By Miriam Schiller, LCSW
Dear Therapist,
My daughter is 16 years old and attends a local Orthodox High School. She is a well-rounded, upbeat girl who always had a wide range of friends. Recently, she has started spending time with girls who show her lots of attention but do not provide her with positive peer influence. She has started struggling with her self-confidence although she is smart and engaging.
How can we help her with her confidence and give her well-meaning advice she will actually utilize?
Thank you, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I’d like to start with understanding the lack of positive peer influence. You didn’t mention what kind of activities her peers are engaged in. In this case, I will believe it to be pushing the limits on acceptable behavior for physical and spiritual safety. It is not unusual for a teenager to be drawn to such peers, yet this sounds as though your daughter is enamored more by the camaraderie they provide her, than the risky behaviors. It sounds as though she needs these friends so she is willing to forgo the danger of what they might be doing. I would start with offering my empathy and compassion to her on what a difficult choice she has in front of her. I wonder if you can remember a time past or present where your social need and sense of belonging took precedence over other important physical, spiritual, and mental needs. Yet, although a sense of belonging is important, there are risks here, so I will highlight points to address with her.
Curiosity is a very important piece when having this conversation. Begin by asking her, if and when she ever felt uncomfortable in these friendships. How does she feel overall when she is with them or preparing to be with them? Is she aware of what an unhealthy relationship is like and does she have the skills to find better ones?
At age 16, the need to make independent decisions feels vital, therefore as her mother, you are going to need listen to her, motivating her as intrinsically as possible. Ask your daughter, “Do you have any concerns in this friendship?” This is a very important piece of her development; to be able to ask herself how she feels and giving her an opportunity to express, verbalize, and problem solve. If she says that she is concerned, you can unite on the problem, gain a sense of connection that will allow your daughter to feel seen, heard, and create solutions on her next step.
In a situation where your daughter does not see the concern or the conflict she might be experiencing, it is important as her parent to understand the underlying need behind the poor peer choice. A lack of confidence leading to poor peer choice can stem from multiple issues and insight is needed here. Raising this question of lack of confidence with your daughter can shed knowledge and information that she might not even be aware of. Perhaps saying to her “You are such a wonderful kid on so many levels but I get a sense you don’t feel this way about yourself. Can we work through this together?”
She might not have the answer for you or the desire to want to, but you have given her something to think about, in a loving and nonjudgmental way.
Teenagers have two sides to them. They experience the impulsive, emotional part and the broadminded, thoughtful, insightful part. Engaging in a conversation like this, allows both parts to feel seen and heard.
You might be feeling apprehensive to even have this conversation with your daughter but, keep in mind that teenagers usually know what their parents are already thinking. The teenage brain feeds off of emotional energy, so she can already sense your concern.
Your goal here is to move away from a power struggle between you and your daughter and to create a healthy conflict within herself. Anytime a parent tries to involve themselves in their children’s relationships, it can certainly backfire.
Once the conflict is created with her, validate her strengths and her priority to feel a sense of belonging. Then, ask her how can she navigate the tension of wanting to be accepted yet wanting to keep herself safe? You are allowing her brain to develop new and possible options for challenging situations, without an ultimatum.
Allow this to be a reset for her overall development and ability to see herself as empowered. Support her as she struggles with an all or nothing mindset, helping her to find the balance of how to manage her dilemma.
Create a vision and feeling you want to imbue in her. Who and what brings out the best version of herself? She might be able to pinpoint for you someone with whom she has already experienced this feeling of acceptance and safety.
Emphasize her ability to choose these relationships, while honoring feelings of growth, safety, and a healthy sense of confidence as well.
Here are some suggestions to help foster more confidence:
1) Provide her with outlets supporting her spiritual, physical, emotional, and creative needs. Think to skills and talents you’ve noticed in her, before the demands of school took precedence.
2) Treat her with the respect and support that you want her to be treated with by others.
3) Place emphasis on positive self-talk, helping her reframe some negative beliefs about herself in an authentic and loving manner.
4) Modeling a sense of confidence for her, even when it’s challenging. Perhaps she would want to hear about a time when you struggled with something and how you overcame it.
5) Provide her with opportunities to volunteer and help out in community events, to encourage her sense of choice and confidence in her giving abilities. Generosity is an impressive form of resiliency that provides the giver with more confidence and self-esteem than can be received from anything else.
6) Create conditions for her to meet new people. Allow her to see the flexibility of having friends from different places.
Miriam Schiller, LCSW, is an attachment based trauma trained clinical social worker. She does individual therapy treating adolescents and adults, along with running support groups using various modalities. She can be reached at miriamschillerlcsw@gmail.com.
