was aghast. The place was a mess. There was stuff everywhere, with no rhyme or reason or order. There were still boxes lying around from when they moved in, and I was to see those same boxes lying around for months thereafter. The apartment was small, so I thought to myself, all the more reason to create some sense of order out of the mess. But I mentally gave her a pass, thinking that maybe the task of creating order was so overwhelming for her that she just decided to give up.
It was hard for me to see, since I’m definitely a bit of a neat-freak and need extreme order in my home. It’s hard for me to function within a mess, so I’m very on top of everything. I don’t like any stress that I can prevent, so, for instance, my Shabbos table is always set on Thursday night just in case Friday gets crazy, which it sometimes does. I have walked into my daughter-in-law’s place a half-hour before Shabbos to observe that her Shabbos table is still not set.
My son is used to knowing where to find everything, since everything in his childhood home had a designated spot. And in general, I’m sure the discomfort of living in such a messy environment is not easy for him. Back then, I might have encouraged him to do some cleaning, but he worked very long days and I felt it wasn’t his job, as he worked hard enough. So I never said a word. And I understand enough about my role as a mother-in-law to know to keep my mouth shut.
When they bought a house, I figured that with the extra space, my daughter-in-law would find room for everything and I wouldn’t see so much stuff scattered all over the place. But nothing changed; in fact, it got worse. As soon as I drove up to their home, I would see junk sitting in front of their house—a broken scooter, a football, an empty box from a recent delivery, you name it. I felt embarrassed for my daughter-in-law and my son. What must the neighbors think? They are living in a lovely, well-manicured neighborhood. Their home stands out like a sore thumb. But again, I swallowed my horror and said nothing.
Now a few of their children are old enough to realize that they are living in a chaotic environment, especially the two older girls. One of them loves to spend a great deal of time in my house. Her sleepovers often extend into several days. When I ask her why she doesn’t go home, she complains to me that she can’t stand how messy her house is, she’s embarrassed to have friends over, she hates her room because nothing gets fixed or done, and she is calmer and happier at my house. I can’t say I blame her and I certainly can’t tell her she’s wrong.
Now that the problem has extended to my grandchildren whom I obviously love, I wonder if it’s finally time to say something to my daughter-in-law. Just so you know, we have a decent relationship. We’re respectful toward one another and don’t have any “real” problems. We’ve never become as close as I would have liked, but for whatever reason it’s good enough, and I’m not looking to rock the boat. But when my granddaughter tells me that the lock on the kids’ bathroom broke weeks ago and she worries about using that bathroom because her brothers can just barge in on her, and her mother has never gotten around to fixing it—even though she promises to fix it when she has time—I wonder whether I’m being a bad grandmother by not saying anything to protect my grandchildren. Or when my granddaughter tells me that her younger brother scribbled all over the wall with markers, and her mother promised to paint the room for her but did not, I think about whether my granddaughter deserves an advocate.
It’s also important to note that it’s not a matter of money. They are OK financially to pay for these minor jobs. And as far as having “enough time” to take care of it, my daughter-in-law works part time, all her kids are in school, and she certainly is home enough to get the job done.
I feel like I’m in the middle of a bad situation. Do you think I finally need to have a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter-in-law?
In The Middle
Dear In The Middle,
You certainly are in the middle! This is a tough one. It almost never ends well when a mother-in-law gives a daughter-in-law advice. Sometimes, even when the daughter-in-law asks for advice, it is still not well-received. For some reason, this particular relationship can be fabulous but can also feel very fragile when it comes to certain areas. Advice would be one of them.
The nature of the relationship is complicated, as it’s easy for a daughter-in-law to wonder whether her mother-in-law thinks she’s good enough for her precious son. Is anyone? Maybe, but maybe not. Whether or not anyone is judging, it’s easy to worry about being judged and to even make that assumption. That is why you were smart to keep your disappointments to yourself in regard to your daughter-in-law’s housekeeping efforts or lack thereof.
It sounds like the two of you are the classic “Felix and Oscar,” and couldn’t be further apart on the cleanliness spectrum. So I give you enormous credit for keeping your thoughts to yourself and not commenting on the sorry state of affairs existing outside and inside your daughter-in-law’s home.
But now you are finding that the stakes are much higher. You are not only concerned about your son’s comfort level, which may or may not be an issue, but you know for a fact that your granddaughters are having a difficult time living in the middle of this mess. And you are naturally wondering whether the rules have changed. Your desire to protect your grandchildren from discomfort and unhappiness is probably being felt in an intense way right now, since it is certainly a normal reaction for a grandparent to feel that way. However, though you have the best of intentions, that doesn’t mean it will end well if you get involved and offer your opinion. In fact, I have to wonder whether, if you offered to do some of the work yourself, that could also blow up in your face. So unless you want to risk sabotaging whatever relationship you presently have with your daughter-in-law, my advice to you is to “stand down.” That may sound wimpy, or insensitive to your grandchildren, but it’s the safest thing you can do at the moment.
Is there anything else you can do? For one, you’re already doing something very meaningful. Your grandchildren know that they are always welcome to spend time in your home, which clearly feels relaxing and stress-free and soothing to them. By continuing to have an open-door policy, enabling them to know that they are always welcome to stay over and decompress from the clutter and bedlam of their own home, you are giving them a well-appreciated escape and mini-break. And if you’d like, you can even go so far as to invite them with a friend for a Shabbos sleepover or some other form of social outlet in a space that they don’t have to feel embarrassed over.
When your granddaughters speak to you about their frustration over their living space, you can validate their feelings and help them understand that, G-d willing, someday they will have a home of their own and will have the opportunity to create any ambiance they choose.
Another possible suggestion is to bring your son back into the story. Is he still working such long hours that he can’t take any initiative toward the maintenance of his home? Maybe at this time he has more opportunity to get involved. Again, having this conversation with him can be dicey, and only you know whether your relationship with him is suitable for such a discussion. Even if it is, can you talk to him in a way that he won’t end up running home to his wife and quoting you? That would be a disaster. So it’s a touchy approach. Only you can determine whether or not it’s worth pursuing.
It’s great to want to fix everyone and everything. Not everyone cares enough to worry about it. But this is one of those times when you have to accept the fact that your well-intentioned efforts will most likely not be received in the way that they are intended and, therefore, your job is to just grin and bear it. Sometimes that’s all we can do.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals, couples, and families. Esther is presently offering phone, Zoom, and FaceTime sessions. She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295. Read more of Esther Mann’s articles at 5TJT.com.
